The Polyamorous Misanthrope

I got quite a compliment many years ago from a member of the mailing list generated by the Polyfamilies site. Basically, the lady had never really intended to be a stay at home mom, or do the housewife thing. She found it too pedestrian and far too conformist and as a result, was having a hard time coping with some stuff she’d committed to. As she was reading the site, and reading the comments of the people on the mailing list, she came to her own little epiphany that she could be a freak and still have her life together.

It was exciting to learn that yes, the site has made a difference in someone’s life, and that people are getting the idea that you can consciously choose how you are going to live. That you can be different and not throw what you may value to the winds.

As I was talking about this to my family at the time, I found myself laughing and saying, “That’s right, I want people to be a credit to their kink!”

While I meant it as a joke, it’s actually quite true. I would love to see all the freaks, the alternative lifestylers, and those of us on the fringe going out there and being the energetic, motivated workers in the office, the most reliable contractors, the people that are known to be charitable, kindly and honest.

Of course, alternative lifestylers are no better or worse than everyone else. We’re just human, and it’s vain as hell that I would like to see us working our best to just plain be better, more creative, more organized, more generous people.

But it’s a vanity I don’t really want to get rid of.

A lot of poly people do something I think is awesome, by the way. They’re volunteers for various organizations and not just the lifestyle stuff¹, but in churches, scouting, homeless shelters and other community services. If you’re poly and don’t do volunteer work, I encourage you to try out some small thing every now and then. Even little occasional stuff like being a blood donor counts for a lot², becacuse if a lot of people do things like that, it adds up! It’s okay to pick something you find fun, too³. We don’t all have to be Mother Theresa.

This isn’t to say that I think poly people oughta be perfect to call themselves poly. (Otherwise I’d be the first to kick myself out of the “club”). But there is this nagging vanity that would love to see “polyamorous” create an image of an amazingly together, kewl hoopy frood in people’s minds.

In the interests of “being a credit to your kink”, I want to recommend some self-improvement stuff to you guys. I do not agree with every single little thing these people say (curiously enough, they’re mostly monogamous, and often quite traditional people whose faiths mean a great deal to them). But they do good work and the principles do apply to anyone’s life, no matter what one’s taste is in <snerk> rubbing carapaces. Like anything, take what’s useful to you. It won’t be everything — not even my oh so inspired writing!

• The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. I’m an audiobook freak, so I listen to the unabridged version on my iPod. And I encourage you not to bother with the abridged version if you get it as an audiobook. Get the unabridged. If you are in any sort of organization, a family of any size included, seriously do read/listen to this. This is good stuff and focuses on valuing relationships. However, fair warning, Stephen Covey is a devout member of the LDS Church and his manner and views reflect this. It might get under your fingernails too much for you to enjoy the work. Your call. I think he’s got a lot of good points.
• Flylady. If you have organzational management issues, check this site out.
• Stumptuous This is a site that talks mostly about weight lifting for women, but she’s a women and gender studies scholar, so it’s not a the “get skinny to be a worthwhile human” type garbage. She deals with health and gender issues, too. Cool stuff. She likes to use Naughty Words when she writes, so she get the Goddess of Java’s Self-Expression Seal of Approval. I don’t think physical fitness is any particular virtue, mind, but for those who are into “A healthy mind in a healthy body” as a goal, I’ll throw it out there.

Other Useful Stuff from the Polyfamilies Yahoogroup Membership at Large:

• Illusions, by Richard Bach
• Jonathan Livingston Seagull, Richard Bach
• No Ordinary Moments, by Dan Millman
• Fitday – a nutrition/exercise tracker
• Emotional Blackmail , by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier
• Loving What Is, by Byron Katie and Stephen Mitchell
• Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman

¹ Which is important! (If I didn’t think so, this site wouldn’t be here, now would it?
² Though it occurs to me that blood donation is a bad example as there are a lot of polys disqualified for that… (For those of you not too familiar with what I’m talking about, I don’t mean rampant AIDS. The Red Cross screens out men who have had sex with men, and women who have had sex with men who have had sex with men).
³ In the interests of practicing what I preach, I looked around for a volunteer opportunity and now do so at a museum. Gadgets! Toys! Wheeee!!!

I wanna talk a bit about vetos.

I don’t like ‘em – not one tiny little bit. I don’t like the ramifications of a veto. There is an implication of ownership overlaid with a serious lack of trust. No, don’t whine at me about this. If you need a veto, there is a desire to protect yourself. This isn’t meant to activate some macho thing. You know, “I don’t need to protect myself!” Sometimes you do, and there’s no use at all in fooling yourself about it.

My concern with the veto power is that I think it actually promotes a lack of trust between partners. To me a veto says, “I don’t really trust your judgment, and I feel fairly sure that at some point, if you meet someone <more attractive><more intelligent><better in bed><name your insecurity>, and you will <leave me><screw me over><take your pick of your personal relationship “disaster”>.”

