The Polyamorous Misanthrope

Mama Java’s been ranting about asking for what you want and explaining why it’s important to do so lately.

Yeah, yeah, that’s all cool and groovy and evolved and shit.

What if you don’t know what you want?

Valid concern. People don’t know what they want sometimes. Or sometimes they realize what they thought they wanted was the trappings when the substance turned out to be quite different. You want sand in the gears of a relationship? This is it.

Sometimes when you are not clear on what you want, it is because you have a core value that is so deep that being conscious of it would be tantamount to a fish being conscious of water, or a toddler concentrating on the fact that he walks through air.

I got bit by this one, and it caused a lot of pain to myself and the people around me. I formed relationships that could not possibly be in harmony with this value, and worse, when I started to be conscious of it, rather like that fish having the water removed, I tried to breathe air because I “should”.

Anyone surprised to learn that it didn’t work for me? <wrygrin>

Learn from my dumb mistake and be clear and conscious of these values.

“Great!” I hear you say. “Sure, that’s wonderful! Since it took you thirty-odd years to figure it out, you’re just gonna smugly say I oughta find out without telling me how?”

I wish I could say that there is some technique or method to his. Well, there isn’t.

You see, you already know it. Right now, deep in your soul, you do know it. The problem is that you don’t want to admit it.

It’s not “cool”. What you want isn’t “evolved”. What you want isn’t part of your present life situation.

You may want monogamy, deep in your soul. Ask for it.
It may be that you’re in a polyfi situation where your heart and guts and mind scream for no rules other than the self-imposed ones. Say what is it is that causes your soul to resonate.

It’s hard to admit it, and it’s even harder to ask for it, because that sort of thing isn’t popular.

Ask for it, anyway.

I’m not blowing smoke here, or blowing sunshine up your ass. I’m here to tell you that it is a risk, and a big one. You will be rejected for it from time time, you really will. It hurts and it sucks, but do it anyway. You’ll cry and hate the rejection. It hurts. No-one likes it.

Do it, anyway. I promise you that there are people in the world in harmony with you — you personally.

And that harmony is worth it.

I used the expression in my Vetos article about the Emotional Bank Account, and would like to explore the concept a little more in depth.

The Emotional Bank Account is the level of trust you and your partner(s) have between each other. The higher the balance in the emotional bank account, the greater slack you’re willing to give (and the greater slack you’ll get, too). Think about the throes of NRE. You’re giddy. You’re excited. You’re getting a lot of emotional positives. In this stage, you tend to give a lot of slack because you’re getting a lot of positive.

Now, even though I am using something of a bookkeeping term here, I discourage actual mental accounting in relationships — i.e. “You went to six parties in the last six weeks and left me home with the kids, so now I’m owed a weekend trip to make up for it.” While yes, a good relationship might seem to have a transactional quality to it, closer examination would show that it’s more about both parties enjoying opportunities to give and allowing their partners the pleasure of giving than being minutely focused on making sure the books stay “even”.¹

So, what can you do to keep that emotional bank account balance high?

Obviously make more deposits than withdrawals. Thing is, this is subtle. Anyone who talks about the emotional bank account is quick to point out that the other person has to see what you do as a deposit. A partner who arranged for me to have a manicure, pedicure, massage and time alone with a word processor and an appletini would be making a big ole whopping deposit. Does sound like Heaven to you? Bet that at least 60% of my readers wouldn’t think so.

This means you have to know your partner, and know her down into her bones. This takes a lot of time and deep attention. If you do this right, you’re going to spend years and years in the learning process. (And that kind of commitment is often a big deposit in and of itself). There’s the big and obvious stuff — allergies, likes, dislikes, what kind of childhood he had. Then there’s the subtle stuff — the impact of one’s childhood, one’s really tender spots, the way tastes might change according to mood.

Another way you can help make deposits in the emotional bank account is to know yourself well enough to be able to give accurate information in the process. Ferinstance, I’m an introvert, right? Alone time! Wheeee!!!! But if I don’t tell a partner that I feel bad when I’m left out, I might not get invited to an event because a partner wants to be kind and offer me alone time. He couldn’t make something that I would percieve as a deposit because he didn’t have all the information!

I suppose I’m being a little obvious in also pointing out that being understanding and trying to assume benevolence on the parts of your partners is probably a good way to start. Not trying to say that motives are always benevolent. Humans are humans and yeah, sometimes we can be nasty critters. But if you’re getting to that point, sometimes the bank account is so withdrawn there’s really no point in continuing the relationship. It happens, and it’s sad. Best thing to do then is walk away and let it go.

But in a solid relationship, the partners will all be looking for ways to keep that balance in the emotional bank account high. Sometimes it can be from very frank conversation about what you’re doing.  Letting someone know you’re very invested in keeping the relationship solid (and then following through with it as best you can) can have an enormous net effect.

