Comments on: The Brave Little Toaster http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/ Wielding the Stick of Grandmotherly Kindness Thu, 07 Aug 2008 19:49:26 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6 By: The Polyamorous Misanthrope » Blog Archive » Front of the hand, back of the hand … http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/#comment-2961 The Polyamorous Misanthrope » Blog Archive » Front of the hand, back of the hand … Mon, 31 Dec 2007 04:00:58 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/#comment-2961 [...] on 100% of the responsibility as though you are simply inventing a problem. (Consult the brilliant Brave-Little-Toaster post for elaboration on this [...] [...] on 100% of the responsibility as though you are simply inventing a problem. (Consult the brilliant Brave-Little-Toaster post for elaboration on this [...]

]]> By: Goddess of Java http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/#comment-501 Goddess of Java Tue, 28 Aug 2007 23:08:20 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/#comment-501 *grins* Guest writers write their own bios. *grins* Guest writers write their own bios.

]]> By: Kimberly http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/#comment-500 Kimberly Tue, 28 Aug 2007 23:01:38 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/#comment-500 I agree with all of this, except where it says that she lives with too many cats. No such thing. So there. I agree with all of this, except where it says that she lives with too many cats.

No such thing.

So there.

]]> By: Vee http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/#comment-377 Vee Mon, 20 Aug 2007 21:33:20 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/#comment-377 I totally agree with you. My only difference in thought is that you typically have a choice in ALL aspects of life, not just relationships. Life is full of dychotomies. Great read. Thanks for giving me something to think about. I totally agree with you. My only difference in thought is that you typically have a choice in ALL aspects of life, not just relationships. Life is full of dychotomies. Great read. Thanks for giving me something to think about.

]]> By: Joyce http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/#comment-374 Joyce Mon, 20 Aug 2007 14:56:00 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/#comment-374 I am so glad to see this healthy dialog! I had stopped reading posts on poly sites because there was so many doormat scenarios, so many folks describing domestic scenes that could not be more UNhealthy. I was getting downright depressed, especially because my own errors were being reflected in the commentary. Thank you, Rain Hannah, and all other "posters" for giving me fuel to shake off my own self-flagellation and move onward toward a stronger, healthier, happier life. I am so glad to see this healthy dialog! I had stopped reading posts on poly sites because there was so many doormat scenarios, so many folks describing domestic scenes that could not be more UNhealthy. I was getting downright depressed, especially because my own errors were being reflected in the commentary. Thank you, Rain Hannah, and all other “posters” for giving me fuel to shake off my own self-flagellation and move onward toward a stronger, healthier, happier life.

]]> By: h6w http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/#comment-370 h6w Mon, 20 Aug 2007 04:49:00 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/#comment-370 It's also important to say that sometimes Partner B "supports" Partner A through a trying time. Offering sympathy, etc. That's all well and good, but if Partner A doesn't learn to stand on their own two feet, it can quickly lead to a very emotionally draining relationship for both. Sometimes the only way to make Partner A understand what is really going on is to let go, walk away, and hope they find their own feet. If they do, they will come back, but you can't let them know you want them to do that, or else it won't work. I suppose what I'm saying is that you can kick them to change, but sometimes they need to kick themselves. The difficulty is knowing when that is appropriate. Sometimes a good way to tell when it is appropriate is to count the number of times a weapon is brought into the relationship. Weapons can take many forms, stick, shoe, etc. but also intangible weapons can hurt just as much and cause people to panic. If you threaten to leave, then you're effectively using their attachment/love for you as a weapon against them. IMHO, a relationship should not ever be used as a weapon. If you regularly bring weapons into the relationship, it becomes much harder to tell when you are serious. If you are going to leave, leave! If there are conditions on you staying, state them. Give them a timeline, a means for judging their progress, etc. Anything else is just slavery. Hugs people. It’s also important to say that sometimes Partner B “supports” Partner A through a trying time. Offering sympathy, etc. That’s all well and good, but if Partner A doesn’t learn to stand on their own two feet, it can quickly lead to a very emotionally draining relationship for both. Sometimes the only way to make Partner A understand what is really going on is to let go, walk away, and hope they find their own feet. If they do, they will come back, but you can’t let them know you want them to do that, or else it won’t work. I suppose what I’m saying is that you can kick them to change, but sometimes they need to kick themselves. The difficulty is knowing when that is appropriate.

Sometimes a good way to tell when it is appropriate is to count the number of times a weapon is brought into the relationship. Weapons can take many forms, stick, shoe, etc. but also intangible weapons can hurt just as much and cause people to panic. If you threaten to leave, then you’re effectively using their attachment/love for you as a weapon against them. IMHO, a relationship should not ever be used as a weapon.

