The Polyamorous Misanthrope

That pantheistic, mystical “Thou art God!” chorus that runs through the book is not offered as a creed, but as an existentialist assumption of personal responsibility, devoid of all godding. It says, “Don’t appeal for mercy to God the Father up in the sky, little man, because he’s not at home and never was at home, and couldn’t care less. What you do with yourself, whether you are happy or unhappy–live or die–is strictly your business and the universe doesn’t care. In fact, you may be be the universe and the only cause for your troubles. But, at best, the most you can hope for is comradeship with comrades no more divine (or just as divine) as you are. So quit sniveling and face up to it — “Thou art God!”

– October 21, 1960 Robert A. Heinlein to Lurton Blassingame

Grumbles from the Grave, Virginia G. Heinlein, ed.

It’s all your creation.

No, really, it is. Your entire life is what you made it.

No, don’t tell me how rotten your parents were to you, or tell me horror stories about bad partners. Not saying that what got done to you might not have sucked. It probably did. I’ve heard some horror stories in my time and I am genuinely sorry for anyone who has had a rough time. I ain’t trying to blow off the fact that things happen that really are terrible.

Thing is, no matter what got done to you, what you did with it is actually what makes your life.

And what makes your life is utterly, totally and completely up to you.

You’re free. Right now. In this very second, you are completely free to choose what you want to do with your life.  You might feel like this is not so, but I promise you that who you are, where you are and what you are is due to the choices you made.   If you do not like any of these things, you are free to make different choices to change them.

“Free to choose” does not mean that your choice will be easy, or the execution of a particular desire will be automatic. That’s where a lot of people trip up. They think if it ain’t easy, or if it’s got a heavy price, then they aren’t really free.  Many times, choices can have a heavy price, indeed.  But don’t think you can escape the price of your choices.

Friends, life doesn’t work that way.

“‘Thou art God.’ It’s not a message of cheer and hope, Jubal. It’s a defiance–and an unafraid unabashed assumption of personal responsibility… But I rarely put it over… The notion that the effort has to be their own… and that all the trouble they are in is of their own doing.. is one they can’t or won’t entertain.”

Thing is, even if you do accept this personal responsibility, there’s one more great nasty pitfall waiting for you.

Guilt.

God, what a horrid, poisonous little barb that can be. You can choose to be paralyzed by it. You have one more escape clause if you want to avoid taking responsibility for yourself. You can choose to hate yourself, and not act because you’re so rotten — because you made such bad and foolish and unloving and unworkable choices.  You can hate yourself down into your bones for how terrible you are, and then you can be paralyzed from acting and wave your bleeding wounds like a flag.

If you think I’m saying that self hatred is a form of procrastination and laziness, you’re very right. It is. Hating yourself is a block to change, or trying to weasel out of accepting what is. Think about it, if I want to be able to bench press 40 lbs, and I can only bench 12, hating myself is not going to help. Lifting that 12 lbs until it’s easy and then lifting something that’s heavier is what’s going to do the real good. The only thing self-hatred and guilt is going to do is give you a socially acceptable excuse not to try.  People pity those in pain, as they should, but sometimes it’s weaseling. It also lets you avoid confronting the idea that maybe you don’t particularly want to work on whatever it is you feel guilty about. Me? I say step up to the plate and admit you don’t want to work on whatever it is and let it go. You’re already dealing with the consequences of your choices, so what the hell?

It’s a very freeing feeling to realize that everything you do, you choose to do. It’s also a great way to get rid of the guilt monster.

Not too long ago, one of my kids was ill and up a lot in the night. I got very little sleep attending to the child. Now, I normally get up around 0500 so that I can be at the gym to work out when it opens¹. I chose not to go and swim that morning. Not “I was up with a sick child and could not go”. I chose not to go. Conscious. Decided. Understanding the consequences. <grin> I also chose to lose sleep to attend to the child². Because I knew these were conscious choices, I did spend my time frustrated at what was going on, but simply dealt with what was in front of me free from any anger or resentment at loss of sleep.

Tonight, I am choosing to have my favorite Appletini.  As a beginning bodybuilder, I know that alcohol adds excess calories that do nothing to help build muscles — indeed is catabolic to them, and suppresses the testosterone I need to build muscle, while preventing fat metabolism.  I accept this choice.  I will never look like a fitness model choosing this.  And I am choosing to enjoy my drink.  Because I am choosing it with open eyes, I have the opportunity to look at it free of guilt and self hatred and any of that foolishness.

Facing up to the fact that everything you do is something you’re choosing can be difficult. Sometimes you learn some not so flattering things about yourself³. Sometimes you take a good, hard look and realize you’ve been making some choices that are very pleasing to you, indeed.

But in all ways it is freeing. It frees you from resentment, because you accept that everything you do is a choice. How can you resent someone else if you’re the one choosing? It frees you to act with wisdom because you’re conscious that every minute you’re choosing your behavior, and constructing your future.

