The Polyamorous Misanthrope

Originally published at

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20040731.html

It is often asserted in the poly community that the poly household is the ideal household in which to rear a child. I rather dislike the assertion. It is my strong opinion that the ideal child-rearing situation has less to do with the form of the family and considerably more to do with the character of the individuals in the family. Poly households actually have a few strikes against them. The first is the fact that relationships take time and maintenance - this includes the relationships you have with your children. When you are dealing with multiple romantic relationships, especially when you are not in a closed group and might be adding people to your romantic circle, you are facing an enormous amount of emotional energy. Keep this in mind as a parent. It is all too easy to get sucked into the high levels of emotion one gets in many romantic relationships. Make sure you are working on the relationship with your child, too. A psychologist who appeared as part of a polyamorous show on the John Walsh show once expressed concern about the formation of a poly family and the amount of adult processing that would go on.

Know what?

She was right. There is a lot of processing that goes on in a poly family.

Know what else?

That’s okay.

The second strike against poly households is the hard fact that it is the very rare poly family that will stay together long enough to rear a child. While many people will argue that relationship longevity is not the sole measure of relationship success (and I agree), the simple truth is that it takes 18-20 years to rear a child. Can you name a poly family that has lasted that long. Sure, some exist, but they’re the rarity. Say what you like, but divorce and the stress that leads up to people wanting to break up in the first place is hard on kids. If you’re forming a poly family, you owe it to everyone, including yourself, to keep your relationships in the best order you can.

The last strike is out of individual control in a lot of ways. Poly marriages, especially if you’re a parent, are not accepted very well by the Powers That Be. Since this is so, there’s an added pressure as a parent to Do Things Right.

With all this being the case, what are the real advantages of rearing a child in a poly household?

1. If the household is child-centered you will actually have more freedom for personal development. You see, if you’re careful about committing a good amount of time to the kids and your spice do the same , the kids really do get more attention than they would with a monogamous couple and still leave the adults with more freedom
2. Variety. When all the parents are committed, there is a lot of discussion going on about the job of being a parent. That being so, the different points of view contribute to a more carefully considered parenting strategy, as well as a higher quality of care. Please notice the commitment caveat. If there’s the idea that the child is someone else in the household’s problem, this won’t work .

What it boils down to in any parenting situation is so simple - commitment. Are you committed to the welfare of the children. Do you focus on being as wise as you can manage (no-one is perfect, of course!) in dealing with these developing people? If you’re doing this, the family form doesn’t matter so much. It’s all about you and your individual interaction with your kids.

Originally published at 

 http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20040703.html

Many people in various alternative lifestyle communities (my own writings leap to mind) like to go to some lengths to try to explain that we really are “Just Like You”. Domesticity is often discussed — the activities of dinner around the dining room table, the taking out of trash, the fact we have jobs and pay bills — “Just Like You”.

I give up. Oh sure, we take out the trash, do laundry and pay bills. So what? That’s maintenance. That doesn’t make us “just alike”.

We’re not the same. I know why the assertion existed. I did it, myself. It was to try to gain some acceptance. It was to point out that we have our lives and live them as consciously as many.

Fuggetabouit!

Yeah, we want acceptance, but part of that is going to come from the realization that having to consult a calendar to know who sleeps where and with whom is okay. That there are going to be times when the whole family does not travel together, or share the same religion, or yes, you might actually have to meet three other people to get an okay to date someone.

You really want to realize that yes, we are different, take a walk down memory lane to a party I attended recently.

It’s St. Patrick’s Day. The Pagans (no, not all poly people are pagan, but many are) are Not Wearing Green. Drink is flowing, Irish music is playing, there’s a Guinness to be quaffed and Irish stew for the belly. People are laughing and having a good time.

The party seems mostly to be in two rooms — the kitchen and the living room. In the living room, in lieu of a sofa, there is a mattress covered with pillows and cool looking throws. I had been in the kitchen, but hear The Beast laugh, pop my head in and see him lying on the mattress with four woman. Just talking. No, this was not an orgy.

But, of course, I cannot refrain from needling my delightful Beast. Oh no. I call out very loudly to my wife, “Hey, looks like The Beast has found himself new additions to a harem.”

“Oh?” says my wife.

“Yeah. There’s an orgy going on in the living room.”

From the living room, a clearly female voice protested, “No, it’s my harem!”

At this party were some people who were Not Poly — in a couple of cases, they were people that a friend of the hostess had brought, so it is quite possible that they had never even heard of the concept.

I drifted to the living room to chat with the people in the cuddle pile, but did not join it. My wife drifted in and did join it. The people who did not know us well all stayed in the kitchen, clearly uncomfortable and a little freaked out by the orgy joke and wondering what in the world was going on in the living room. They did peek in to see the cuddle pile on the mattress and wound up skipping out some time rather soon after that, clearly uncomfortable.

It’s little things like that.

This is not to say that we are special somehow because we are different. We’re not, m’kay? We’ve chosen lives that will lead us in paths that are standard ones. That’s okay. For the most part, these differences are not going to be noticed, commented upon or even cared about. My boss doesn’t give a rip about my sex life, for instance, or that I meet different people for lunch all the time, or that I have rather a wide range of pix in my family gallery. Nope, she wants to know that I got the filing done on time and will be able to answer the darned phone! Am I going to explain to her about poly? No need. Not hiding, mindja. My boyfriend comes to visit my office from time to time, and if she asked about it, I’d tell her. But, it’s just not pertinent to the situation at hand.