The Polyamorous Misanthrope

This isn’t by the Goddess of Java, but is by The Ferret and originally posted here.  Reposted by permission.  This is excellent stuff!

In my last discussion of infidelity, I outlined the four basic types of cheaters. Of that, there were only two who you could really hope to have a relationship with:

• The Wild Oat-Sower, who cheats to see whether something’s as good as they thought it was (and then, their curiosity satisfied, doesn’t do it again), and:
• The Desperate Housewife, who’s cheating because you’re doing something that’s making them miserable. Hence, they’re going elsewhere to fulfill the needs that you’re not satisfying.

I also said that when caught, the Desperate Housewife – who, despite the name, can also be a guy – will almost invariably claim that they were just working something out of their system.

But why is that? Why will these unhappy partners lie and tell you that it’s not you, it’s something they’re going through and they need to work it out? Wouldn’t it be better just to talk to you about the shit they’re going through and maybe clear it up?

The reason’s simple: Desperate Housewife cheating happens in an environment where your lover feels they’ll be punished for being honest.

If a Desperate Housewife could tell you about what was really bothering them in a way where they felt like you could listen, then they wouldn’t cheat. (They might have sex with someone else with your permission, but contrary to some popular beliefs, that’s not cheating.) But now, if they tell the truth, they’re going to get into a big long argument where they won’t be heard at all. It’s quicker to cheat.

Yes, the Desperate Housewife is a sign that your relationship has degenerated to the point where your partner now views you as an obstacle to be worked around. Your partner still loves you – otherwise they’d be out the door* -

This may not be your fault.

You could, for example, be committing the crime of “Not being the ex-girlfriend he’s hung up on,” and talking to you about how you’re really not her will just make you feel bad and cause a lot of crying. So since that’ll never change and he’s not quite ready to leave you, he’s just not going to mention how he’ll jump her if he gets the chance. Really, there’s nothing you can do.

Or perhaps you are guilty of “Unable to tell her exactly what she should do with her life right now, and she doesn’t know.” Your wife’s suddenly decided that everything in her life is wrong; she’s not satisfied with her husband or her career or her family or her hobbies. She’s drifted passively through life until now, agreeing quietly with everything people said, but a few months ago she realized that this wasn’t working.

Now she doesn’t know what will make her happy, and she’s quietly angry all the time because somebody should hand her a paper slip containing the magic words that will give her a life of fulfillment, and nobody has. Everything you suggest is complete crap that she knows won’t work – she knows it so thoroughly that she won’t even try it.

As her husband, you should be the one who knows what the hell she wants – or are you part of the problem? Hmm? Maybe?

That’s a no-win situation.

Or you might be condemned to, “Not wanting to watch your husband screw every woman in town until he’s had all of the fun he wants.” Or “Unable to agree with everything your girlfriend says.”

Some Desperate Housewives desire things that are completely unreasonable. In many cases, what they want is something that you shouldn’t provide – they probably should be punished for being honest, since what they’re asking you to do isn’t something that should be granted. And as is often the case with dysfunctional relationships, there’s really not that much common ground to work with once you clear away that dry brush. What would make your partner happy would make you miserable, so there’s no real room for negotiation.

But remember when I said that when caught, almost every Desperate Housewife will claim to be a Wild Oat-Sower? Here’s the corollary:

When a Desperate Housewife is caught, almost every partner claims that they’re doing everything that their partner can reasonably expect, whether they actually are or not.

The partner of a Desperate Housewife will almost always admit that yes, there are problems, but on the whole he’s been doing everything he should be doing. He’s been kind, communicative, understanding – it’s her that’s the problem. This is understandable. The “solvable” Desperate Housewives (the ones where they have problems that can be addressed) are generally caused by communication locks, where the cheatee feels like she’s listening properly and the cheater knows he isn’t.

What happens is often subtle; the cheatee is suppressing vital communication in some quiet way that he or she may not be aware of. Lemme give you a real-life example here to clarify things.

In a long-term relationship with an old girlfriend, I was kind, sensitive, and loving. I took care of her emotionally, I brought her flowers, I picked her up from her job, and I was an awesome boyfriend.

She cheated on me.

This was sadly common in my LTRs. Most of my girlfriends cheated on me.* And it was a surprisingly long time before I discovered the common denominator in my crappy relationships was me.

What was I doing? It was surprisingly subtle. I kept asking, “Do you love me?” (or that eternal variant, “Are we okay?”). And I didn’t just ask it once a day – oh, no, sometimes I’d ask it a couple of times an hour.

