Comments on: Election Day http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/05/election-day/ Wielding the Stick of Grandmotherly Kindness Thu, 28 Aug 2008 03:56:02 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.1 By: Ashbet http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/05/election-day/#comment-280 Ashbet Tue, 07 Aug 2007 02:04:14 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/05/election-day/#comment-280 Welllll . . . core values can change over time. For example, at the time that K and I started dating, he was pretty committed to being childfree, and since I already *had* a child, that wasn't happening -- so I decided that he could be in my life as a long-distance partner, but not as a live-in partner. Over the next three years, he got to know *my* child, decided that he actually didn't have a problem living with us, and eventually really *wanted* to move in, and is now a stepdad. (I had no problem with him being a non-parental figure, since Kira has a perfectly good father of her own -- this evolved of his own volition.) It's now been seven years and things are going pretty darned well :> Sometimes, hard-line core values are theoretical -- the *idea* of something is far more scary or negative than the actuality that life may present you with. However, aside from this one point, I agree with you wholeheartedly -- don't try to change yourself in major ways to fit a partner's needs or desires, because eventually you'll drift back to your own core values, often to their shock and dismay! Welllll . . . core values can change over time. For example, at the time that K and I started dating, he was pretty committed to being childfree, and since I already *had* a child, that wasn’t happening — so I decided that he could be in my life as a long-distance partner, but not as a live-in partner.

Over the next three years, he got to know *my* child, decided that he actually didn’t have a problem living with us, and eventually really *wanted* to move in, and is now a stepdad. (I had no problem with him being a non-parental figure, since Kira has a perfectly good father of her own — this evolved of his own volition.) It’s now been seven years and things are going pretty darned well :>

Sometimes, hard-line core values are theoretical — the *idea* of something is far more scary or negative than the actuality that life may present you with.

However, aside from this one point, I agree with you wholeheartedly — don’t try to change yourself in major ways to fit a partner’s needs or desires, because eventually you’ll drift back to your own core values, often to their shock and dismay!

]]> By: Goddess of Java http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/05/election-day/#comment-279 Goddess of Java Tue, 07 Aug 2007 01:26:24 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/05/election-day/#comment-279 I did italicize them, as a matter of fact. For some reason the WordPress theme I use translates italics to bold. Gawd knows why. I'm not so sure people really do change all that much at the level I'm talking about. They can be untrue to themselves, sure. Who hasn't done that? *wrygrin* As much as it pains me to agree with the old bat, I'm gonna have to hold with my Great-Aunt Reetzie. "People don't change. They just become more so." I did italicize them, as a matter of fact. For some reason the WordPress theme I use translates italics to bold. Gawd knows why.

I’m not so sure people really do change all that much at the level I’m talking about. They can be untrue to themselves, sure. Who hasn’t done that? *wrygrin* As much as it pains me to agree with the old bat, I’m gonna have to hold with my Great-Aunt Reetzie. “People don’t change. They just become more so.”

]]> By: DDA http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/05/election-day/#comment-278 DDA Tue, 07 Aug 2007 01:12:35 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/05/election-day/#comment-278 "I italicize those last two words..." Except you bolded them. I think it is also important to realise that people often change over time and what seemed a "core value" ten years ago isn't so core anymore. “I italicize those last two words…”

Except you bolded them. I think it is also important to realise that people often change over time and what seemed a “core value” ten years ago isn’t so core anymore.

]]> By: The Hipster King http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/05/election-day/#comment-277 The Hipster King Mon, 06 Aug 2007 23:01:27 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/05/election-day/#comment-277 I strongly agree with your bottom line. Would each of us really want to be with anyone who says they like us but wants us to change core elements. I tend to be an overthinker, very analytical, sometimes too much...but mostly it's just a side effect of my self-reflection. Do I change that, or do I change how touchy feely I can be, or forgo a good liverwurst sandwich, just to keep someone around? I would hope not. And if I am with someone whose core ideals don't appeal to me, then perhaps I should not keep them around? I strongly agree with your bottom line. Would each of us really want to be with anyone who says they like us but wants us to change core elements. I tend to be an overthinker, very analytical, sometimes too much…but mostly it’s just a side effect of my self-reflection.

