The Polyamorous Misanthrope

Keeping track of household chores a point of contention with you and your love(s)?

Are you even slightly a geek?

Do you have a sense of humor?

Have I got something fun for you!

Chore Wars. It’s a very customizable program by which you and your household can have a D&D style adventure revolving around… housework!

It’s very simple. You just set up an adventure party, and create adventures (chores) for members to claim. You get to choose how many XP (experience points, for you non-gamers) each chore will receive. The recommendation is that the XP should be roughly equivalent to the minutes it takes to complete a chore. You also set up other factors involved in the chore. Ferinstance, stacking wood would be something requiring a lot of strength and endurance, but negotiating a car loan would require a lot of intelligence, wisdom and charisma. As you gain experience points, your character grows and changes according to what adventures you complete and what characteristics these adventure requires.

Each adventure is quite scaleable. Let’s say you give the vacuuming, which has a full XP score of 10, a lick and a promise. You can claim half that. You also have the option of outlining exactly what’s require to claim the full XP on a certain chore. (My household doesn’t bother).

Completely geektastic.

My own household does use this system and we enjoy it a great deal. While there never were fights about housework, it’s a gentle motivation to keep on top of chores in a fun way. Chorewars did not exist during OLQ’s heyday, but if it did, we would have used it. In fact, the chore chart we did use was a gentle way to show who was doing what over a period of time and did tend to keep people motivated to pull their own weight. But I think, being gamers, we would have enjoyed Chore Wars a lot more!

This week’s column is by guest writer Rainy Hannah

A few years ago, while in the throes of a very bad breakup, I stopped participating in the larger polyamorous community. I unsubscribed from everything and spent the next year and a half on sabbatical from the poly community at large. I needed time to think about things and make some decisions about what living a poly life looked like for me.

I’ve recently started dipping my toes back into the community pool and I see a trend over and over that really bothers me. I don’t think it’s restricted to new poly folks either, because I see it coming from people who have been in this community for a long time. I think they ought to know better.

We’ve all seen the scenario where partner A tries to fill up all his or her empty with a new shiny toy (or toys) while partner B stays home, neglected, and hopes that their empty will get attended to eventually by A. Maybe Partner B posts to a lot of poly communities online and we try to counsel them through the process, while secretly wanting to take a baseball bat to Partner A. We’ve all seen the scenario where someone bulldozes over all of the objections, concerns, and fears of their “old” partners in their rush to get to the new. How about the folks who end up with eight secondaries and one primary, and then can’t seem to take care of anybody’s needs?

I’ve been Partner A, just for the record, so I get to go there. I used to have a summer home there. Eventually, I wised up and moved on and began to treat my partners with the respect that they deserved, but not before it ruined some relationships I regret, bitterly, to this day. I don’t have anything to say to Partner A today. Frankly, I think Partner A needs a swift kick in the ass, but that’s not my job. I want to talk to Partner B. And C, D, E, F, G, H…. you get the idea.

Tell me if this sounds familiar to you.

“I am a brave little toaster and will soldier on through the mistreatment and drama that my partner(s) dish out, because of Love. I love them and know that someday, if I am Very Good, I will get my reward and things will be happy.”

Yes, and one day, monkeys might fly out of my butt.

Anything resonating there for you? I know it does for me. I have also been there, done that, from the perspective of Partner B. In light of this well-rounded experience, I feel I am uniquely qualified to cry bullshit on the whole idea. I think we ought to rephrase things.

“If my partner consistently treats me with anything less than a level of respect, consideration and love that works for us both, if he/she does not keep the agreements we have made (both the letter and the spirit), and if they are not willing to engage in an ongoing effort to keep things that way, I will kick his/her ass to the fucking curb. I am not a doormat.”

That sounds a lot better to me.

Here is the truth. There is no eventual Reward on the other side of all the drama and pain. You do not wake up one day happy because you were A Very Good Girl and someone finally anted up with the cookies you earned with your patience, love and self-sacrifice. All you will get is an empty plate.

The reward is NOW.

Live happy now.

Demand respect, now.

DO it NOW.

Chaos is not fun. It is also not love. Don’t be a doormat. Someone who knowingly, unrepentantly inflicts chaos on a life you are trying to build together, who walks on your feelings, who neglects you, who does not give your concerns, fears and needs equal time and weight is not acting with love. It is not okay. Why are you letting them? Because here is the part where it gets really difficult. It is your choice to stick around for that. It is your choice to be trod upon, to live in chaos, and to live with your truth unheard. You are the only person forcing yourself to live with that.

We have places of choice in our lives. Places where we come to a corner or to the end of our rope, places where we are alone in our hearts with the unvarnished truth. Those places hurt and are filled with fear and uncertainty. So often we choose the familiar, even though it is dysfunctional or pain-filled. It is what we know, after all. The point I am trying to make right here is that, every time you sit down and think about how unhappy you are, about how much you wish things would change - you are at a place where you can choose. You are, in fact, making a choice.

Partner B, I am begging you to do something. I am begging you to sit down with Partner A and demand that they make some changes. If you can’t do that or they won’t, then I am begging you to leave. You deserve so much more than this but you will only get it if you stand up and take it. Right now you have the short end of the stick, but only you can grab the big end. Only you can stand up and say, “NO. You may not treat me this way. This is not love, I am not happy, and it is not okay.”

Please try to refrain from beating Partner A with the big stick once you grab it. They probably won’t get the point. It’ll just create more drama for everyone in your community. They’ve got their own process and you can’t fix it. Let them continue the Quest For Shiny if they must. They will get it, or not, in their own time. It is a problem Not Yours.