I was a good boyfriend, on many levels. If you were to ask me, I was doing what I was supposed to do, and if I was a little needy at times, well, my other fine qualities made up for it. But realistically, I was suppressing communication constantly.

How? Well, every time I asked “Are we okay?”, I was accomplishing two things. Quite obviously, being asked all the time is fucking annoying, so I was endlessly nagging. But on the other hand, every partner has their quirks, and I might have found someone who was willing to reassure me a lot.

The larger problem was that we had to be okay. If my partner was upset or just irritated, telling me that they weren’t okay would lead to an instant Serious Discussion of What Was Wrong, which would not end until we were okay once again. Basically, any conflict, no matter how slight, had to be ironed out immediately for my convenience – I couldn’t live with my girlfriends being mad at me at all.

Sometimes, people just need time to cool off. (Or you don’t want to get into an argument now, because this movie’s really good.) By continually demanding that everything was okay at the very moment I asked it, I was lowering the bar on “okay.” In order to live with me, any girlfriend had to quietly redefine “trivial, but not worth discussing now” as “Okay.”

In this fashion, I taught them to lie to me. I was practically asking for it.

But wait! There’s more! If they didn’t want to discuss it right then, they couldn’t argue about it later – because then I’d realize that they had lied to me when they’d told me we were fine half an hour ago, and how could I know whether they had really meant that okay? The argument now would be that much bigger. So if they didn’t bring up the trivial stuff instantly, on my terms, they couldn’t bring it up at all without a huge fight that questioned their honesty.

They stopped talking to me about the trivial stuff. And the funny thing about trivial stuff is that it almost invariably chains into major stuff… But how could they discuss the major stuff that had sprung from the trivial stuff without having to justify all the quiet lies they’d told to me along the way?

In fact, they couldn’t talk to me at all. I was still a great guy, but there was this no-fly zone of non-communication. And hence, they would eventually find a guy who didn’t ask them stupid shit all the time, and by God was he attractive.

They didn’t leave me. They still liked me. But the other guy was like a vacation, or perhaps a pressure valve. He provided something I couldn’t – you know, confidence.

And so my communication patterns broke down. But if you were to ask me, I was doing everything that I was supposed to in order to keep things moving – in fact, my negative was a positive. I was always asking for feedback! I wanted open communication! Why did all of my girlfriends lie to me? By God, they were all Kobayashi Marus. You couldn’t win with them. Sure, I was flawed, but those were minor; on the whole, I was doing everything I should.

Thus, the big question in any future relationship with a cheater is, “What are you doing wrong?” It sounds ludicrous to ask this after a partner’s wounded you so thoroughly, but chances are better than even that they didn’t just do this out of evil intentions.

You might be partially at fault for this. To find out, in the next segment of this ongoing series, I’ll outline the various types of Desperate Housewives that I’ve seen, both male and female.

Stay tuned.

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You’re poly, you’re new to it and you’re excited. Then some jerk starts picking apart your happiness and excitement and you feel smacked. What the hell? You know the community you joined said it was talking about polyamory. Aren’t these people supposed to be sympathetic?

A newly poly person, having a new interest, is probably very absorbed in the ideas, wanting to learn what other people think, excited to try out the joys of multiple partners. This is all good and valid and the way it should be, I think. I’m all for diving deep into new interests and ideas.

What’ll happen is that they’ll encounter an established community start talking to someone like me, and it’ll feel like a damn’ brick wall. It’s not that I’m jaded and cynical… Okay, fine, I am jaded and cynical. But the point is that the newly poly who truly does want and need to explore all the options around hits into the person who has done an awful lot of exploring and isn’t really excited about talking about the shiny new, nor is this person willing to overlook some things that one does (and maybe even should) in the shiny new phase.

This is not to say that cynically shooting people down is okay just because you’ve been around the block a few times. It’s not okay. I think a little sympathy and understanding is a good thing, even when you’re hauling out the “stick of grandmotherly kindness.”

I’d like both sides of this to understand each other. If you’re over 35 and cannot look at a 17 year old who is newly in love and hormonally carbonated and put your own mind back to those days when it was you, you need to work on your empathy for a little while before you start mouthing off in the poly community. Remember when you got into something new and exciting and overwhelming to your life. Keep that in mind as you’re trying to explain things you think are necessary to talk about to the new ones.

