The Polyamorous Misanthrope

Originally published at

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20050319.html

So, what if you’re already in a relationship and want to convince a spouse/partner to try polyamory?

As I have stated before, I am not particularly sympathetic to cheating . I frequently have conversations with people who say that they have this compelling need to love more than one person, but that a mate would not understand. Being somewhat naive, I do not think that they are loving anyone if the motive is to “turn” someone poly or to obtain absolution for cheating. I strongly suggest that if you want to try poly and are considering cheating – don’t. Trust me on this one. Keep your zipper up or your panties on and show a little self control. Keep that burning cauldron of passion under wraps until you straighten things out. You’ll be glad you did.

Basically, if you want to go poly and you are in a committed relationship, you have three honorable options. First, you can discuss it with your mate and hope like all get out you get at least a moderately affirmative answer. You can discuss it with your mate, get a negative answer and stay in the monogamous relationship or you can discuss it with your mate, get a negative answer and opt to leave the relationship.

Obviously, this is fraught with a great amount of emotional turmoil. There are plenty of people, maybe even most that would agree to poly to keep a beloved mate. How much do you love your mate? Can you live with forcing that kind of choice on him? I have seen the effects of this choice. About half the time, it works out fairly well. The other half tends to range from nightmare to hell. I wish I could say otherwise, I really do.

Your mate is going to have to know in his heart that she is loved. Your actions must speak very loudly on the fact that you love your mate and will devote a great deal of attention to the original relationship. If you behave in this way, you will be coming from the right emotional place where it has the greatest chance of working. This is something that you learn, by the way. It takes constant effort. Love is powerful, but to be truly, honestly loving requires a lot of self-discipline – more than you’re likely to have at the moment . That’s okay, too. The important thing is to work on it, and develop it day by day. It’s not something you’ll acquire overnight, after all. Be forgiving with yourself without giving yourself permission to slack about it.

I don’t mean to sound too pessimistic here. In fact, I know a couple rather intimately who started monogamous and decided to be poly. It has worked quite well for them. Just remember that it does take work on everyone’s part.

The first thing to do when attempting to bring up polyamory is to follow through on this as best you can. Your partner will see your actions. This is important, as it is likely that any words that indicate a desire to open the relationship are going to be scary to your partner. How could they not be? Let’s face it, our society is into the whole “one true love” idea — the perfect love, the perfect bliss, the ideal soulmate. Reality check: Your partner’s breath is going to smell bad in the morning. Your lactose intolerance is still going to create situations in which your partner needs a gas mask after a pizza. The electric bill still needs to be paid and if you don’t put away your laundry, it is still going to get wrinkled. This is not going to change because you’re in love. That perfect state of giggly bliss is wonderful and will come back from time to time in relationships, but it is not a constant.

Unfortunately, many polyamorous people are hooked on that newly in love feeling. That’s no great surprise, of course. It does feel really good. Friends, it’s not meant to last. It’s meant to get you to bond with someone while being able to overlook that fact, that yes, this person, too, gets eye boogers. It’s not a sign that you have found The One Who Will Make You Happy For The Rest of Your Life.

I am, honest to God, not against romance. I like it very much. I merely want it understood that romance is no more indicative of love than blue eyes is indicative of high blood pressure.

The reason I am cautioning so strongly against this is that it is so very easy to get swept up in the feelings of being newly in love. If you are not presently in a relationship and you find someone, it’s no big deal if you let yourself get all giddy. It is quite a different matter if you are already in a relationship.

Your partner is just as much of a member of your culture as you are. You partner has heard the One True Love fairy tales, might believe on some level that you can only be in love with one person and has seen how you act when you fall in love. Remember when you fell in love with your partner? Your partner probably does. People do crazy things when they fall in love. Your partner knows and remembers this. Certainly, he remembers the time you left school to marry him, dumped an old boyfriend to be with him, switched careers to be able to be close to him, or even ignored some of your own goals to support him while he tried to get a writing career started? She remembers you going into debt to buy her jewelry that you really couldn’t afford and neglecting to pay the rent. She remembers you blowing off your friends to be with her.

Your partner probably isn’t stupid. If you bring up the idea of opening up a relationship, all these things are going to come tumbling out. Don’t do a whole lot of verbal reassurance here. Yes, you need to express your thoughts, but do not go overboard. Make absolutely certain that any actions you take will match your words.

