“I *could* like without you. I’d just really rather not.”

Coming at this from the perspective of someone who did polyamory for a while and gave it up: It’s interesting that the above sentiment is so often upheld as a reason for being polyamorous. Whatever reason an individual person has for being poly within an emotionally healthy context, with consenting adult partners, etc., is OK, but can I just say that you don’t HAVE to be poly to accomplish being your own person? It is possible to have some of your psycho-emotional needs met by your partner and/or other people, while NOT making relationship/romantic partners out of those other people, and STILL be your own person.

I am not trying to convert anyone here, but it seems like people trap themselves in all manner of mental boxes and think they “have” to be one way or another. Then, five years down the road they figure out they were approaching everything all wrong from the word “go” and wound up making the wrong choice for themselves. It’s kinda sad.

Financial needs are but one thing. Emotional needs are far more disabling in a relationship. I have found that in relationships I am the only one responsible for filling my emotional needs. Not burdening others with that frees them as well as me.

Ivonne

If you “need someone” because you can’t get laid otherwise, you got a lot more problems than can be dealt with in one half-hour session.

But it’s not necessary to get one’s needs for love, sex and a sense of belonging from one individual – nor, I think, is it wise. Certainly, the more I’ve learned to reach out beyond partnered relationships for some of my psycho-emotional needs, the better those partnerships have become, because they are willing partnerships among equals. Nobody likes being held hostage to another’s needs.

I’m not a non-partner non-equal because, unlike the women you describe, I do know that I have marketable skills. I chose this path on my own and my partner supported my decision. I could choose otherwise any day I like and he’d be equally supportive. That’s what really makes it work – listening to each others dreams and desires and supporting the process it takes to achieve them.

Should my husband die tomorrow, or we get a divorce today, I know where to go to get any help I’d need, and I know that I could get a normal 9-5 with very little effort. I think that everyone should know what to do in such an instance, just like knowing where the escape routes in your house are if there is ever a fire. You don’t wish for the worst, but you certainly plan for how you will cope with it. Anyone NOT doing that in their relationship is taking for granted the permanency of their relationship and their partners mortality, and setting themselves up for one hard life lesson.

*rummages about for URL*

here ya go:

http://ucsub.colorado.edu/~rcrane/sweet.htm