A veto also says, “I need something with more ‘firepower’ than merely asking for what I want.”

If that’s the way you feel, and feel it strongly enough to want yes or no say over someone else’s choices, is that relationship really a good idea for you? I mean seriously, think about it a minute.

Have I ever felt the need for a veto? Yep, sure did. And I took away from that experience that a desire for a veto is a big ole waving red flag that the particular relationship was Not Healthy for Mama Java, and I need to examine stuff really closely.

Now, I know how stuff like this can be twisted, so don’t take this article as an excuse to beat someone over the head, saying, “If you want a veto you don’t trust me. If you really love and trust me, you won’t even ask for such a thing!” If you get asked for a veto, it’s time for some introspection. Your partner knows you¹. If you habitually lie, your partner knows it. If it is your habit to get obsessed and disregard agreements, your partner knows this. If you do not ask for what you want, but what you think you can “get away with”, your partner knows this, too.

Now look me in the eye and say, “But he should just trust me!” I’ll laugh my ass off, I will!

I suppose what it really boils down to is the emotional bank account. The emotional bank account is the amount of trust that has been built up in the relationship. Is it high? If it’s not, I am strongly of the opinion that polyamory with veto conditions is not the way to make those deposits. The very need for vetos means that the emotional bank account with your partner is not very high. You need to work on other things. The very veto agreement will prey on your mind – a constant reminder of the difficulties in the relationship.

This is not to say that I think boundaries in relationships are not needed. Of course I don’t think that! Agreements are important. Mutual understanding is very important. But the very concept of the veto is inherently false, as it says, “I get a say in what you do.” You don’t. You get to ask, but you don’t have the power to choose for someone else, so why pretend?

I think it’s important to keep things rooted in reality. In reality, if you’re edgy about someone’s new interest, you can ask for what you want and set your boundaries² for what’s okay. It’s also fine to point out things that might concern you because you’re concerned about someone you love being hurt. That’s different from saying, “No, you can’t.” and is a lot more respectful of your partner’s boundaries.

¹If you don’t feel like your partner knows you really well, you are a fucking idiot for even considering handing that person a veto. Sorry. I can’t sugarcoat that. It’s shooting yourself in the balls.

²Remember when you set your boundaries that this can only be done when you’re very clear on your locus of control. Don’t mix it up with what is genuinely not under your control!

This isn’t part of the article, but when I noticed the date it was going out, something in my own life hit me, so I have to say this. If you love someone, tell them. Love is a pretty simple and basic thing, and it doesn’t necessarily mean “I want to have your babies” or “I want a lifetime commitment.” It can be a lot simpler than that. I’m talking about friends and family just as much as any romantic relationship you have. Love is love! But…

Don’t let the opportunity pass. You never know if you might lose it. When the chance is gone, it’s gone forever. I know this sounds awful fluffybunny, but love ain’t fluffy and it is important.

When you’re poly and partnered, sometimes the partner has a date, and for whatever reason you’re “stuck” home.

How do you treat this time? Bitch, moan, put your hair in curlers and wear your granny housecoat?¹

Don’t.

Whether or not you are finding you might want to negotiate or renegotiate time agreements, now is not the time to let your morale slide. I wrote an article a couple of years ago about how you are your own primary. I stand by that as firmly as ever, and think a date with yourself is always a good thing.

So, let’s say you decide that yes, you do deserve a date with yourself. You do, by the way, honest, you really do. Never forget that. Where to start?

I encourage anyone home with small kids to figure out a way — a small and not too difficult way, to do something small and special with them. My parents were monogamous, but my father had to travel on business from time to time. My mother really disliked it when my father was away, but Mom was smart and did her best not to mope. We might have “breakfast for dinner” in our jammies, or would use the good china in the dining room by candlelight, instead of eating in the kitchen — just something little and different, but with a sense of “special” so we wouldn’t be missing Daddy too badly and bedtime routines would go smoothly without him. If you have kids, this isn’t a bad idea when your partner is out on a date.

Once your kids are in bed, and you’re free for your self indulgent night, the first thing you want to do is stuff all the clutter out of sight in whatever room you’re going to be using.² I give my own bedroom more of a boudoir feel because it means there is little preparation involved for the self indulgence.

You might want to consider an actual Home Alone Indulgence Kit.

Your kit and mine are going to be different. I have a very femme d’une certaine age (since I am) slant to mine.