The big issue here is trust. You have to let your actions show the love you profess.

By the way, polyamory is not going to fix a failing relationship. It will mercilessly expose the cracks in your present relationship. So, before you go looking for other partners, do yourself a favor. Get your present relationship straightened out. Are you communicating? Are you listening? Do you know your partner down into her bones? Do you know his dreams? Do you know his fears? Get your relationship between the two of you straightened out first, then go to work on expanding the relationship.

Frankly, I do think for poly to work, you really do have to have a “tell the truth and shame the devil” attitude. I know from experience that the natural inclination is to make sure you only reveal what you think will keep relationships going – whether from pride, or because you feel a partner may not accept an emotion or an opinion, or whatever. It’ll only turn around and bite you, so don’t bother. If you’re comfortable and happy with something, say so. If you’re uncomfortable and unhappy with something, say so. Don’t beat around the bush. Not letting your partner have all the information isn’t actually loving – especially assuming your partner cares deeply for you and your feelings.

When you do this, you might want to consider some ground rules for opening up the relationship. Yeah, I know this is totally contradictory to the whole free love thing, but when the Sixties ended I was still in diapers and when I came of age, AIDS was a tragic reality. More than feelings get hurt when you screw up these days.

These are some ground rules that I have seen people set up in opening their relationships:

1. I must meet your new partner
2. I want Wednesday, Friday and Sunday nights to be mine no matter what.
3. I want, if you take a lover, for that person to be lovers with us both.
4. I don’t want to meet or know your new lovers.
5. We agree always to use safer sex practices.
6. I must approve your new partner.
7. I don’t want any rules at all.
8. We will not have sex with other partners in our own bed.
9. We will not have sex with other partners in each others’ hearing.
10. We will only have sex with other partners if both are present.
11. We will reserve specific sex acts/recreational activities only for each other.
12. I want to be considered your primary partner, and all other lovers to be secondary.
13. I want all partners in our various relationships to be considered equally.
14. I want to have other partners, but I do not want you to.
15. You must give any potential lovers full disclosure of what a relationship with you entails, before you become lovers preferably, and this means telling them about all other SO’s, and that your other partners will know about them, and would like to meet them and hopefully become friends and if that is not acceptable then no dice.
16. Don’t lie to significant others.
17. Don’t fall in love with anyone but me.

Obviously, not all of the rules I have seen are compatible with each other. I’m not going to suggest specific ground rules for you and your partner, other than the fact I do think you should decide between yourselves what they should be. Both of you should feel comfortable with them and agree to them freely. The “freely” part is important. You want everyone in the relationship to feel comfortable. Railroad someone into poly and you will have an explosion on your hands. I guarantee it. Even the most submissive of doormats has a breaking point. Show this to your partner and tell her I said that you’re not allowed to try to intimidate her into going poly.

As I will reiterate until you want to scream, communication is essential. A salesperson I know once commented, “If you do not ask, you do not give them the opportunity to say yes.” I’ve always liked that sentiment.

One thing I do recommend, and this is from the experience of observation, is a “speak now or forever hold your peace” rule. I have seen many relationships in which a couple opened up, one of the spouses got involved with someone, then the husband or wife pulls a switch after some weeks or months, telling their spouse that they have to break it off with the new love. I think this is a bad idea.

This does not mean that once your husband has given approval, you can run off, spend 75% percent of your time with your new love and ignore your husband, and he can’t say a word about it. I am not giving blanket permission for people to be self-centered jerks here. Remember, polyamory. Love. That kind of behavior is not at all loving.

What I am saying is: Do not give your approval unless you are very, very sure. Remember, once someone you love gets involved with someone else, there are more people’s feelings involved. If your husband gets involved with someone else, he and his new partner are (hopefully) going to love each other, too. It’s not very nice to permit such a relationship to get started, then jerk the rug out.

There are people who make as a ground rule that the established relationship must come first and that all other relationships are secondary to that. While I am not really big into hierarchy, you are a couple living together, you might find it easier to designate primary and secondary relationships in order to make sure that everyone’s needs are properly taken care of. This is completely up to you and will vary from relationship to relationship. There is no One Right Way to do this, other than making sure everyone is freely agreeing to what is going on.

So, if this still sounds like a good thing, go find your partner and communicate, communicate, communicate!

