The Polyamorous Misanthrope

Poly people out there, do you have your legal ducks in a row?

Most of these things are legal documents that anyone, poly or not, should have in order. Thing is, because polyamorous situations can muddy legal waters, it’s important to have your wishes clear. Not all of the documents will apply to all poly situations, but many are important.

• Who should be contacted in case of an emergency? Is this written down anywhere? (I actually have a “drop dead” file that I made when I went in for surgery once. Everything that people will need to take care of stuff if I drop dead is in that file — legal and routine).
• Who do you want to allow to visit you in the hospital? You can have this information on file with your primary care physician as well as your local hospital.
• Do you have a living will?
• Do you want anyone to have medical power of attorney? If so, do you have the paperwork on file for this?
• What about a “real” will? Even if you don’t own significant property, you’ve seen fights over who gets Grandma’s pearls, or a silver teapot. Don’t do this to the people you love.
• If you do own significant property where probate would disrupt people’s lives, you might want to consider a living trust.
• If you have kids, do you have guardianship documents? Poly situations can get sticky. You’re going to want child care authorizations for anyone who you want looking after your child on a regular basis. You want to make sure your will clearly establishes your guardianship wishes if something happens while the kids are still young (You really really don’t want to leave this to the whims of the courts!) If you have any children with whom you have no legal relationship but to whom you have assumed a responsibility, I strongly suggest either a life insurance policy with that child as a beneficiary (they’re not that expensive) or a joint bank account that you contribute to regularly with the child having rights of survivorship.

This is not a comprehensive list, but is meant to get you to thinking: Are there situations as a poly person that might be outside the box where you will have to deal with a bureaucracy? If so, there are usually ways to make sure that you get what you want for you and your loves, but you do need to make a special effort to make sure any necessary paperwork is on file.

Remember, polyamory is about love. Make sure you’re thinking about the people you love here.

Greetings Misanthrope,

I have a difficult problem and I am not sure how to go about dealing with it. I live in a quad arrangement with my husband and another couple but I do not have a sexual relationship with the other husband. We are basically roommates. I do have a sexual relationship with the other wife. I thought that a little background was needed but the problem is I hate the other husbands behavior with “our” wife. He does things that I find demeaning and disrespectful, such as groping her relentlessly if he decides he’s horny, even if I am in the room and the wife and I are having a discussion. This is after she has asked him to repeatedly stop. His other offensive behaviors are of the same type. If she doesn’t stop and pay attention to him when he wants it he pouts, gropes her or finds some other way of trying to get her attention.

This behavior is driving me crazy. My question is what do I do, if a person treated my daughter or husband this way I would not hesitate to tell them to “get the hell off of them”. In this situation I am not sure how to handle it. The Wife does not stick up for herself in any way she is so passive with men it hurts me. I would love any insight you have to offer.

I suppose the quick and easy thing to say is that you’re not responsible for protecting someone else’s boundaries. *grin* Feel free to click on “boundaries” in this site and point your wife in the direction of those posts. Good boundaries are really important to being happy in your life in general — poly or not.

It is natural to feel protective of the ones we love, certainly. The thing is, your wife is not a child under your protection, but a grown woman. If someone were treating your daughter this way, it would be one thing. It is your responsibility to protect your daughter from unwanted touching and to teach her how to do that for herself. Your husband is also an adult, and therefore responsible for his own boundaries.

This is not to say you cannot give backup to the people you love. My question would be, has your wife asked for it, or are you defending her without being asked? Learn from my bitter mistakes and don’t do that. Being protective without being asked might seem noble to you. It’s actually not very respectful because what you’re really saying is that the person isn’t a full, self-responsible adult. Grownups ask for the help they need.

This letter also brings up another point. How are boundaries respected in general in your household? Have the four of you discussed this and agreed upon what you consider acceptable behavior? Have you discussed what will happen if there is unacceptable behavior?

Assertive communication is a big help here. I strongly encourage you to check out the Boundaries article on this site, as well as checking out the links on assertive communication at the end of this article. Do remember that you cannot control the behavior of another person. You can ask for what you want. You can choose not to be around someone whose behavior is unacceptable to you, but you cannot make someone change behavior.