The Goddess of Java’s Kit:

• Nice Lounge Wear — silky jammies. I’m also making myself a couple of hostess gowns and a kimono and haori. Never underestimate the power of elegant, comfortable loungewear.
• Bath Scents – I start out any self-indulgent evening with a nice bath.
• Incense – It’s a good idea to make sure the scent doesn’t clash with the bath scents!
• Candles – I prefer neutral or non-scented if I am going to use the incense
• Manicure kit with parafin dip – manicures always make me feel very pampered and as part of my grooming for my evening, I’ll usually give myself one.
• Something to make a nice drink, and a good glass/cup to drink it out of — Yes, I have some nice china, but you can get some pretty good stemware at the local dollar store. I am very fond of my $1 cocktail glasses. It doesn’t have to be expensive, but something “special” is important.
• Some suitable music – this can depend, but it’s usually either Baroque or some really sexy music. Voodoo Chile by Jimi Hendrix is a favorite.

I find it well neigh impossible to feel sorry for myself or down with a fresh manicure, a nice bone china cup full of Jasmine tea, sitting in a candlelit room and listening to Voodoo Chile in silky loungewear. It Just Can’t Be Done.

This is my way of savoring my time. I’m sure there are men reading this feel like it’s a Bit Too Girly. Well, I’ve had macho male partners that liked candlelit baths as much as ever I did, so I can promise you it won’t kill your masculinity to try it. But, maybe it’s not your thing. What is yours? Do you have something creative you like to do? (By the way, some of these articles are written after the bath, manicure, martini, et al.) I find creativity a wonderful way to celebrate the self. What about food? Is there a meal you love that your partner does not? Now is the time to enjoy it. Don’t neglect presentation, even if you’re eating alone. Are there movies you love that your partner doesn’t? Hey, guess what you can do? This is the time to watch that appallingly stupid comedy your wife can’t stand!

Whatever you do, make an “event” of it. If you’re happy with how things are going with you and your partner, this will reinforce the happiness. If you’re not happy with how things are going, this gets your morale up and allows you to address the issue from a place where you’re valuing yourself deeply, you’re calmer and clear-headed enough to discuss matters lovingly and effectively.

Either way, you’re taking responsibility for yourself, your happiness and your time and savoring life.

¹Or the male version… Or even granny coat and curlers if you are male, but if you’re doing that, I’m presuming a fetish and that you’re probably not really all that unhappy indulging it.
²And if you have a regular problem with clutter, check out Flylady. No, she’s not poly and she’s an incredibly “traditional” wife, but her system is very good, indeed.

Do you have Rules for Dating?

If you don’t, you should. Yes, I know, “should” is bad and evil and I’m stomping all over boundaries to tell you that you should be doing anything.

Feh. I suck, I know.

Okay…

You might find it helpful to write yourself a series of dating rules. (Better?) I certainly have found it helpful and useful in my own life! If you’re writing it to yourself, you can pretty much make it as funny/harsh/sentimental as you like. It’s important to write it in a way that suits you and illustrates your personal principles. I wrote mine as “one of those letters you’d never send, in response to a Worst Case Scenario that thankfully hasn’t happened (at least, not all at once to me. After eleven years of reading people bitch on poly discussion groups, though, I’ve seen all of them happen at one time or another to someone else.)

Being newly single and have been around the lighthouse more than once in the stormy seas of Romance as that so elusive of creatures, the single, polyamorous Hot Bi Babe, I have come up with these Rules.