Originally posted on

http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20050305.html

This is the talk I had written for the Poly Living Conference in the Wyndam Franklin Plaza in Philadelphia, PA on February 20, 2005. If you attended the talk, you’ll notice that this does not match up exactly. It turned into something of a question/answer discussion quite early. Still, most points were covered!

Being a poly parent can be lots of fun. Shoot, being a parent can be, too. But it is a challenge under any circumstance. The first thing almost anyone will ask when approaching the subject of poly parenting is, “But what about the children?” I’ve said this before many times and I re-iterate that it is a very valid question. What about them? How do you handle it? Will being poly screw the kids up if they know about it?

Well, the last question is the easiest. Poly or not has little to do with how well one parents. In the end, it is your own parenting skill that makes the most difference. So, no, if they know you’re poly, it isn’t going to screw them up.

If you’re going to let the kids know that you are poly, then they need a decent sexual education. This does not mean you have to tell them what you do. In my own personal opinion, the specifics of what I do in bed with whom is none of the kids’ damned business. Do they know grownups who are in love have sex sometimes? Yes.

Let the kids be the guide in the sex education department. Trust me on this one, they do ask age appropriate questions. Don’t go into too much detail. Just answer questions truthfully without making a production of it. If they want more info, they’ll ask. If you bring up too much, you’re going to step over bounds, and probably yuck them out. A member of my clan has a joke about this. He’ll go into this routine where he’s making gestures like a football referee, and say, “Oversharing. Roughing the listener. Two drink penalty!”

I do think it is better if the kids have a fairly clear idea of the relationships. I also think it is quite okay for the kids to meet your loves. While it is not a guarantee, it is often the case that the adult will be a positive figure in the child’s life. My kids have a lot of adults in their lives that love them and interact with them on a regular basis. I think it is good for them, because instead of having only parents as an example of The Way Adults Are, they get a much wider view from having close relationships with lots of them. I see no reason why loves should not be different. If you think your loves are not a good influence on the kids, why the hell are you having a relationship with them in the first place?

If you are the otherlove, you are in a unique position. Don’t be too eager to get into the kids’ affections. Kids are people and making friends with them is like making friends with anyone else. While no, there’s no romantic aspect, there is something of a “courting process” in earning a child’s trust and affection. Notice my use of the word “earn”. It’s a process and the older the child, the longer the process. That’s okay. My daughter was calling me Mama within a month (she was two). My son, who is older, did not start using parental titles with his other parents for a couple of years. We had decided to let the kids be the guide in this and not push. It worked out well, and the kids do see all the parents as their parents now. I think that being too eager would have ruined it. This is true even if you are not intending to be an actual parent to the child.

If you’re forming a multi adult household, watch the people you’re going to move in with like a hawk! Watch how they treat their children. Watch how they treat your children. If they have no kids, watch how they treat your kids. Is it significantly different from how they treat children who do not belong to loves? What about parenting philosophies? All of this is important information. We did this with each other when my family got together, and I am glad we did.

If you’re going to have multiple parents in the household, you’re going to need to do a lot of talking things out. Remember how all the parenting books talk about the necessity for the kids to have firm and clear boundaries in the household? Before those boundaries get set it’s important to decide on them! This is going to be a constant process, as children are not static. They change and grow and necessary boundaries change and grow with them. I find it very helpful to have fairly set household rules and expectations as well as consequences when the boundaries are broken. If everyone is on the same page, then it works out better and the kids cannot play parents against each other.

With that in mind, I also find it is a good idea not to countermand the other parents, even if you disagree. Unless you’re dealing with an issue of direct physical safety, it really is better, in my opinion, to let the situation slide, then go ahead and discuss the matter away from the kids. In my own household, it’s a rather serious issue if a child goes from a parent who said “no” to something to another parent to try to get a “yes”. That works well for us.

One of the things many parents are going to have to guard against in multi-parent households, especially women, is the “I’m Da Mama!” syndrome. You know, you see something you don’t like and all your Mama Bear instincts go full force. If you’re going to have all adults all be parents, that means you’re willing to give up some authority there and allow for a balance. Do your very very best to decide if you can handle this or not before you all move in together. It really is okay to say, “Look, we’re all going to live together and certainly you can enforce household rules, but I’m the parent!” You need to choose one or the other and stick to it. It is bad for the kids if you go back and forth on this, so make your decision carefully.

