The Polyamorous Misanthrope

I’ve noticed some talk on the polyamory discussion boards talking about fundamentalist Mormon polygamy and how it makes the polyamory community look. Because polyamory is hardly on the general public radar, there is some concern that any non-monogamous relationship will be mentally lumped in with groups we might not admire.

Well, true enough. I am sure many of my readers, especially the ones who live in poly families, have their lives compared to the HBO series “Big Love”.

The sad truth of the matter is that the media cannot portray our lives with sympathetic accuracy, nor is there really any motivation to! Sex sells, friends, and drama sells better. Sensible, together people don’t make ratings and sell the laundry detergent.

What makes it worse is that there are some serious unethical excesses portrayed that poly families might be in danger of.

“We’re not a cult!” I hear you shriek.

Okay, you’re probably not. But, how do you know? I’m quite serious. What are the signs of a cult that you’re so sure you’re not in one? If you had a friend in a poly family that was not healthy, could you spot it?

In my famed generosity, I shall post some <grin>. You knew that was coming, didntcha?

Warning signs you might be in a cult:

· Social Isolation

Do you have friends outside of your family circle? Tragically, if you live in an alternative family, you might find yourself incredibly shy about socializing in the “real world”. You might be estranged from your family of birth, either by choice or not. To protect yourself against some of the dangers of cult-like issues, make sure you have social contacts outside of the context of the polyamory community. I hammer at this one a lot because it’s really important. You live in a big world, even if you live in rural East Nowhere. Make sure you have a range of friendships. (Like so many things, this is not poly-specific. It’s not good for anyone to limit their contacts to church, family or in-group no matter what!) You have interests other than polyamory, after all. Pursue them.

· Ethical double standards

Is your in-group “allowed” to do things that the “common herd” isn’t permitted to do? Ferinstance, the FLDS church considers welfare fraud against “Babylon” (what they call the mainstream world) perfectly okay, because they’re “better” and “chosen of God”.

· Control of your money

I am not trying to say you cannot choose to join a commune or ascribe to the “common pot” theory of polyfamilies economics. They’re fine choices if they work for you! Just check and make sure it’s equitable. In a commune, the standard of living will be the same among all members. In a healthy family, you’re not going to have a member allowed to go to Paris while another catches hell for going out for a beer.

· Behavioral control

How’s that freedom of choice going? Is “for the good of the family” used as a control technique to make you give up personal goals important to you? Are there unspoken rules about how you must behave with heavy penalties if you break them?

· Groupthink – pressure to remain in the group

Groupthink is a big danger for an in-group and even one that is otherwise healthy. Because OLQ could come together like a well-constructed tank when it was needed for family goals, I would say that we could fall danger to a certain level of groupthink sometimes. Useful as it can be (our ability to tag-team in negotiation did get us called a cult when buying a car once!), watch out! There’s a line between useful and giving up your own thoughts and identity. Don’t cross it!

· Use of stress to break down logical thought

Interventions on behavior that’s negative can be necessary. Impromptu “interventions” can be more like brainwashing sessions. If they’re happening without a professional counselor to keep things in line, be afraid. Be very afraid. If you have more than one of those sessions in year, you’ve got other things to look at, anyway. Don’t participate in intervention-like sessions unless they’re actual interventions with clearly-defined goals, preferably with the aid of a professional counselor. They come just awfully close to brainwashing techniques and may cross the line.

What it really boils down to at all times is your level of freedom of choice. It’s okay to choose to live in a tightly-knit family. It only becomes not okay when you’re threatened if you want to leave, or if you are losing your own sense if identity, or if your children are being harmed.

This is where Mormon polygamy is dangerous. There’s nothing inherently wrong with having long hair or dressing modestly or living in a plural marriage (I’ve been a plural wife, have long hair and habitually dress about as modestly as your average FLDS wife). The problem is the lack of education and lack of free choice. Before all the sympathy goes to the women, though, do take a look at the men in this culture. Simple mathematics should point out that if one man has six wives, another man will be permitted none (in this culture, the marriages are arranged). Even if a man has wives, if he does not toe the line, the leader can take his wives and children away from him — either for himself or another man. Imagine having a really pretty wife in that setup!