If you regularly bring weapons into the relationship, it becomes much harder to tell when you are serious. If you are going to leave, leave! If there are conditions on you staying, state them. Give them a timeline, a means for judging their progress, etc. Anything else is just slavery.

Hugs people.

]]> By: DexX http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/#comment-369 DexX Mon, 20 Aug 2007 04:03:31 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/#comment-369 Poly bloke from Melbourne, Australia here. As others have pointed out, the above article is hardly applicable only to poly; I have suggested similar courses of action to mono and poly friends alike, and it's good advice. Years ago I came up with an analogy that has never lost its potency for me: Bad love (or any unhealthy situation, really) is like a big splinter deep in your flesh. Digging it out is going to hurt like a bastard, so maybe you say "I'll do it later - not ready right now..." You leave it there, though, it will get infected, and the longer you leave it the worse it will get, and the more it's going to hurt. Eventually you're going to have to dig it out, like it or not, and it is up to you how much it will hurt and how badly it will scar. Poly bloke from Melbourne, Australia here.

As others have pointed out, the above article is hardly applicable only to poly; I have suggested similar courses of action to mono and poly friends alike, and it’s good advice.

Years ago I came up with an analogy that has never lost its potency for me:

Bad love (or any unhealthy situation, really) is like a big splinter deep in your flesh. Digging it out is going to hurt like a bastard, so maybe you say “I’ll do it later - not ready right now…” You leave it there, though, it will get infected, and the longer you leave it the worse it will get, and the more it’s going to hurt. Eventually you’re going to have to dig it out, like it or not, and it is up to you how much it will hurt and how badly it will scar.

]]> By: Rainy http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/#comment-368 Rainy Mon, 20 Aug 2007 01:43:51 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/#comment-368 Laura - Separating from a partner when you are financially dependent (or interdependent) on them is terrifying. It's scary. There's survival stuff at stake and moreso when you have children. I acknowledge that. I rejoined the workforce after a decade of staying home with children and being supported, because that supported my choice. Options exist. Maybe not always easy or pleasant, no, but options. I still believe that it is a choice to stay in a toxic relationship, even if there are kids and financial ties. Perhaps a much more difficult choice because of other factors, but a choice nonetheless. Not every relationship includes financial inter-dependence, marriage, children, property, etc. I am not speaking solely to "primary" here, I am speaking to the larger picture, primary, secondary, tertiary, whatever. Everyone deserves respect and healthy love and everyone is responsible for standing up for that for themselves. Isotopeblue - what the GOJ said. I think there is very little that is truly unique to poly when it comes right down to it. Healthy relating is healthy relating, period. I just speak in the poly context here because that's what sparked the train of thought. Laura - Separating from a partner when you are financially dependent (or interdependent) on them is terrifying. It’s scary. There’s survival stuff at stake and moreso when you have children. I acknowledge that. I rejoined the workforce after a decade of staying home with children and being supported, because that supported my choice. Options exist. Maybe not always easy or pleasant, no, but options. I still believe that it is a choice to stay in a toxic relationship, even if there are kids and financial ties. Perhaps a much more difficult choice because of other factors, but a choice nonetheless. Not every relationship includes financial inter-dependence, marriage, children, property, etc. I am not speaking solely to “primary” here, I am speaking to the larger picture, primary, secondary, tertiary, whatever. Everyone deserves respect and healthy love and everyone is responsible for standing up for that for themselves.

Isotopeblue - what the GOJ said. I think there is very little that is truly unique to poly when it comes right down to it. Healthy relating is healthy relating, period. I just speak in the poly context here because that’s what sparked the train of thought.

]]> By: Edward Martin III http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/#comment-367 Edward Martin III Mon, 20 Aug 2007 00:40:04 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/#comment-367 "Here is the truth. There is no eventual Reward on the other side of all the drama and pain. You do not wake up one day happy because you were A Very Good Girl and someone finally anted up with the cookies you earned with your patience, love and self-sacrifice. All you will get is an empty plate." Fuckin' a. “Here is the truth. There is no eventual Reward on the other side of all the drama and pain. You do not wake up one day happy because you were A Very Good Girl and someone finally anted up with the cookies you earned with your patience, love and self-sacrifice. All you will get is an empty plate.”

Fuckin’ a.

]]> By: Goddess of Java http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/#comment-366 Goddess of Java Sun, 19 Aug 2007 23:19:12 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/#comment-366 Isotopeblue: I would say more that it's something that applies to ANY relationship rather than actually being INDEPENDENT of polyamory. For the last few years, it as been a source of amusement to me how very very little is actually unique to polyamory! Isotopeblue: I would say more that it’s something that applies to ANY relationship rather than actually being INDEPENDENT of polyamory.

For the last few years, it as been a source of amusement to me how very very little is actually unique to polyamory!

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