I re-iterate that you must earn the trust of the kids. When you all move in together, it really is going to be a process. It might very well take a few years, so be patient.

When you move in together and become a multi-parent household, one of the things you’re going to need to decide about is whether or not you are going to be in or out about being poly to the community. Now, if you’ve read my writings, you know that I think it is safer to be out in the long run. Here is a detailed discussion of my opinion one the subject, which is a bit far ranging. But as you talk about this, there are things to consider: the age of the kids, the reaction of the extended family, and how comfortable the kids are with the whole situation. As a parent you know your children far better than I do and I am going to presume you give a lot of thought to what might be best for them, so I won’t go any further into the subject.

However, one of the most common questions one gets when one decides to go poly — whether a group marriage is formed or not, is “Can I lose my children doing this?”

Unfortunately, there are no absolutes. This is the breakdown of the risks as best as I have been able to ascertain from observing the poly community and the few legal cases that have crossed my inbox or in talking to people. I’ve discussed this info with a couple of lawyers, and they’ve not disagreed with most of these points. I do welcome information on this subject, especially if you have been through or can cite court cases in which decisions have been different from the information I give here. In reading all of this, please keep in mind that I am not a lawyer. Check out the laws for your state, and

You are safest if you live in a state where nothing you do is illegal. This means you are in slightly more danger in terms of your kids if adultery, co-habitation, fornication, sodomy or any other sexual practice that you are into is illegal. I highly recommend that if you want to live in a multi-adult, multi-parent household that you move if you live in a state where what you do has laws against it. As I have often commented, I am a 14th generation Virginian, and loved my home very very much, and have roots that go so deep they rival a vineyard. But Virginia’s sex laws are appalling. So my family and I moved.

The basic reason I had moved from Virginia was a case in which a young woman with a son moved in with a female lover. The woman’s mother objected to the relationship and took the young woman to court to get custody of the son. The judge ruled that because the young woman was a practicing lesbian (it’s not illegal to be gay in Virginia, but it is illegal to have sex with someone of the same sex), that she was a criminal, and by definition and unfit mother. So while sex laws of this nature are almost never enforced, they can be used against you.

So… let’s have a breakdown of the dangers

The chances of any sort of child protective agency yanking a child out of a home “so fast it would make your head spin” is slim. This might happen if there is an accusation of abuse of any sort. Even then, you’re much more likely to have someone investigate your house first. I’m going to assume your children are well-fed, your house has food, they’re clean, have appropriate medical care and proper access to education — in other words, I am assuming you’re taking good care of the kids. (If you’re not taking good care of the kids, I have scant sympathy!)If you’re a decent parent, you’re unlikely to have them yanked immediately. That will only happen if there seems to be immediate evidence of abuse. Oh… As far as “adult” materials? Put ‘em somewhere where a child cannot have access. A nice locked chest at the foot of the bed works, or in a box in the top of a closet — anything like that.

A biological parent — especially one who has been consistently involved in the child’s rearing and has provided considerable support either in the form of child support or child care time could and would be able to sue for custody and might very well win. However, it must be done in the home state of the child, unless the custody agreement is silent on this subject. I’ve been warned by the way, by a member of the PolyFamilies mailing list who has been through a divorce that this is very important to put into any custody agreement. If you’re poly and have kids and have someone who is a legal parent of the child who disapproves and will take action, there’s a fair chance that person will win. It’s not set, but this is a big deal and you’re at quite a lot of risk.

A grandparent is less able to cause legal trouble that will actually succeed. Again, charges of abuse are the biggest a-bomb. As far as custody suits? The only ones that I know of that have been won are instances in which the families have been accepting considerable financial support from said grandparents, either in terms of money or the equivalent in the form of low rent (and you’re nuts to be living on the property of someone who disapproves of poly if you have kids!), tuition, help with bills, low cost loans for a down payment on a house, cars, tuition, or most especially significant child care. No, the occasional babysitting while you take a night out is no big deal, but if there is a regular schedule of more than 20 hours a week, and the grandparent disapproves, look out. Don’t accept support from your parents if they disapprove of your lifestyle. The morality of it aside (I consider it extremely unethical. You might feel differently about it).

Brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles and cousins are less of a concern. Mostly this is going to have to do with how much financial support you might be getting, but they’re damned near in the category of stranger.