Do I change that, or do I change how touchy feely I can be, or forgo a good liverwurst sandwich, just to keep someone around?

I would hope not. And if I am with someone whose core ideals don’t appeal to me, then perhaps I should not keep them around?

]]> By: Goddess of Java http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/05/election-day/#comment-269 Goddess of Java Sun, 05 Aug 2007 21:03:04 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/05/election-day/#comment-269 Oh, don't get me started on the idea that you Have to Have a Relationship to be a Successful Human idea. Oh dear god... Oh, don’t get me started on the idea that you Have to Have a Relationship to be a Successful Human idea.

Oh dear god…

]]> By: Lotte http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/05/election-day/#comment-267 Lotte Sun, 05 Aug 2007 17:01:44 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/05/election-day/#comment-267 This is why books like <i>The Rules</i> make me so ill. They're all about putting up a false image of yourself just so you can Catch That Man. Good lord -- why would you <i>want</i> to catch someone who wants someone other than the genuine you? This is why books like The Rules make me so ill. They’re all about putting up a false image of yourself just so you can Catch That Man. Good lord — why would you want to catch someone who wants someone other than the genuine you?

]]> By: Goddess of Java http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/05/election-day/#comment-262 Goddess of Java Sun, 05 Aug 2007 14:30:36 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/05/election-day/#comment-262 Alan, if Franklin would like to include some of my work, of course I'd be more than delighted to discuss the matter with him. You guys have email addresses where we can discuss this in a non-public forum, yes? If not, lemme know and I'll contact you! Alan, if Franklin would like to include some of my work, of course I’d be more than delighted to discuss the matter with him.

You guys have email addresses where we can discuss this in a non-public forum, yes? If not, lemme know and I’ll contact you!

]]> By: Alan http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/05/election-day/#comment-261 Alan Sun, 05 Aug 2007 14:25:42 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/05/election-day/#comment-261 Great stuff, as usual. A thought to put in your hat: Franklin Veaux is writing a poly guidebook, I've offered editorial help, and we've discussed the possibilility of including sidebar articles in the book by other people about their poly lives, experiences, flavors of doing it, and advice. I bet you'd write a knockout. Could be anything from two paragraphs to moderately long. Interested? I promise nothing. What to include in the book, or not, is up to him. I doubt there'll be any payment -- this is just about getting your name and an essay into what I hope will become <i>the</i> standard poly how-to book. Interested? Cheers, Alan Great stuff, as usual.

A thought to put in your hat: Franklin Veaux is writing a poly guidebook, I’ve offered editorial help, and we’ve discussed the possibilility of including sidebar articles in the book by other people about their poly lives, experiences, flavors of doing it, and advice. I bet you’d write a knockout. Could be anything from two paragraphs to moderately long. Interested?

I promise nothing. What to include in the book, or not, is up to him. I doubt there’ll be any payment — this is just about getting your name and an essay into what I hope will become the standard poly how-to book. Interested?

Cheers,

Alan

]]> By: Kitwench http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/05/election-day/#comment-260 Kitwench Sun, 05 Aug 2007 13:00:50 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/05/election-day/#comment-260 I agree , and it can be tough sometimes to not let your own NRE blind you to what you're doing, what you're compromising or giving up. I know that when I met the Wolf, despite pretty hard NRE, I made a serious effort to be as ME as I could be. It's still difficult when meeting new people, but I try not to hide the core of who I am. I agree , and it can be tough sometimes to not let your own NRE blind you to what you’re doing, what you’re compromising or giving up.
I know that when I met the Wolf, despite pretty hard NRE, I made a serious effort to be as ME as I could be.
It’s still difficult when meeting new people, but I try not to hide the core of who I am.

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