A few people are concerned that we’re going to be compared to the FLDS. Yeah, it’s going to happen some. I’d say the biggest defense is not to behave as they do. Don’t be controlling, don’t allow yourself to be controlled. Don’t isolate yourself from the world. Don’t abuse children. Don’t “marry” people underage. You don’t have anything to hide, really. I mean, sure, maybe you don’t want to discuss your sex life with non-intimates (I sure don’t!). That’s okay. In the “real world” you probably don’t know about the sex lives of non-intimates, either, right? You can hold people to the standards of the “real world”, and be doing the polyamory community a big service in the bargain.

What we really want people to see is that yeah, poly people are just “real people” with all the foibles, failures and joys of the rest of the world.

Don’t go the route of the FLDS and avoid the “world of dust”. Joyfully “join the dust of the world”.

I have a Serious Confession to make.

There’s a video that’s been around for awhile called Polly Wally¹.

After several years, I finally managed to watch it all the way through. No, not because it’s bad. Quite the reverse. It’s so very good that I’d cringe like I was watching Fawlty Towers and have to turn it off, because I’d have the wincing heebie jeebies.

As with any humor, there’s an exaggeration, but God! It’s just Too Real sometimes — too close to things I’ve watched and experienced².  The instant switch of hierarchies has got to be the funniest to me.

Of course, this comment could be used as ammunition that Poly Sucks and that if we’d just be good little monogamous people and Be Responsible, then all our relationship troubles would go away, right?

Bull.

<grin> If humor is anything to go on, then monogamous issues outnumber poly ones by an order of magnitude.   Which is the big money genre, Polyamorous Romantic Comedy, or Monogamous Romantic Comedy.

But humor is important to pay attention to, because it’s a fantastic way to get a feel for the issues.  What we snark at, poke fun at and laugh at is where we’re the most tender.  Humor is armor against the pain of our own foolishness.

So when you laugh at something, examine.  It’s a lesson there for you.

¹Just a heads up, this probably isn’t worksafe. Use your judgement.
²Yes, I know, you and your circle are Way Too Evolved ever to have experienced anything close to this, you Special Little Snowflake, you. I swear, one of these days I’m gonna start the Goddess of Java Special Little Snowflake Award, I really am!

Okay, how many of you suckers really, really think I’m going to do a post about that?

What I am going to do is explain a bit about why there isn’t, nor will there ever be, a Misanthrope article analyzing OLQ’s breakup¹.

The first is merely the tacky factor. I have a strong distaste, shared by my exes, for public displays of negative emotion. Friends, even the most amicable of divorces is painful, and really sucks. Feeding the suckiness isn’t something I wanna do. And at this late date, the suckiness is gone. That’s a good thing!

“Okay,” you say, “but what about the fact that you guys had this huge site about building a poly family and making it work. It didn’t work and we don’t know why! You owe an explanation.”

I actually did get an email to the tune of this back in July 2005 when I thought I was retiring from the poly community, but found I was really taking a sabbatical.

I never did write a response, but I actually did get up from my computer and swore for about five minutes without repeating myself before I was calm enough to decide I’d just let it go without saying anything.

As a response two years later: No, we don’t owe an explanation. Sorry.

But to be more forthcoming, you’ve heard the old saying, “There are three sides to any breakup: His side, her side and the truth.” Just as there are something like sixteen relationships within a quad, there are an equivalent number of sides in its breakup. Within months of that breakup, I wasn’t capable of a rational analysis and had the sense not to try — certainly not in a public forum.

Two years on, I feel like I have a more rational handle, and am even more disinclined to do a public postmortem than ever. The information that people need to solve problems in their own relationships is out there, and my own analysis would not add sufficiently to the body of knowledge to overcome any pain showing my own limited, and possibly inaccurate, point of view would cause my exes.

But you know what? You won’t go far wrong by following the advice on the PolyFamilies site. That showed a lot of what we did right, and problems we were right to work on. I don’t read any of those articles and cringe, nor do I feel ashamed of anything that’s up there. If I’ve changed an opinion, it’ll probably show up here with some level of analysis, but you ain’t gettin’ any juicy dirt.