Assertive Communication Links:

• Assertive Communication at Mentalhelp.net – The thrust of this is more for anger management, but the ideas are still very sound.
• Assertive Communication Builds Relationships — I like this one, because it explains how to avoid weaseling and using “I statements” to beat someone over the head, which is passive-aggressive at its best/worst.
• Important issues with assertiveness and listening use in the real world — This site is a bit workplace oriented, but poly families, being larger, often play out similarly.

I’m also taking a serious leap, and offering a new service on the Polyamorous Misanthrope. I have an advice line through Keen.com for Polyamorous advice voice to voice (I may add a cam service later, as body language tends to be important with this kind of thing). Nothing else on this site will change. The column is and always will be free, and I’m certainly going to answer emails as before. But if you want a voice to voice advice session, it will be available for .99/minute.

Gather ye ’round little poly chilluns, ’cause Mama Java’s about to go off yet again. (I’m beginning to suspect peri-menopause…)

What the unholy fuck is up with you nutcases and “Spiritually Polyamorous” or “Platonically Polyamorous”?

What’s wrong with the good, old-fashioned word for it:

Friends

I mean, really people, what’s with the “special” words and terms? Are you afraid that’s not good enough for you? Why in hell would you want to insult the concept of friendship by saying that if you don’t use a special word for the relationship, then relationship is somehow diminished? I don’t know about you, but for me, friendship is pretty damned valuable. If I call you my friend, buddy, I value the relationship.

I have news for you guys. While I concede that polyamory is not all about sex or romance, sex and romance are most certainly part of it.

I have a friend. I think the world of this person — funny, smart, amazingly wise about the human condition. We’re both poly, but ya know what? We’re friends. Not “just friends” as if things are diminished. We’re friends — and that’s a valuable thing!

I think of there is no sex or romance involved, no, it’s not a poly relationship. It might be important. You might treasure it. And you know what, treasuring your relationships, sexual or not is good. Loving someone is never a bad thing to do! You don’t need a special word to make it “more important”. Friends is good. Honest. Even when you’re really, really close.

I have a strong dislike of the contortions to try to make it seem like we’re “not bad” in the eyes of the monogamous because “it isn’t ABOUT sex”.

NO relationship is ever about just one thing. Any monogamously married person with a successful relationship would agree that his marriage is not ABOUT sex. The thing is, it’s not about “not sex”, either. There is that component.

I have friends that I love very much. We use the phrase “I love you” to each other and by God we mean it. But there’s no romantic component. These aren’t people I would kiss or “go further” with. But love. Yes. Deeply. These are people I know down into their bones, know their foibles and faults, as well as their triumphs and strengths and I love them. I just love them. No big deal. Nothing dramatic.

I’m not weird or unusual in this. I’m hardly some specially-evolved loving being. These are things that any healthy adult experiences. It’s… it’s so normal.

It’s why things like “emotionally poly” or “platonically poly” really frustrate me. What the hell has happened to the very simple, natural human concept of “love” that we need to tie it in to a movement that by god did have its genesis in multiple loving sexual partners? Has our view of something so natural and human gotten that whacked that we need something special and dramatic when we love our friends? To me, it smacks of needing to be a special little snowflake ¹. You’re not. Honest. There’s very little in love and romance that’s not part of the human condition –really.

But, it’s a good part of the human condition. Celebrate it, sure.

Just cut it with the dramatic language to make it something it ain’t, ‘kay?

¹ I’d attribute that expression if I could. I’ve seen it running around in a few places and I really love it!

If I see one more person act like being poly is a journey of self-discovery (as if that’s what makes poly valuable) I may vomit — Or at least make myself a stiff martini as anesthesia.

That martini becomes a double if it sneers at monogamous people for not doing it. No, better yet, go find a monastery, any religion you choose, and tell them that because they’re not poly no-one there is on a journey of self discovery. Though, monks and nuns, generally being more spiritual and evolved than I am, would probably just smile and say, “Is that so?” and go back to adding to the calluses and meditating on other things.

If life isn’t a journey of discovery for you, you’re missing the point, I don’t give a damn what you’re doing with the slippery bits.

Polyamory is not better than monogamy. It’s just different. It’s a taste, and it’s a taste that in a sane would would be no more significant than a preference for Coke or Pepsi. Poly people aren’t better or stronger or nicer or more loving.

We’re just people, for heaven’s sake.