What Do I Want?

Mama Java’s been ranting about asking for what you want and explaining why it’s important to do so lately.

Yeah, yeah, that’s all cool and groovy and evolved and shit.

What if you don’t know what you want?

Valid concern. People don’t know what they want sometimes. Or sometimes they realize what they thought they wanted was the trappings when the substance turned out to be quite different. You want sand in the gears of a relationship? This is it.

Sometimes when you are not clear on what you want, it is because you have a core value that is so deep that being conscious of it would be tantamount to a fish being conscious of water, or a toddler concentrating on the fact that he walks through air.

I got bit by this one, and it caused a lot of pain to myself and the people around me. I formed relationships that could not possibly be in harmony with this value, and worse, when I started to be conscious of it, rather like that fish having the water removed, I tried to breathe air because I “should”.

Anyone surprised to learn that it didn’t work for me? <wrygrin>

Learn from my dumb mistake and be clear and conscious of these values.

“Great!” I hear you say. “Sure, that’s wonderful! Since it took you thirty-odd years to figure it out, you’re just gonna smugly say I oughta find out without telling me how?”

I wish I could say that there is some technique or method to this. Well, there isn’t.

You see, you already know it. Right now, deep in your soul, you do know it. The problem is that you don’t want to admit it.

It’s not “cool”. What you want isn’t “evolved”. What you want isn’t part of your present life situation.

You may want monogamy, deep in your soul. Ask for it.
It may be that you’re in a polyfi situation where your heart and guts and mind scream for no rules other than the self-imposed ones. Say what is it is that causes your soul to resonate.

It’s hard to admit it, and it’s even harder to ask for it, because that sort of thing isn’t popular.

Ask for it, anyway.

I’m not blowing smoke here, or blowing sunshine up your ass. I’m here to tell you that it is a risk, and a big one. You will be rejected for it from time time, you really will. It hurts and it sucks, but do it anyway. You’ll cry and hate the rejection. It hurts. No-one likes it.

Do it, anyway. I promise you that there are people in the world in harmony with you — you personally.

And that harmony is worth it.

4 thoughts on “What Do I Want?

  1. Fernmonkey

    The song Dry Your Eyes has a perfect example of that. The lyric “Please let me show you where we could only just be, for us, I can change and I can grow or we could adjust, the wicked thing about us is we always have trust, we can even have an open relationship, if you must“. People desperately trying to do things that aren’t right for them, or not do things that are, out of fear of losing the relationship.

    1. Pradhan

      Of course, the same sort of agmerunt could have been made 40 years ago when interracial marriages were legalized and there was no cohesive group lobbying for gay marriage.Yup. And that agmerunt would have been correct. Interracial marriage should have been judged on its own merits; an agmerunt that we shouldn’t have interracial marriage, because it will lead to same-sex marriage would have been mistaken. SSM comes from a strong movement supporting equal rights for same-sex couples, and widespread support for gay rights; it has not come merely from the Loving prescident.Saying that SSM will not lead to polygamy is not a moral judgement about polygamy; it’s a correct statement about the separateness of the two issues. Regardless of what happens with SSM, polygamy will rise or fail to rise on its own ability to find popular support. Therefore, the claim that we can’t have SSM unless we favor polygamy is mistkaen.


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