Comments on: The Brave Little Toaster http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/ Wielding the Stick of Grandmotherly Kindness Sun, 05 Feb 2012 00:09:44 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Emotional disrespect is everyone’s problem « In It For The Love http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/comment-page-1/#comment-25711 Emotional disrespect is everyone’s problem « In It For The Love Wed, 11 Aug 2010 23:16:07 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/#comment-25711 [...] 11, 2010 by mrsskwirl42 I came across this article today via twitter. The original tweet was retweeted along with the added comment: “This is [...] [...] 11, 2010 by mrsskwirl42 I came across this article today via twitter. The original tweet was retweeted along with the added comment: “This is [...]

]]> By: The Polyamorous Misanthrope » Blog Archive » Patient Griselda, or, Minding the Gap http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/comment-page-1/#comment-25220 The Polyamorous Misanthrope » Blog Archive » Patient Griselda, or, Minding the Gap Mon, 02 Aug 2010 12:23:51 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/#comment-25220 [...] does that last line sound familiar? Oh my GOD it totally does!  It was the whole Brave Little Toaster thing, only in the short term, looking very different, and there was no bad guy!  That attitude? [...] [...] does that last line sound familiar? Oh my GOD it totally does!  It was the whole Brave Little Toaster thing, only in the short term, looking very different, and there was no bad guy!  That attitude? [...]

]]> By: DG http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/comment-page-1/#comment-23500 DG Mon, 14 Jun 2010 19:25:39 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/#comment-23500 Yup, there's a name for B. Nice Guy Syndrome. (it of course applies to women, too). "If I am a brave little toaster and do X, they will do Y for me." Lemme put it into poly phraseology: More likely than not, you never negotiated Y with your partner, you just assumed it. How's that working for you? Yup, there’s a name for B. Nice Guy Syndrome. (it of course applies to women, too). “If I am a brave little toaster and do X, they will do Y for me.” Lemme put it into poly phraseology: More likely than not, you never negotiated Y with your partner, you just assumed it. How’s that working for you?

]]> By: violet_flames http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/comment-page-1/#comment-8124 violet_flames Mon, 15 Dec 2008 21:00:39 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/#comment-8124 You know this seems to apply to jobs too. I would say my supervisor thinks she's been a brave little toaster for years. I think she's finally figured out she won't be rewarded, but man 10+ years is too long to stay in a job that doesn't appreciate your vision of your position. You know this seems to apply to jobs too. I would say my supervisor thinks she’s been a brave little toaster for years. I think she’s finally figured out she won’t be rewarded, but man 10+ years is too long to stay in a job that doesn’t appreciate your vision of your position.

]]> By: The Polyamorous Misanthrope » Blog Archive » Front of the hand, back of the hand … http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/comment-page-1/#comment-2961 The Polyamorous Misanthrope » Blog Archive » Front of the hand, back of the hand … Mon, 31 Dec 2007 04:00:58 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/#comment-2961 [...] on 100% of the responsibility as though you are simply inventing a problem. (Consult the brilliant Brave-Little-Toaster post for elaboration on this [...] [...] on 100% of the responsibility as though you are simply inventing a problem. (Consult the brilliant Brave-Little-Toaster post for elaboration on this [...]

]]> By: Goddess of Java http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/comment-page-1/#comment-501 Goddess of Java Tue, 28 Aug 2007 23:08:20 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/#comment-501 *grins* Guest writers write their own bios. *grins* Guest writers write their own bios.

]]> By: Kimberly http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/comment-page-1/#comment-500 Kimberly Tue, 28 Aug 2007 23:01:38 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/#comment-500 I agree with all of this, except where it says that she lives with too many cats. No such thing. So there. I agree with all of this, except where it says that she lives with too many cats.

No such thing.

So there.

]]> By: Vee http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/comment-page-1/#comment-377 Vee Mon, 20 Aug 2007 21:33:20 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/#comment-377 I totally agree with you. My only difference in thought is that you typically have a choice in ALL aspects of life, not just relationships. Life is full of dychotomies. Great read. Thanks for giving me something to think about. I totally agree with you. My only difference in thought is that you typically have a choice in ALL aspects of life, not just relationships. Life is full of dychotomies. Great read. Thanks for giving me something to think about.

]]> By: Joyce http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/comment-page-1/#comment-374 Joyce Mon, 20 Aug 2007 14:56:00 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/#comment-374 I am so glad to see this healthy dialog! I had stopped reading posts on poly sites because there was so many doormat scenarios, so many folks describing domestic scenes that could not be more UNhealthy. I was getting downright depressed, especially because my own errors were being reflected in the commentary. Thank you, Rain Hannah, and all other "posters" for giving me fuel to shake off my own self-flagellation and move onward toward a stronger, healthier, happier life. I am so glad to see this healthy dialog! I had stopped reading posts on poly sites because there was so many doormat scenarios, so many folks describing domestic scenes that could not be more UNhealthy. I was getting downright depressed, especially because my own errors were being reflected in the commentary. Thank you, Rain Hannah, and all other “posters” for giving me fuel to shake off my own self-flagellation and move onward toward a stronger, healthier, happier life.

]]> By: h6w http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/comment-page-1/#comment-370 h6w Mon, 20 Aug 2007 04:49:00 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/the-brave-little-toaster/#comment-370 It's also important to say that sometimes Partner B "supports" Partner A through a trying time. Offering sympathy, etc. That's all well and good, but if Partner A doesn't learn to stand on their own two feet, it can quickly lead to a very emotionally draining relationship for both. Sometimes the only way to make Partner A understand what is really going on is to let go, walk away, and hope they find their own feet. If they do, they will come back, but you can't let them know you want them to do that, or else it won't work. I suppose what I'm saying is that you can kick them to change, but sometimes they need to kick themselves. The difficulty is knowing when that is appropriate. Sometimes a good way to tell when it is appropriate is to count the number of times a weapon is brought into the relationship. Weapons can take many forms, stick, shoe, etc. but also intangible weapons can hurt just as much and cause people to panic. If you threaten to leave, then you're effectively using their attachment/love for you as a weapon against them. IMHO, a relationship should not ever be used as a weapon. If you regularly bring weapons into the relationship, it becomes much harder to tell when you are serious. If you are going to leave, leave! If there are conditions on you staying, state them. Give them a timeline, a means for judging their progress, etc. Anything else is just slavery. Hugs people. It’s also important to say that sometimes Partner B “supports” Partner A through a trying time. Offering sympathy, etc. That’s all well and good, but if Partner A doesn’t learn to stand on their own two feet, it can quickly lead to a very emotionally draining relationship for both. Sometimes the only way to make Partner A understand what is really going on is to let go, walk away, and hope they find their own feet. If they do, they will come back, but you can’t let them know you want them to do that, or else it won’t work. I suppose what I’m saying is that you can kick them to change, but sometimes they need to kick themselves. The difficulty is knowing when that is appropriate.

Sometimes a good way to tell when it is appropriate is to count the number of times a weapon is brought into the relationship. Weapons can take many forms, stick, shoe, etc. but also intangible weapons can hurt just as much and cause people to panic. If you threaten to leave, then you’re effectively using their attachment/love for you as a weapon against them. IMHO, a relationship should not ever be used as a weapon.

If you regularly bring weapons into the relationship, it becomes much harder to tell when you are serious. If you are going to leave, leave! If there are conditions on you staying, state them. Give them a timeline, a means for judging their progress, etc. Anything else is just slavery.

Hugs people.

]]>