¹Interestingly enough, this is also being encouraged as a business model. Check out Never Eat Alone sometime. If the business success is going to the people that are better at relationships, we poly people have even more incentive to have our heads screwed on straight!

Quick quiz:

When I ask for something I ask for

1. What I think I should want.
2. What I think I can get that is closest to what I want.
3. What I want.

I chose what I should want.

Okay, sure, lots of people have done this. It’s not an unusual option when you feel guilty about what you want, or if you haven’t taken the time to explore what you do want. If you’re at this stage, it’s better not to come to the negotiating table until you do know. “I am not entirely sure what I want and need to think” is perfectly acceptable.

If you’re feeling guilty about what you do want, it might be productive to explore why this is so! But choosing to ask for what you think you should want is not being truthful. This is not conducive to a good relationship. Get centered in what you want first. Also, asking for what you should want, especially when you get a “yes” means you’re gonna get what you don’t want. Even though it’s not the other person’s fault, you might find yourself resentful at some subconscious level for not getting what you want. Do you really want to put someone you love through that? ‘Course not!

I chose to ask for what I think will get a “yes”

The flaw in this is that you’re not clearly communicating. It’s also rather subtle form of lying, because you’re not actually saying what it is you do want and are manipulating a bit.

This can come from several emotional places, but one of the more common ones is a fear of rejection. Are you afraid of rejection? If so, welcome to the club. Hell of a thing in a writer, innit? Remember that in a good relationship not all “no”s are dealbreakers. As Wayne Dyer once commented, “If you can say no in a relationship, you do not have to say no to the relationship. ”

I ask for what I want

If you do this, you’re giving the other person you’re dealing with the appropriate information. If you’re dealing with a romantic partner, you’re on the same side, right? You want your partner to have her needs fulfilled. Your partner feels the same way. If this is not the case, then you’ve got issues outside the scope of this particular article, but I assure you that asking for what you want is still the best way to go. It’s unlikely you really want relationships where none of your needs are being met, after all!

Now, have I ever been guilty of options A or B in my relationships? Oh, sweet baby Jesus, yes! To say that it did not work for me is a dramatic understatement. Part of it was an uberwant that was unvoiced, and therefore unfulfilled. I wanted some peace and quiet with a strong adjective in front of it! If you’re wanting something with a heavy emotive force, it’s something worthwhile to pay attention to, and <gasp> maybe even ask for.

Most of this advice is working from the presumption that yes, you’ve a loving relationship here. When there isn’t an emotional investment in everyone having their needs and a lot of wants met, you’re going to find that this method is going to mercilessly expose some unpleasant stuff.

Me? I think that’s good in the long run. Inauthentic relationships aren’t worth having, they’re really not. “Alone” is an order of magnitude better than “bad relationship”! Keep that in mind when you’re asking for what you want, because the only way to get good relationships is to be real about what you do want.

As is often the case, I had my cranky pants on during an Internet discussion and started ranting about how fringe groups often like to get self-congratulatory about what better people they are. This ain’t a polyamorous phenomenon, mind. As far as I can tell, it’s part of the Human Experience.

It does drive me up a freakin’ wall, however, and I boggled in my personal blog about why this should be so. It must serve a need or people wouldn’t do it.

I got this back from the author of What Psychology Professionals Should Know About Polyamory: (And check that out, it’s good!)

…fringe isn’t better, it’s simply equal. But, since there often isn’t equality, people look for the added security of bolstered pride. Poly is no better than mono; it’s worth fighting for equal rights for, but not because it’s better – just because it’s ok, and should be seen as ok.

I loved this.

Oh yeah, sure, be a credit to your kink and all. That’s great. Go for it and be a good person if that’s your heart’s desire. I don’t go back on that, and yes, the more poly people who have their shit together, the better.

But poly isn’t better. It’s okay – just like monogamy is okay.

There’s often a compensation syndrome going on, and I do understand that. When OLQ¹ was together, I can recall all four of us discussing the pressure we felt to be Very Good Parents because of our lifestyle. Not that we’re not motivated to try to be as good parents as we can for our kids’ sake, but we did feel a lot of pressure from the outside to keep from being judged. We were concerned that screwups would be attributed to the lifestyle, rather than the fact that we’re bloody human.

You get it with other things, too. There’s a tendency to blame every damn’ thing that goes wrong on lifestyle. Sometimes… Well, sometimes your relationships do suck and you need to get your head out of your ass.

Sometimes… Well, sometimes it’s Just Life.

I do look forward to the day when fringe groups in general are judged by the same standards are the rest of the world. The internal motivation to be a credit to your kink, or be the best person you can be is great. The thing is, it’s that external pressure to be more together/a better parent/more loving/whatever isn’t really productive, nor does it promote honest equality.

¹Our Little Quad. I used to live in a group marriage and that’s how we referred to ourselves on the internet. Be careful how you name yourself, ’cause that shit can stick ;)