1. On a date, I wish to enjoy social company and have a good time. My only interest in dating is laughter, pleasant conversation, fun (for whatever value of “fun” upon which we mutually agree) and good will. If that’s what you want, we’ll have a delightful time when we meet.
2. I am not a therapist. If the date startes to feel like a therapy session, there won’t be any more.
3. I am not dating you to get a mentor. You like being The Wise One? Then be wise and don’t try it. If I decide that your advice on matters would be helpful, I’ll ask. Trust me, I’m an information junkie, and not shy about it. However, if you give me unsolicited advice on things outside your real, live areas of expertise, it makes you look like a damn’ fool, and yes, I am snickering at you behind that smile and comment of “You might have a point.”
4. For partnered dates: If I find out I am the first person either of you have dated outside the relationship, there will be no more dates. “Practice” polyamory on someone else. Yeah, yeah, I know it sounds like I’m rolling my eyes and saying “been there, done that”. Well, dammit, I have. Fire’s hot, and if you put your hand over a candle flame, it burns. Just sayin’.
5. If I am expected to make the couple a package deal, there will be no further dates. I deal with people on an individual basis only. If there is an individual attraction between your partner and me, we’ll work it out on our own. We’re mature adults. Your help is not needed. Honest. Even if we’re both “just women”.
6. If any single date is interrupted for an emergency, my warning system goes on. If a second emergency happens in less than 5 subsequent meetings, there will be no more dates. No, I don’t care if you’ve “had a run of bad luck”. (This rule will be suspended for the professional activities of on-call medical personnel, sysadmins and the like. I’m talking more about drama from home).
7. On the flip side, I don’t want to date people that don’t take previous commitments into account before making new ones. If you’ve got a sick child, and your partner is starting to get sick, call me to cancel and stay home. If you’ll blow off one person for new and shiny, you’ll blow me off for new and shiny down the road. (I generally expect that eventually I’ll be treated as you treat the “old” partner, and buddy, you’d better believe I’m watching carefully. I do not have the necessary vanity to think I am somehow “different” as I have never seen an exception to this rule).
8. No, I won’t collaborate on a book with you unless you’re hiring me outright, or are an established author with a specific project and pitch ready that you’ve discussed with your publisher or agent. If you have an “idea”, get out your butt glue and develop it. Trust me, you really don’t need me for this. (This one has happened to me. One would think I would not have to put this on the list, but I’ve had several guys think I’ll be impressed by “ideas” that seem to be Ian Flemming knock offs. The first time it happened, I was surprised. The second, dismayed. The third, depressed…)
9. I don’t do threesomes any more. You may ask. If you try to argue me out of my answer, there will be no more dates. In fact, attempts to tell me why I shouldn’t think/feel the way I do will result in me walking away laughing.
10. Just because I usually phrase it as “No, thank you” rather than merely “No” doesn’t mean that it’s not as serious. I have no qualms about punctuating it. I just prefer dignity first. If you do, too, we’re all good.
11. Grand Unification Theories about relationships do not interest me, and attempts to bring me into a social engineering projects will result in me walking, too. I’m enough of an amateur sociologist to know they can get really nasty. You will be assessed even more negatively if you’re “writing a book” about it, unless it’s your real, live professional field. I work in academia and I know what questions to ask, so trying to fake it will make you look like a jackass.
12. More than one panicked phone call after my early bedtime with severe emotional issues gets a hangup and there will be no more dates. I make really dumb decisions when I’m not sleeping enough and neither of us will like it. Trust me on this one.
13. I am not looking for another parent for my children. No, not even you. Make friends with them if you meet them and want to make friends. That’s fine. My kids have plenty of parents thankssomuch!
14. I am enjoying the freedom of being single. I’m not looking to move in with anyone. If my living arrangements change, it will be to a household where I am the sole adult. No, you’re not the exception. Not even if you’re a millionaire Tyr Anasazi look/sound-alike with a cunnilingus fetish who thinks reading aloud is one of Life’s Great Pleasures, is just pantingly eager to fund a poly activism organization, and has a thing for short, “ample” chicks with big blue eyes¹. I’m not kidding. I most certainly don’t want to move in with you, take care of your kids, contribute to the household budget, be a buffer between you and your spouse, and clean your house. (This is mostly for the blissfully rare jerks who want a “junior wife”).
15. Evil Ex stories=no more dates. I have exes, too. If everything had been blissful and wonderful, they wouldn’t *be* exes, now would they? You’re a self-deluding fool if you think your Evil Ex doesn’t have an opinion about you that’s just as unflattering. In the game of Romance, there are no innocents. We all know breakups suck and hurt a whole bunch. If you can’t own up and be a grownup about it to a virtual stranger, I don’t wanna know you. Vent to your intimates. If you don’t have any, I really don’t want to date you. If I actually become an intimate, I’ll listen to stories of your past, but by then I bloody well hope you’ve got some perspective on your past.
16. I understand if this seems too hardassed. Feel free to flee! If you’re still attracted, I’m already in love…(Well, no, but mightly impressed…)

Your rules will be different from mine, of course. We’re different people, and we have different buttons, issues and what have you. I’ve put my own out there² because I want to point out that thinking about such things are useful. It’s important to know where your lines are, why, and what you want.

It helps guard against what I shall name the “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie” syndrome. (If you’ve never read the book, do. It’s a children’s book, will take you three minutes, and it’s hilarious). If someone asks you for a little favor, you’ll do it, right? Well, who wouldn’t? We all like to be nice.³

If you haven’t outlined what you’re about, what you want, what you’re okay with and what you’re not, it’s entirely possible to find yourself having said “yes” to something, over time with little bits, concessions, favors and whatnot, to something you would never have said “yes” to if asked for all at once. You wake up to what you’ve said yes to over time, find yourself pissed, your partner is shocked that you’re so upset at such a little thing, and it can all blow up.

Think in advance.

Embrace the inner hardass and write yourself your personal rules.

¹But if you are, I’d like to meet you. For purely scientific purposes, of course!

² Ensuring that no-one is ever, ever going to want to date me after reading that. Please applaud my generosity and sacrfice to the poly community. I’ve ensured it will be my only solace, after all. <sniff> I do it all for you^*…

³ Yeah, I know, I call myself a misanthrope. Shaddup…

^*And we “Relationship Experts” (BWHAHAHAHAHA!) call this Emotional Blackmail. It’s supposed to be something to be wary of.