On the other hand, you newly polys, when you get a comment that seems a bit negative or jaded? That person is probably opening her shirt and saying, “See this? Over my heart? Big fucking scar, innit? I want to explain to you how I got it so maybe you can avoid one of your own.” Believe it or not, that person is not trying to blow off your happiness, excitement or joy in the new, but is trying to help you keep your happiness. Poly is not new to that person, and unless she’s a psycho like me who writes about it all the time and starts communities on it, the concept of poly probably does not absorb even as much time as what a churchgoer spends on religion.  They don’t have lifestyles so much as… well… LIVES.

I’m not gonna say I’m innocent of the “Been there, done that” eyeroll routine.   You really do see a lot of the same issues over and over and over and over and over and over.   What I try to remind myself when I’m actually concentratin’ on bein’ a decent human being and all, is that while it’s not new to me, it’s new to the person talking about it.

But you new people?  Keep in mind it’s new to you.

Mama Java, out…

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I often get what appears to be a wild hare across my butt to encourage crazy things to happen. In reality, I think about things for several months or years and then bring them up when the time looks right to me. This past week has been one of those times, and we’re getting ready to launch something I’ve wanted to for about four years, now.

The polyamory community, especially in the US, has some wonderful stuff going for it — we have Loving More and the delightful workshops, publications and publicity work they do, people hosting conventions, people organizing discussion groups on the Internet, and in person, legal defense funds… Just fantastic stuff.

The thing we don’t do as a community (at least that I’ve been aware of) is do a lot of giving to the “rest of the world” as a community. Polyamory has in the past relegated its giving to the polyamory community. That’s well, good and worthy. Not knocking it. It’s needed and should continue.

But we live in a big and diverse world — a world that we’re a part of. In this world, a good path to acceptance, I think, is to show that we are a part of it, know we’re a part of it, and do what we can to make it a better place. It’s hard to hate someone willing to get her hands dirty in the name of charity.

PolyFamilies has come together this past week with the intention of forming a charity fund. The org has no name, nor specific guidelines yet, but there is a single intention among us — to do good in the name of Polyamory.

This is very much in the planning stages, so I can’t throw out exact details. I do invite people who want to be in on it to join PolyFamilies and speak up.

If you’re not into the organization side of things, but are still interested, I promise you’ll have ample opportunity to pitch in. I’ll be advertising about it in this column from time to time, so if you’re into making the world better and helping out the poly community at the same time, here’s a way you can do so.

Remember,

Love is a Verb.

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Anyone over the age of 13 ought to know that sex can have consequences.

We all know you can get pregnant, get a disease, blah, blah, blah, that safe sex isn’t¹ and that contraception is not always perfect.

Do you ever talk about this sort of thing with your partners? If you don’t/haven’t, please do.

Things that it would be helpful to discuss openly with any partner that might be affected in a poly situation:

What do we agree to do if there is an unexpected pregnancy?

Remember this is not necessarily just between two people. If there are other long-term partners, especially legal spouses and/or other children, involved it’s going to affect a lot of lives. The adults in the situation need to sit down and make sure that everyone knows how everyone else feels so that intelligence plans can be made. If none of you are parents, talk to people who are – especially poly parents. Things you think would be big issues when you’re childless might not be, and things you think are trivial aren’t. Talk. Discuss. Get information.

Also, it’s important to take something into account: Sometimes pregnancy can trip some very visceral responses in a woman, especially when it’s her first pregnancy. If you find yourself in this position, please keep in mind that you’re bound by agreements you make. Yes, I am alluding to the fact that if you agree not to have a child in the case of an unexpected pregnancy and then change your mind about it, it’s pretty tacky to demand that the father be involved with time and/or money. Ultimately it’s your choice, but put on your big girl panties about it and let it be your choice.

If you’re a guy and you’re not interested in more children, and want the pregnancy to be terminated in case of an accident, make sure you have on your big boy pants, too, and be diligent about the birth control as well as choosing not to have sex partners where you think they may be unsure. Ideally, get snipped. I’m hoping everyone’s being loving here. It’s not loving not to let partners know how you feel and why, then step up to the plate and take responsibility for those feelings’ consequences. ‘Kay?

Decide on what you consider is intelligent risk management in terms of STDs.

I like this article very much, and really encourage you to check it out. It’s incredibly sensible and doesn’t sugar coat, but isn’t a Chicken Little type STD article either. Check out all the links down the right sidebar, too. Good stuff. This is better than anything I could write, so I’m not going to bother to reinvent the wheel.

