Comments on: I IZ IN UR EMAIL ANSWERING UR QUESTIONZ http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/05/20/a-question/ Wielding the Stick of Grandmotherly Kindness Thu, 28 Aug 2008 03:53:16 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.1 By: Cynthia Armistead http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/05/20/a-question/#comment-134 Cynthia Armistead Thu, 24 May 2007 00:41:41 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/?p=55#comment-134 <blockquote>My question would be, has your wife asked for it, or are you defending her without being asked? Learn from my bitter mistakes and <i>don’t do that.</i></blockquote> Ai-yi-yi! Been there and done that :-( While the other woman did appreciate the protection, I was unthinkingly reinforcing lifelong messages that said she wasn't capable for standing up for herself. It made her husband angrier, too (he had major anger issues, which was why I felt a need to protect her) and I think it made things between them worse when he was alone with her. Their marriage long predated our quad, and the patterns were fairly set. I would suggest that you speak with your wife, Kris, and ask her how she feels about his behavior. I would suspect that he is feeling resentful of the time and attention that she is giving to you and the other husband. He may be feeling shorted, or that he's "owed" something more as her "real" husband. Good luck!

My question would be, has your wife asked for it, or are you defending her without being asked? Learn from my bitter mistakes and don’t do that.

Ai-yi-yi! Been there and done that :-( While the other woman did appreciate the protection, I was unthinkingly reinforcing lifelong messages that said she wasn’t capable for standing up for herself. It made her husband angrier, too (he had major anger issues, which was why I felt a need to protect her) and I think it made things between them worse when he was alone with her. Their marriage long predated our quad, and the patterns were fairly set.

I would suggest that you speak with your wife, Kris, and ask her how she feels about his behavior. I would suspect that he is feeling resentful of the time and attention that she is giving to you and the other husband. He may be feeling shorted, or that he’s “owed” something more as her “real” husband.

Good luck!

]]> By: Kris http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/05/20/a-question/#comment-135 Kris Tue, 22 May 2007 20:47:19 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/?p=55#comment-135 Thank you for answering my question. I think you are right on the money. I have decided to leave the room when this happens, I may not have the right to stop it but I do have the right to not tolerate it in my presence. Thank you for answering my question. I think you are right on the money. I have decided to leave the room when this happens, I may not have the right to stop it but I do have the right to not tolerate it in my presence.

]]> By: catrinaz http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/05/20/a-question/#comment-133 catrinaz Sun, 20 May 2007 15:42:10 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/?p=55#comment-133 thanks for this, noel. i had an experience this week that reminded me that being protective without the person's consent is counterproductive and disrespectful. one of my partners is bipolar (and unmedicated) and he disappeared for a couple of days during a pretty low point. i got worried and asked everybody we knew if they had seen him, walked to his house every few hours, and just generally panicked. and he was fine - some friends had happened by and given him a ride into the city to hang out for a couple of days. this is totally something he would do when he's level - split with friends for a few days and not check his phone messages for a day or two. when he's level i don't even think twice about this behavior. the result? he's kind of frustrated with me for putting all his friends on alert and freaking everybody out and generally violating his privacy. ::shakes head:: lessons to learn. thanks for this, noel. i had an experience this week that reminded me that being protective without the person’s consent is counterproductive and disrespectful. one of my partners is bipolar (and unmedicated) and he disappeared for a couple of days during a pretty low point. i got worried and asked everybody we knew if they had seen him, walked to his house every few hours, and just generally panicked. and he was fine - some friends had happened by and given him a ride into the city to hang out for a couple of days. this is totally something he would do when he’s level - split with friends for a few days and not check his phone messages for a day or two. when he’s level i don’t even think twice about this behavior. the result? he’s kind of frustrated with me for putting all his friends on alert and freaking everybody out and generally violating his privacy. ::shakes head:: lessons to learn.

]]> By: Dave Lewis http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/05/20/a-question/#comment-132 Dave Lewis Sun, 20 May 2007 13:38:33 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/?p=55#comment-132 Best wishes on the new business! Best wishes on the new business!

]]> By: Jordan http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/05/20/a-question/#comment-131 Jordan Sun, 20 May 2007 13:08:44 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/?p=55#comment-131 The advice and the advice line. Love em both. The advice and the advice line. Love em both.

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