Strangers? You only have to worry if there are allegations of abuse. A stranger cannot take your kids. Yes, school teachers and other child care professionals are legally required to report cases of suspected abuse. But hell, I can’t think of many poly parents who don’t support coming down like a ton of bricks on abusers… Whether or not you’re going to be out to your school is up to you. My family is, but we don’t discuss our sex lives. We just all four show up at parent teacher conferences, and are all involved in the kids’ education. The teachers and school administration all know that they can contact any one of the four of us for any issue.

It is also a good idea to know the peeves of your local child protective agencies. There is a poly family one the West coast who decided to be very proactive about this and made an anynomous call from a pay phone to describe their family situation and ask if the agency would consider this a dangerous situation in which to rear a child. This particular agency responded that as long as the child was not directly exposed to the sexual activities of the adults, that it was not a concern for them. If you are concerned, this might be a good way to get more information. Another route, albeit more expensive, is to get a lawyer who specializes in family issues and take that advice. This is not dangerous due to professional ethics of lawyer-client priviledge.

The value of being involved in your kids lives aside, I do recommend that if you are going to be out, be involved. If you’re visible and people see you being involved with the kids, they’re less likely to worry that there’s some deep dark secret that you’re ashamed of and needs to be hidden. Volunteer to coach soccer, join the PTA, volunteer to be a “room mother”, be a Girl Scout troop leader — whatever you can in whatever spare time you have. Yeah, I know, as a poly person, that’s usually limited.

Which brings up another subject. There was a talk show once on which a group of poly people forming a group marriage appeared. One of the couples involved had a twelve year old child. A child psychologist expressed concern that the child might fall through the cracks because of the copious adult processing going on. Poly prejudice?

I want you to listen closely. Lean in and make sure you understand Mama Java really well.

That shrink was right!!!!

Got that? That psychologist had an excellent point! I know I’ve said it before, but adult processing takes time, focus and energy. Children most certainly are effected by tension in the house. In fact, lemme tell on myself here. The children are allowed to have hot lunch from the cafeteria one day a week. They are responsible for making their own lunches for school on the other days. One day, Muscle Boy chose to have hot lunch on a day on which there was a field trip. No-one caught this. Fortunately the cafeteria made him a peanut butter sandwich, so he did not go hungry, but you wanna talk Mommy Guilt? Oh my lord! In a busy group household things can slip through the cracks if you don’t pay attention. Have a system to take care of routine physical matters, for goodness sake! Make sure you spend time with the kids so you’re up on the emotional stuff. I consider the lunch incident a cheap lesson for my household.

I also strongly recommend that you all have wills and those wills clearly outline guardianships for the children. If you do not do this, legal relatives will be favored. In my own household, I hate to think of my children not only losing one or two parents, but losing all of them due to a legal snafu because a parent died intestate. At least have a holographic (hand written) will as a stopgap until you can see a lawyer.

In this vein, if you have not made your family a family corporation or LLC, I strongly recommend that the family home and major assets be put in a living trust. This will avoid probate and keep inheritance taxes from causing your family to lose your home if you die. This is something that will really effect the children, so think ahead.

Also, for any children you have that do not have a legal relationship to you, please do have a child care authorization form. I have not done so, but think it would be a good idea to make this card sized, and have it laminated to keep in my wallet. You’ll be glad you did if there is an emergency. It is also something you can file with the schools in case it’s needed for more routine matters.

So what if relationships don’t go well and the family breaks up? The simple truth is that the average length of a group marriage is four to eight years. It’s a bad idea to gloss over this, and it’s worse to think it can’t happen to you. I know in the throes of NRE, you might think everything is going to be perfect, and there is nothing you and your partners cannot work through. Yes, that could be the case, but what if it is not? You need to think in advance about what will happen if the family breaks up. Parenting commitments are just that. They’re more important than other relationship commitments. Talk to your partners and decide what you think will be best if the family breaks up. Many families decide that if the children have been reared together for significant time, that it is a bad idea to separate them, no matter what biological or legal ties are involved. I approve of this myself. I recognize that extreme situations alter cases, but do keep this in mind as you get your family together. If you’re going to become a parent, it’s a huge commitment, no matter what.

I know this is a lot to load on you all at once, but it was meant to be an hour and a half discussion. The funny part is that this is really only an overview. You’ll notice that throughout the article, I do suggest you go and do your own research on several things. <grin> But even with all of this, parenting is fun and poly parenting is no exception!