The Polyamorous Misanthrope

Originally published at

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20041225.html

Well, honestly? I think a lot of people who complain about not having any holiday spirit do so because they don’t feel that they’re festive enough, rather than accepting whatever level of festiveness they happen to feel at the moment. I mean, you’re not going to feel wonderful just because it happens to be a holiday.  — Me, in a conversation with a close friend

Mama Java, she loves Christmas. A lot. It’s her birthday, and she was named for it, after all.

Now, I’ve known a lot of people who don’t like the holiday season. In spite of my own love of it, I can understand. Christmas, by its name, is considered a Christian holiday, and the non-Christians often feel overshadowed. They don’t get the day off for Solstice, or they feel sick of the manger scenes, their religion doesn’t necessarily have all that big of a winter festival, the menorah lights have been cold for days, or the family gathering where they’re getting picked on for their religion. That’s no picnic.

Then there’s the commercialism, the pressure to buy and buy and buy, and the wondering how you’re going to afford all this, the fear that you’re going to leave someone important out on your gift list. You feel guilty if you get your kids too little; feel guilty if you give your kids too much stuff. You get loaded down with knickknacks that mean nothing to you.

Then there’s the hectic schedule — the holiday concerts and parties and visits to and from relatives. Relatives. There’s a can of worms all in and of itself! You feel guilty if you don’t go to see people you’re related to. You feel guilty if you do go and aren’t thrilled.

It can be a real mess.^*

I really do think that we often (myself included) miss the real meaning of the season — no matter your religion or lack thereof.

I have always thought of Christmas as a good time: a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time: the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow-passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys.

– Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

Do we always do this? Of course not. We’re human beings and we’re not perfect. But to me, the holiday season, what with the light coming back at Solstice, the anticipation of a rebirth and renewal of spirit is a time to remember and recommit to open the heart, to honor the ties we value, and to be open to what really matters in life — the love that we do hold for people in our lives.

What are some things one can do to honor the actual spirit of this time of the year?

• Don’t try to have “the perfect holiday”.

  Poly families are notoriously blended families. You know, you may have had a certain ornament you just had to hang in a certain place and if you didn’t, you feel like the holiday is spoiled, but your partners probably did not grow up with this specific tradition. Don’t be too focused on How the Holiday Should Be. Be open to celebrating in different ways.

• Let go of holiday guilt

  Maybe you don’t have much money, and aren’t going to be able to buy much. Maybe you’re going through a bad time personally. You don’t have to make that gingerbread train with the hand made candy lake, ice skaters and train station. If you’re in the mood, great. If not, don’t feel guilty.

• Don’t let the joy of the holiday be dependant on how other people act

There’s not a thing wrong with lighting a candle and mediating on the season, or playing a meaningful game with the kids (and letting go of the expectation of whether or not they’re going to have bright, shining innocent faces, or if they’re going to be whiny, sugar-hyper little brats), playing an album that means a lot to you (by the way Christmas Eve and Other Stories is flat out my favorite seasonal album. ROCKS, ROCKS, I tell you!), or anything special that doesn’t require a lot of externals. For me, at least, the thing that matters most is what is in the heart. Don’t let your Holiday happiness rely on whether or not Uncle Jim gets drunk like he does every damned year and starts getting obnoxious.

• If you’re feeling Scroogish, let go of any guilt about it.

If it just isn’t your thing, it isn’t. That’s okay.

In the end, it’s not about religion, it’s not about money. It’s the heart. It’s always the heart and the joy and celebration of life and light and birth and love.

In the words of The Ghost of Christmas Present:

Originally published at

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20041211.html

“Don’t do anything by half. If you love someone, love them with all your soul. When you go to work, work your ass off. When you hate someone, hate them until it hurts.” -- Henry Rollins

Moderation is not and never has been my best friend. I like it hot or cold. Lukewarm? Forget it. When I get into something, I charge in, sword waving, chewing on my shield, face painted blue and screaming, eating brains… <blush> Well figuratively speaking, anyway.

There is this little thing called balance, however. What about balance?

Balance is not about doing something half-heartedly. It’s not about moderation, either. It really is about doing something with your whole heart and soul. If you’ve ever been a surfer, gymnast, martial artist, or dancer you know that. If you don’t focus on what you’re doing with all your heart and soul, you lose your balance and you fall. You fall hard.

While the need for balance is hardly a poly specific issue, the simple fact of the matter is that as you complicate relationships, balance becomes more and more necessary.

“So what is balance and how do I get it?” I hear you plead with a puppy-like whine in your voice.

Balance is simply a matter of being effective in what you do. Life is going to throw you a variety of experience, after all ­ especially if you are poly! To attain true balance in your life, you all really do need to focus and do what you’re doing with a whole heart. When you’re at work, you’re focused on your work. When you’re at home and with your loves, you’re not thinking about work, you’re focused on your loves. When you’re playing with your kids, you’re not thinking about the bills. When you’re doing the bills, you’re not thinking about that hot date last weekend.

This takes a lot of practice. In our society, we tend to admire multitasking. While there’s genuinely nothing wrong with analyzing a problem while doing the dishes, or any other routine task, relationships are not routine tasks by any stretch of the imagination. They require focus. They require you to pay attention when you’re interacting.

But…

What they don’t require is your full attention and focus when you’re not interacting or planning. When you’re with your husband, don’t be focused on your boyfriend, and vice versa. It’s a sure way to throw a monkey wrench in both relationships, and it’s no way to be balanced in how you interact with your loves.

That’s where the balance comes in ­ not leaning left when you need to lean right, making all those little adjustments and shifts of focus as you go through your life.

Balance is NOT spending an exactly equal amount of times with each of your loves. (God forbid. I’ve been involved with extroverts from time to time. If they tried to spend as much time with me as they did with each other, I’d freak). It is about the focus required to find out what their needs are, and the focus required of you to find out what needs you want to meet. It’s about knowing your own needs and finding out ways to meet them.

It’s about being a whole person. Notice I’ve mentioned several non-relationship issues here in this column. While yes, I’m poly, I have a job, I have kids, and I have non-relationship-centered interests and passions. It’s important to focus on them wholeheartedly when I schedule time to pursue them, just as it is with relationships.

But no, you don’t have to be a moderate person to have balance.

In fact, I’m out of woad and need to go make up some more blue paint.

Toodles for a couple of weeks!