¹I’m not really all that fond of working out, but I want to get stronger. So I choose to go early and get it out of the way so I don’t wind up wasting time making excuses.

²Of course it was a choice. People do choose not to look after their children, after all. It’s not a choice I admire, but it’s a choice.

³And learning to face up to that without using the escape of self-hatred is quite the challenge!

We talk about the polyamory mantra being communicate, communicate, communicate. Do I agree with it? Good Lord, yes! Communication is the cornerstone of a good relationship. When you stop communicating, things fall apart.

Most people who’ve been on this spinning globe more than twelve years or so have had the dubious pleasure of entering into a situation where people are flapping their tongues at each other with about as much noise, but less information delivered than if they’d been Howler Monkeys. At least with Howler Monkeys you know what they really want is for you to go away.

I want to outline a few things that communication is not.

Communication is not agreement.

“My partner won’t stop seeing his SO with the drug problem who keeps stealing from my purse. I feel like we’re not communicating here.”

We’ve all heard stuff like this. If you’ve stated, “I don’t like it when you’re involved with people who steal from me” and stated it that baldly, the problem isn’t communication. It’s that you’ve got a partner that isn’t agreeing with you. Different other problem. The statement was also a little badly-framed, as you’re still directing the other person’s behavior. A better way to put it would be, “I don’t like it when there are people in my life that steal from me.” and outline what steps you’ll take to keep from being stolen from, up to and including leaving the relationship).

Sometimes when you’re communicating effectively, you’ll find out that you might not be in agreement about something. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re communicating badly. It might mean… well, you don’t agree! My son and I have hung up on this one a few times. He’s still at the stage where he thinks if he explains Transformers well enough to me, I’ll get the point and become a fan. That’s not gonna happen any more than if I tried explain how cool it is to get up at five in the morning and go out in the cold to hit the pool and swim laps until I’m out of breath. I can talk until I’m blue in the face about the sleek feel of the water over my body, the sense of accomplishment when I come home to the hedonistic pleasure of a bowl of plain oatmeal. He’s still gonna look at me like I’m Calvin’s dad or something. We don’t agree. We’ve communicated our viewpoints well, thoroughly and clearly. We’re just never gonna agree on it.

I make part of my living teaching various MS Office programs. As a teacher, I often lecture. You teachers out there are probably already grinning and nodding, knowing where I’m going with this.

When you lecture, you’re looking for feedback, scanning your audience for clues that they understand, that they’re absorbing the information. You stop at frequent intervals to ask if there are any questions or comments. You do everything you can to make sure that you’re getting feedback. If you stop getting feedback, it’s become a one-way deal. It’s okay to stop trying at that point. In fact, it’s a good idea. You can go back to it, later, when people are ready to communication. (If they stop wanting to communicate, again, you’ve got a different problem. You cannot make someone want to communicate).

Effective communication is about giving the accurate information, not telling the other person what to do with it.

The point of communication is to help everyone make as accurate choices as possible (though we know nothing is perfect). If you, say, hate country music, saying you hate it might not be enough information. You might never want to hear it ever. Then a partner knows not to invite you to the Willie Nelson concert. If you dislike it, but are willing to put up with it to hang out with someone, you can say that, and the person knows that hang out time is valuable enough to you that you’d like to go with him to see Willie. But, even if you can deal with country, but your partner has another partner who adores it and would be eager to see that concert. Just because you communicated that hang out time is important, your partner doesn’t owe you that concert. He might decide any of a number of things based on a dozen factors (as do you). The best choices are usually made with the most accurate information. So your job is to give such (and ask for it!)

So yes, communication is the cornerstone of a decent relationship, do doubt about it.  But don’t expect “good communication” to mean, “this is the way to get other people to do what I want most of the time”.  That’s not what good communication is about.

In any physical art you study, be it dance, martial arts, swimming, or team sport, one day, you’ll go to class or practice and the coach/teacher will announce with an evil gleam to the eyes, “We’re drilling the basics today.”

The beginners won’t react much. They’re still learning, after all, and any basics drill is going to be covering new material.

The intermediates will groan, restrain from showing any eye rolling, and be frustrated. They know this stuff!

The really advanced? They’ll be nodding their heads internally. Yep, yep, yep, it’s about time for another good basics drill, they’ll be thinkin’.

With that in mind, we’ll be looking at the basics of polyamory today.