I will say that OLQ, even in its breakup, did do something right. We decided “Screw the personal. How do we at least do our best for the kids?” We’re doing okay. Not perfect, because no-one’s perfect, but I’m proud of the fact that we do focus on the important stuff.

So, in the face of that, if you’re in the throes of a breakup, I’d like to give this advice which has worked for us:

• It’s a damn breakup, not a war. You don’t need troops to defend you. Look, in a breakup, you might be seeing things in black and white. You might very well feel like you are totally right and you want people to agree with how right you are. Enjoy your rightness quietly and don’t wave it like a damn flag, ‘kay? Trumpeting your rightness or jumping up and down to defend yourself in public because you were so badly wronged makes you like like a damn’ idiot. (Note that OLQ handled the breakup privately for a reason!)
• Never put anything in writing you don’t want to show up in court. This was not so applicable in my case. The legal issues were resolved without recourse to a court mediation. But if you’re facing one, remember that online forums ain’t private. Not even friends locks on LJs. Don’t be an idiot.
• The children are children, not messengers, nor allies. Keep the kids out of it. Don’t badmouth the other parents to the kids. Remember, the kids love your exes, even if you might have stopped. Being a good parent in the face of emotional upheaval is hard, I’m not going to say otherwise. But suck it up, buttercup, ’cause you have a duty.
• Of course you’re going to want to vent. Carefully choose to whom you will do so. Every time you say something privately to another person, it increases by an exponential factor the chance of what you were mouthing off about to get back to an ex and start drama. If you have a deep need to vent, a really deep need to just blow, get a professional counselor. If you want something nasty to get back to your ex, I’m sorry, I have scant sympathy. That’s bloody tacky. When it’s over, you shut up, suck it up and move on as best you can. Show a little damn’ class.

Anyway, this is about as much of an answer as I feel good about giving in terms of OLQ’s breakup and what have you. We’re still parents to the kids. We don’t have fights. We communicate about as well as can be expected in a very complex divorce. There are friendships among the exes, even if we’re not the Bestest Buddies Evah.

In my book, I call that good.

¹And if I’ve not already discussed it with you privately, I’m going to decline to do so privately, too.

“My idea is simple- everyone needs a blow job, a cookie, and a nap. If that happens, world peace will ensue.”

— The Mad Pirate Bippy

I like pithy statements, as they often illustrate principles.

The Blow-job, cookie and nap (usually abbreviated to BCN) is often prescribed on the PolyFamilies discussion group when someone’s seeming Just a Bit Too Cranky. This isnt’ done as a sneer, but in an honest attempt to be helpful. I’ve always really liked the idea, and not just because orgasms, something sweet and a good nap are all fun things.

Nope, I like it because it’s sensible.

If you’re cranky, tired and overwrought, something to relax you, a nice nap and something to eat is pretty restorative. Just as I discuss in the H.A.L.T post, it deals with the basic biological stuff so you can wake up and think more clearly.¹

I encourage this as a fun tool in the Relationship Skill Box — not because I believe sex, sleep and cookies is a cure-all. It ain’t². But, you know, sometimes in our daily lives and relationships, we get Just Too Damned Serious, and maybe that mountain would look more like a molehill in the face of a good BCN.

If you’re going to suggest it, I warn you, don’t do it in a condescending way to someone who’s upset. It won’t work. Promise. This is where play and jollying is important. You have to be able to present it in a way the other person will want to play. And don’t use it to get out of being chewed out because you were a jerk, either. It won’t work and might make things worse. If you’re gonna suggest it, the BCN has to come from the heart and with honest play, love and concern. Not only that, your partner’s gotta accept that’s where you’re coming from with it.

Discussions can be interrupted after all. As Edward Martin III comments in On Civilized Discourse,

“If there isn’t visible blood or visible flame, chances are, there’s no rush.
Also Known As: “The Law of Chillin’”.”

A BCN is certainly a good way to chill, and maybe after that nap, you might come up with something productive from your dreams and subconscious. (While the cookie was actually an onigiri and partner was omitted, I did write this upon waking from a nap. <grin>).

¹This is not entirely dependent on having a partner. You can have an orgasm and a nap without one. I often do, even when partnered. Nice way to fall asleep, after all.

²Sorry, Bippy!