Comments on: Before You Do the Deed! http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/10/08/before-you-do-the-deed/ Wielding the Stick of Grandmotherly Kindness Thu, 28 Aug 2008 03:48:14 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.1 By: Kit http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/10/08/before-you-do-the-deed/#comment-1791 Kit Tue, 09 Oct 2007 16:34:56 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/10/08/before-you-do-the-deed/#comment-1791 Choice, IMHO ... If it were really about 'my body, my choice' : f it were about bodies, we'd be fine with whatever choices men made that are money centered - because we have that same right- we DO get the choice over our bodies, we WANT the choice over men's wallets. Men should be allowed choice as well- the choice to step away from the responsibility of parenthood , heck, with a legal notification of impending 'you're gonna be a dad' and 90 days to fish or cut bait would be fine by me, even ! But choice isn't always really about our bodies - deep down it's about some inherent right to make a life altering decision for 3 people, by ONE person. If the child mattered most, giving a child up for an open adoptions is a very loving choice- but it's emotionally VERY difficult. That's not about best interests of the child either. It's emotional - and there is nothing better in the world than love - but it's STILL emotional blackmail to insist that men have no right to choice over their wallets, while we pretend it's about our bodies. Choice, IMHO …
If it were really about ‘my body, my choice’ :
f it were about bodies, we’d be fine with whatever choices men made that are money centered - because we have that same right- we DO get the choice over our bodies, we WANT the choice over men’s wallets.
Men should be allowed choice as well- the choice to step away from the responsibility of parenthood , heck, with a legal notification of impending ‘you’re gonna be a dad’ and 90 days to fish or cut bait would be fine by me, even !
But choice isn’t always really about our bodies - deep down it’s about some inherent right to make a life altering decision for 3 people, by ONE person.
If the child mattered most, giving a child up for an open adoptions is a very loving choice- but it’s emotionally VERY difficult.
That’s not about best interests of the child either. It’s emotional - and there is nothing better in the world than love - but it’s STILL emotional blackmail to insist that men have no right to choice over their wallets, while we pretend it’s about our bodies.

]]> By: Davora http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/10/08/before-you-do-the-deed/#comment-1765 Davora Mon, 08 Oct 2007 22:01:47 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/10/08/before-you-do-the-deed/#comment-1765 While it may be tacky for a woman to decide that an abortion is not actually a good choice for her, if a person fathers a child, regardless of previous agreements, he is legally obligated to provide for that child (I would argue ethically obligated as well). It's a child's legal right to at least financial support from his/her father, and it is tacky and, to me, disgusting, for a man to refuse to support a kid that *he* brought into this world too because the kid's mom went back on her word. While it may be tacky for a woman to decide that an abortion is not actually a good choice for her, if a person fathers a child, regardless of previous agreements, he is legally obligated to provide for that child (I would argue ethically obligated as well). It’s a child’s legal right to at least financial support from his/her father, and it is tacky and, to me, disgusting, for a man to refuse to support a kid that *he* brought into this world too because the kid’s mom went back on her word.

]]> By: Cherie http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/10/08/before-you-do-the-deed/#comment-1757 Cherie Mon, 08 Oct 2007 18:31:22 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/10/08/before-you-do-the-deed/#comment-1757 Ahh.. so this is why all the increased traffic to my website :) Thanks a bunch for the link and the compliments on my article. And thanks for addressing this very important topic. - Cherie Ahh.. so this is why all the increased traffic to my website :) Thanks a bunch for the link and the compliments on my article. And thanks for addressing this very important topic.
- Cherie

]]> By: David http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/10/08/before-you-do-the-deed/#comment-1747 David Mon, 08 Oct 2007 12:25:36 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/10/08/before-you-do-the-deed/#comment-1747 The point about telling those who need to know when contraception fails or you've behaved in a riskier manner than you've already negotiated (and you did negotiate this out beforehand, right?) is one well worth making. Having put on the Dunce's Cap and had to tell those around that they should get tested just to be sure and safe (everyone tested negative for those whole potential shooting match of STIs thankfully) I can say that while I may not have been flavour of the month when I had to sit down and talk it out, my honesty was duly appreciated, at least. The point about telling those who need to know when contraception fails or you’ve behaved in a riskier manner than you’ve already negotiated (and you did negotiate this out beforehand, right?) is one well worth making.

Having put on the Dunce’s Cap and had to tell those around that they should get tested just to be sure and safe (everyone tested negative for those whole potential shooting match of STIs thankfully) I can say that while I may not have been flavour of the month when I had to sit down and talk it out, my honesty was duly appreciated, at least.

]]> By: Kit http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/10/08/before-you-do-the-deed/#comment-1746 Kit Mon, 08 Oct 2007 12:18:36 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/10/08/before-you-do-the-deed/#comment-1746 In the visceral response category - it's very difficult to predict how anyone will react- fathers too . BTDT. So I'd suggest that while adults ARE bound to their agreements, it's also important to err on the side of love... If you'ved promised a certain level of support- by all means provide it. But if you've promised to stay away IF, or to NOT be a parent if.. and you've changed your mind- it's NEVER wrong to communicate that. It may not change anyone's mind, and certainly don't use your new feelings as a bludgeon, but DO communicate how you feel ! In the visceral response category - it’s very difficult to predict how anyone will react- fathers too .
BTDT.
So I’d suggest that while adults ARE bound to their agreements, it’s also important to err on the side of love…
If you’ved promised a certain level of support- by all means provide it.
But if you’ve promised to stay away IF, or to NOT be a parent if..
and you’ve changed your mind- it’s NEVER wrong to communicate that.
It may not change anyone’s mind, and certainly don’t use your new feelings as a bludgeon, but DO communicate how you feel !

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