Don’t be a Brave Little Toaster. Go on out, grab the reward that was inside you all along, get your cookies and live happy.

Do it now.

The Brave Little Toaster © 2007, Rain Hannah

Used by permission

Rainy Hannah is a polyamorous woman living in Southern California with way too much yarn, too many cats, a couple of kids, and a Very Good Dog. She has been there, done that.

Okay, great!

You’re poly! You’re cutting edge with the open lifestyle of the future. You have pictures of your loves in your cubicle and you wave that poly flag every chance you get.

Then you get a pink slip.

Was it your lifestyle? Not to put too fine a point on it, can they legally do that?

The answer, as always, is “It depends”.¹ If you’re employed “at will”, an employer does not have to show cause to fire you. This means, that yeppers, you can be fired for being openly poly, it’s just that they won’t say that’s why. Find out if you’re an at will employee (if you work in the US, chances are good you are). Proof of discrimination becomes problematic here.

Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 makes discrimination on the basis of religion, sex, race, color, or national origin illegal. I will point out that fundamentalist Mormons have been notoriously unlucky in attempting to use religion as a defense for plural marriage choices, so this is hardly iron-clad. But, do read the text of the Act carefully. It really doesn’t deal with who you’re forming relationships with!

I keep repeating that poly people really need to know their local laws. It’s important. It’s amazing what you can get tripped up on through ignorance. Beware of wishful thinking in this. If it’s something with genuinely high stakes, pony up the money and talk to a local lawyer.

Seventeen states do have laws protecting employment based on sexual orientation. You can click on the link to find out what the laws are in your state. I’ve yet to find any legal precedence saying that polyamory is considered a sexual orientation, however. Legally, it’s a dark gray area. I say dark because there are states² that do have laws against adultery. If you’re married and actively poly, you might very well be breaking the law in your area.³

I’m not trying to scare anyone here, nor am I trying to be gloom and doom. I just want people to know their local laws before they decide whether or not to be “out”. I choose to be, and genuinely think it’s safer in the long run.

I just don’t want to choose for you.

¹I am not a lawyer. For more detailed information it is important to consult a lawyer in your jurisdiction!

²And other legal jurisdictions like the US Military

³And legally, it’s adultery whether or not your spouse is consenting. It’s that extra-martial sex is happening at all, not how your spouse feels about it!

Be yourself. It’s a dirty job, but somebody’s gotta do it!

– attributed all over the damn’ place.

I’ve been watching some of the debates about the merits of potential candidates for the Presidency of the United States with considerably less enthusiasm than usual. (Not that it was ever all that damn’ high. I’m a Bear of Very Little Brain and politics Bothers me).

The name of the game in politics is “Pick me! Pick me!” This will mean that a politician might have Views, but she is going to temper her Views to make sure that the electorate will say “yes” to her come election day.

Believe it or not, poly chilluns, politicians are people. (Stay with me and try to breathe through it. I know this is a shock). This means that if a politician does something, it’s in the Range of Human Experience.

The mating dance is another one of those “Pick Me!” situations. It is a natural human urge to want to be selected by the mate of your own choice. That’s okay. The problem comes when you are fuzzy on what you will do to fulfill that want. (I’m going to pay all of you the compliment of assuming you’re ethical here. If you’re not, go away and stop reading. NOW! I don’t want to be bothered with you).

I consider this something of a “spectrum” issue. Are there things I’m willing to change if a prospective partner wants it? Sure. If someone has a thing for women wearing their hair in a bun, I’ll put my flowing locks up. Won’t cut my hair short because I’m vain about my hair and that’s important to me.

And that’s very illustrative of the point.

There’s nothing wrong with doing the occasional little thing to be accommodating. However, at some point, it’s best to decide what’s core to you. Then don’t compromise on those things.

I know, it sounds crazy. Relationships are all about compromise, aren’t they?

I don’t think so. I think relationships are about being mutually beneficial. Of course you’re going to compromise some things, even important things. That’s okay.

When it becomes Not Okay is when you aren’t true to what’s a fundamental value to you. This can be a very individual thing. To use myself as an example (and stop groaning!), uninterrupted time to write is a biggie for me. It’s huge. Not getting it? Dealbreaker. No relationship where I don’t have my “space” (and it doesn’t have to be physical) to work can possibly go on happily. It’s too core. Time alone to work on stuff might not be a huge deal to someone else.

But something that is core to some people and not to me is… oh vegetarianism. I’d be willing to go (mostly) vegetarian if a partner hard time with the smell of cooking meat in the house. I couldn’t care less one way or the other.¹ It would be no big deal not to cook a steak in the house to me.

I italicize those last two words because it is such an individual thing, and it’s really important to know what’s a core issue to you and why. Otherwise, you’re going to have a terrible time choosing a partner wisely.

What’s important to you?

• Lots of time alone to work on your projects?
• Lots of time with your partner?
• Plenty of animated discussion?
• A quiet, calm atmosphere?
• A partner who discloses without being asked?
• A partner that likes to be asked questions?
• Kids?
• Being childfree?
• Lots of family time?
• Plenty of autonomy?
• Lots of shared interests
• Harmony of political views?

Of course, as always, these lists are samples. You can think of at least fifty more or you’re not trying. Here’s the key — all of these things will ultimately boil down to a few specific and rather related concepts. You can use these as principles to guide who you choose for a partner.

But make sure that you’re putting out there who you are, what you’re about and what your core values are. You don’t want someone picking you on false premises.

Put who and what you are out there. Saves time, saves heartache.

And don’t sweat it. The only relationships worth having are the good ones — the ones in harmony with your core values.

¹Though trying to tell me I couldn’t eat meat when they’re not around could get close to a core issue real flipping fast.