1. It’s about love. Polyamory is a Greco-Latin abomination of a construction that means “Many Loves”. If you’re not coming from a place of love, you need to go back and find that first. It’s the most important thing. No, really. I’m serious. If it ain’t about love, it ain’t worth bothering with. Make sure what you’re doing is really love, first.
2. Communicate, communicate, communicate. This is often called the Polyamory Mantra and it’s called that for a reason. If you do not let your loves know what’s going on in your head, and paying careful attention to what is going on in theirs, you’re asking for trouble. Do remember that communication is a two-way street. Stephen Covey of “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” fame says, “Seek first to understand, then be understood.” This is fantastic relationship advice, not only for romantic relationships, but for any human interactions. Humans need ¹ to feel understood. Communicate. It’s like taking food from someone’s mouth not to do so.
3. Polyamory won’t solve your relationship problems. I once commented Polyamory will mercilessly expose any cracks you have in your relationship. I stand by that more firmly than ever. If you’re bored with your partner, the two (or more) of you aren’t getting along, if you’re losing that spark? Please, please, please don’t be one of those “Relationship’s broken, add more people” types! It doesn’t work, it won’t help and it’ll wreak havoc on all involved. Solve your internal problems first, then decide if you want to branch out or not. But make for damn’ sure your original relationships are solid. ²
4. It’s about love. Love. It’s about love –not the slippery bits stuff (delightful, though that is!) Wasn’t kidding when I said it was about coming from a place of love.
5. Know Thyself. If you don’t know yourself, you can’t know some crucial things that permit you to be able to be loving and have a good relationship. Do you know what your boundaries are? If you don’t, you sure as heck cannot communicate them! Do you know what you want? I mean do you know what you really want? Can’t ask for it until you know. Make sure you know!
6. Know Thy Partner. You’d be hard put to come up with a more loving act than to take the time and energy to get to know someone down into their bones in a way that does not frighten them or barge into their vulnerabilities. It’s a courting process that’s actually far more difficult than getting someone into bed. It’s also a process that takes years. Yeah, yeah, I know you feel that wonderful connection when you fall in love. Feels great. That’s not what I’m talking about. This takes years. Puttin’ in those years is a fantastic act of love. (Opening up and helping the other person really know you is also such an act. Courageous, too, ’cause that’s vulnerable as all hell!)
7. It’s about love. I keep reiterating this and I hope I’m not too boring. Thing is, when I’m talking about love, I’m not talking about some pansy-assed, fluffybunny nonsense about “feeling positively” towards someone. I mean the real thing, from the blood and from the bone. I mean the force that gets you up in the middle of the night to attend to a sick kid. I mean the force that gives you the courage to be vulnerable. I mean the force that gives you the energy to focus all your attention on someone so that you can “know” them — and yeah, I do mean Biblically. There’s a reason that expression exists <grin>.

In fact, I challenge my readers, experienced polys or not, to come up with what they think are a good set of “polyamory basics” — things to think about that you can go back to on a routine basis as a checkup to see how you’re doing in your relationships.

Until next week, behave yourselves, my poly chillun.

Mama Java, out…

¹Many of my faithful readers will note I seldom use the word “need” when talking about anything other than physical things that keep you from dying. Guess what? A human that does not feel understood at all by at least one other person is a suicide waiting to happen.
²Barring that, have the balls to end and clean up the detritus from the old relationship before starting new ones if you think the old one is broken beyond repair. Suck it up and own your own shit, first!

An article has zipped around the polyamory community in the past week. An advice columnist answered a letter from a polyamorous reader. A lot of people didn’t like the answer the columnist gave. No, I’m not going to sound off about it. What I want to do today is talk a bit about my own hopes for when you in the poly community choose to make your voice heard on issues. In our culture of instant communications, we get responses quickly to almost anything we put out there. Email makes feedback easy and fast. Now, I think this is great, but I also think there’s a drawback. I mean, who hasn’t shot out an off-the-cuff email in a fit of pique that you wish you hadn’t? When you respond to people in the media about polyamory, it’s important to keep a few things in mind:

1. The person is likely to know dick about polyamory.The Dan Savages of the world are the exception, not the rule. Expect your mainstream journalist to be mainstream. The mainstream is not well-educated about Polyamory.
2. If you respond at all you will make a strong impression The polyamory community isn’t very big. If you respond, instead of being one of hundreds of letters, you’ll be one of dozens at most. Perhaps in time this will change, but the pool of poly people that spend a lot of time speaking up on issues is still small.
3. If you want a polyamory to be seen in a positive light, you must present yourself positively. I’m sure this isn’t really necessary, but if you’re going to write someone in the media about how poly was portrayed, be a grown-up about it. No name-calling, no insults to intelligence or education. Be polite. Be well-spoken/written. Pretend you think grammar, punctuation and spelling count, even if you don’t. If you’re writing a writer, nothing will make you look like an idiot faster than a poorly-spelled, badly-punctuated vituperative block of invective. Save that kind of thing for the warm up, but let your final draft be calm, factual, kind and reasoned.

We’re in a unique and exciting position in the poly community right now. We have a lot of power to influence how poly is perceived. Isn’t that cool?

Me? I think it’ll be good for all of us if we use that power wisely.