Comments on: Vetos

By: mono_mama

mono_mama — Tue, 03 Apr 2007 21:27:39 +0000

I have a veto over my husband’s relationships, for the simple reason that my husband is poly, but he’s also got a lot of growing up to do. He’s new to poly and he’s also new to committed relationships, so his judgment unfortunately isn’t very good yet. He felt he couldn’t work on commitment and social skills issues if his poly drive was being suppressed, so our relationship is open on his side. But his relationship skills are barely up to maintaining even one healthy relationship, so I have a veto. I use it when he wants to pursue people whose values clash badly with mine and who don’t respect boundaries, or people who represent a significant health risk (my husband thinks people who swing without condoms are fine; I don’t, especially because my husband often does not use condoms, either). I agree that if a relationship is truly mature and healthy, and the partners treat each other with love and respect, there should be no need for a veto. My husband is getting better at his relationship skills all the time. I think in a couple of years I won’t need a veto, and I’ll be happy about that - I would much rather just be able to trust his judgment. But until that day comes, I think it only makes sense to have one. It’s kind of like training wheels on a bicycle for us.

By: mythago

mythago — Mon, 26 Mar 2007 21:00:26 +0000

Excellent post.

To me, a veto is like owning a handgun.

Owning a handgun means that you have made a decision that, if need be, you are willing to use deadly force. It’s not merely a backup measure.

As someone already said, everybody really has a veto: If you do this, our relationship is over. To me, a veto is too tempting a way to shortcut communication. If you’re the veto-ee, you don’t have to listen to your partner so much because if you’re really acting like an addled moron, they’ll veto you; if you’re the veto-er, you don’t have to deal with unpleasant feelings, you just hit the “stop” button.

And I’ve seen far too many “poly” relationships where one secondary after another gets a veto until the veto-ee finally figures out that the veto is not a last safety measure, but emotional blackmail.

By: Goddess of Java

Goddess of Java — Fri, 23 Mar 2007 11:02:08 +0000

When someone is saying you can make your own decisions, no, that’s not a veto.

However, boundaries are IMPORTANT in a relationship and talking about wants and needs is also important.

By: violet_flames

violet_flames — Fri, 23 Mar 2007 01:13:50 +0000

What an interesting subtlely. This summer I had a situation that went round and round for a little while along the lines of him: “I’m really NOT comfortable with that” “You’re a grown woman though you can make your own decisions, but I’m REALLY not comfortable with that”. I suppose that wasn’t a veto, but in a lot of ways it felt like one at the time, because I knew potentially irreparable damage could ensue. In retrospect though it wasn’t a good situation, but not for the reasons he thought it was.

I always like reading what you have to say though, keep it up

By: Lil

Lil — Tue, 20 Mar 2007 01:15:21 +0000

I totally agree with what Rainy said also, btw. (BTDT. *sigh*)

By: Rainy

Rainy — Mon, 19 Mar 2007 23:16:55 +0000

I tend to agree and prefer not to use veto power in my relationships. If I object to someone strongly, I’ll talk about why and I’ll set up the boundaries I need to take care of myself and my kids but I won’t do an ultimatum or a veto.

I *have*, in the past, had to say something like, “If you sleep with X, I will be uncomfortable exposing myself to STD risk and you and I will not be intimate so long as your sexual involvement with her lasts. You will need to get an STD panel if we get reinvolved at some later date and I am seriously questioning your judgement here.” and did not feel that was unreasonable. The ultimate responsibility for my safety lies here, with me, and I take it very seriously. That’s about as close as a veto as I’ll get and if necessary I will terminate a relationship on my end so as to protect myself and my family, rather than give my partner an ultimatum once discussion and negotiation fail. Because that’s the point of boundaries, non?

“Here is my hard line. Do what you will, it’s fine, but here is the line that for me is uncrossable and if you must go beyond that line, then here is the result of that choice.”

By: Lil

Lil — Mon, 19 Mar 2007 19:40:16 +0000

My primary and I both came to the same conclusions on vetoes, back before we ever got involved romantically: NEEDING a veto means the relationship is doomed. A veto is an ultimatum, and an ultimatum is the (eventual, if not immediate) death of a relationship. When you say, “You can’t do X, it is unacceptable to me” — which is either a veto or an ultimatum, depending on your perspective — the unspoken subtext is, “And if you do, I’m leaving.” If someone feels so strongly about doing — or preventing their partner from doing — something, that they are willing to run roughshod over their partner to do it, clearly the relationship is doomed …or extremely dysfunctional if it does last!

In my experience, every time that I felt I needed a veto, the relationship was horribly broken. If my experience ever changes, I will reconsider my position on vetoes.

By: Angelique Bolling

Angelique Bolling — Mon, 19 Mar 2007 13:47:30 +0000

Thank you for the reminder about telling people to tell others you love them. I got very lucky, and spent the last 1/2 hour my dear husband was still aware, just being with him and letting him know I love him. He then had a massive stroke and died 4 days later. It’s important — I’m not sure I’d have survived knowing I hadn’t told him.

By: Cynthia Armistead

Cynthia Armistead — Mon, 19 Mar 2007 01:59:56 +0000

Wow - I got this reputation as a controlling bitch over a respectful discussion and agreement?
It was, in fact, a veto - a forbiddance. However respectfully negotiated, the only way to express the agreement we have with regard to such things without going in to laborious explanation is that Sam and I have veto rights over each others’ involvements with others.

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Mon, 19 Mar 2007 01:20:50 +0000

I can explain my need for a veto by referencing my previous marriage.

Wife: I love you, husband, and will remain with you for the rest of our lives.
Husband: I love you, wife, and will remain with you for the rest of our lives. You don’t need a veto.
New woman: Your wife hates me and treats me like dirt (not true).
Husband: I love you, new woman, and I want you to marry me. I will make a lifetime commitment with you without asking my wife. In fact: Wife, get thee gone.
New woman: I don’t want you, man.
Husband: Will you marry me, new woman?
New woman: No.
Husband: *shoots self in the head, dies*

Nowadays I have a veto so that if someone tries to break up my new marriage, I can say no.