If someone does get an STD, how will you handle it? How do you plan to tell everyone who needs to know. (Hint: If you’re having sex with them, you need to tell them. Then they need to tell everyone they’re having sex with and so on… Got it? Not telling someone is being a damn’ asshole. Don’t do that).

If you’re interested in being loving, you need to talk stuff out first. That whole “swept away in the heat of the moment” seems great for a movie. But do you really think your life should be a good movie script?² More to the point, would you wish that on people you love?

¹ There are those who refer to risk management when it comes to sex and disease as “safer sex” as the more accurate term. Nothing’s perfect.
²As a writer of fiction, I sure as hell hope not. Good fiction means torturing your characters!

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Community is important. (Yeah, yeah, I know, big shock that I’d say that. Stop pretending to have a heart attack).

I’ve been preaching boundaries and acceptable behavior for many months here, and the reason I do it is because community is important and you cannot have a good relationship without interdependence. Thing is, you won’t choose that if you’re not solid and safe in your boundaries first.

This is where the title to the article comes in. You see, there are stages of growth that every person goes through¹.

First, you’re dependent. We typically associate this with childhood because the way children are dependent is big and obvious. They cannot care for themselves, but over time, they learn the skills necessary to do so. The thing is, often people are emotionally dependent long after they’re no longer so physically. You are emotionally dependent if your sense of self-worth and security derives from the continuing nurturing of another person.

I’ll tell on myself. I was in my late thirties before I moved away being emotionally dependent on someone. So, just so you know, there’s no high horse about this sort of thing coming from me. I got lucky and was forced into the next stage.

Yep, Independence.

Now many people are physically independent even before they hit their twenties. That’s really cool. But to be in keeping with the poly theme, I wanna talk more about emotional independence. Boy, oh boy, that sounds all cool and self-sufficient, doesn’t it? Yep, I can take care of myself, I don’t depend on anyone for my needs…. Wow, this is awesome!

It is awesome, and a fun feeling.

But there’s one more step — Interdependence. This is when you’re relying mutually on each other(s) in support of a common goal such as family, childrearing or some other community goal.

Interdependence can’t happen, by the way, unless you’ve been independent. It’s a necessary stage. If you’ve skipped the whole independence thing, you’re probably dependent, no matter how it looks otherwise.

Interdependence is where a good poly relationship happens. It’s where individuals, perfectly capable of and relaxed at the prospect of being self-reliant, self-supporting and perfect fine and happy with self-care can mutually agree to a level of support and care between each other. In fact, I’ll even go so far as to say that until you reach the whole interdependent level, you’re really not ready to have poly relationships at all.

So, where are you in your personal development?

If you’re saying, “I need my SO.” or “Life wouldn’t be worth living without X”, you’re dependent². It might be productive to take a hard look at yourself and ask yourself if you like where you are. If you do, well, good luck with that. It’s a somewhat dangerous path, but can be a valid choice. Just do it with your eyes open. If you aren’t too happy with it, there are a range of options. Counseling can be useful. You might find mental exercises where you mentally replace the word “need” with “want” for anything not having to do with your physical survival³. Try exercises that make you aware that you’re responsible for your own emotional well-being. Consistently ask yourself how you can meet your own emotional desires. Make sure you’re not throwing them aside to care for others, as well.

If you’re independent, make sure you check that it’s a choice rather than a fear of closeness. It’s a valid choice in a lot of circumstances, but you want to be sure you’re open to the benefits of community — of serving and being served.

When you get to an interdependent situation, do keep in mind that there’s a serious mutuality going on there! You might be spending a lot of time in service to others, but those others are going to be spending a lot of time in service to you. Remember to accept the help. If you’re not accepting the help and care as well as giving it, you’re actually in a weird cycle of dependence or co-dependence. Mutuality is the key. I mean, we all know giving is fun, right? Yes, yes, yes, enjoy yourself in it, but don’t hog all the fun. Let your loves have the pleasure of doing the same!

¹Please note that I did not say, “Every child goes through”. Sure, it’d be great if we did all go through these stages in childhood, but the simple fact of the matter is that in our culture and the way many people are reared, we don’t. So don’t beat yourself up no matter what stage you’re in. It won’t help you and just makes you feel bad.

² Like I said, been there, done that, and it wasn’t so long ago. No beatin’ yourselves up if this is where you are. It’s not productive, but it doesn’t make you bad.

³ Don’t go overboard with this. If you don’t thrive in a household where there’s a lot of shouting or little privacy, you don’t. Just do your very best to detach how you thrive emotionally from a dependence on other people’s behaviors.

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