Comments on: Online Support

By: JenK

JenK — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 02:34:51 +0000

Re: grammar. First, someone who cannot communicate in writing is best served by an in-person meetup / support group. By “cannot communicate in writing” I do not mean someone who spells “a lot” “alot”; I mean someone whose explanations of their poly relationships has so many errors that it appears one is fucking one’s spouse’s parents, or some such.

If the meaning is clear but scattered with typos and unneeded apostrophes and so forth, some readers will be distracted and some won’t. How distracting it will be depends on the individual readers. How welcome the person will be depends on the group as a whole.

Usually on LJ I ignore the typos and so on. But if the post flat doesn’t make sense, then I assume the person posting won’t be able to make sense of any reply….

By: Jay

Jay — Sun, 23 Dec 2007 07:25:23 +0000

This is true. However for some that may have dyslexia? Writing can be a struggle. Especially when it is a struggle to express the thoughts inside one’s brain. College degree’s and title are not a measure of intelligence. The smartest man I ever knew was an auto mechanic. He fixed cars, but I found his advice of affairs of the heart to be most helpful. Not to mention his knowledge of Scottish History and The Roman Empire. But he had real life experience, empathy and common sense. Something that is sorely lacking amongst many in the poly circles.

By: Goddess of Java

Goddess of Java — Sun, 23 Dec 2007 01:59:27 +0000

Well, Jay, if you’re displeased with your grammar skills, you have a choice to improve them.

By: Jay

Jay — Sun, 23 Dec 2007 01:19:04 +0000

*Behind* oops. As I said I know I suck at grammar.

By: Jay

Jay — Sun, 23 Dec 2007 01:18:14 +0000

I also might add if you have bad grammar? be careful. The poly LJ community is filled with grammar nazi’s. Which I find funny because you have a masters degree and you work at Starbucks? Some people have a knack of pointing out tiny grammatical flaws and some people make lots of money. Remember, Bill Gates is a college dropout. Others are poly and can’t keep a relationship while other are able to maintaining long-lasting one’s. It also helps to have a thick-skin and roll with it. Because anyone can make snarky comments behing a computer screen, yet if they were confronted? they would run. In my opinion those who attack others on-line? they were probably bullied as kids and are a bunch of resentful geeks who resented those who have better people skills.

By: Kate m.

Kate m. — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 01:51:04 +0000

I’d also add that finding a group is only so helpful - it does take a lot of work to find the right one for you and I think you’ve got some good qualifications. The next step I think is to *participate.* I think many people find themselves nodding along and going “uh huh, uh huh. Well, obviously!” when reading other people’s posts and queries… but don’t put out their own queries because either duh, they know it all already by reading, or they can’t handle the feedback. That makes them ineffective members at best, and the community is really only so helpful.

By: Rainy

Rainy — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 17:09:35 +0000

I do agree with Kit. When you’ve been on a group for a while, it does get hard to post your own stuff. Especially when you are involved in a relationship network with other members on the same board/group.

By: dave

dave — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 16:17:59 +0000

This reminds me of when they tried to start a f2f poly group at a church we were attending. First off, the invitation, posted on the church bulletin board, hinted at the joys of group sex. And when we attended, about a half hour into it I asked out loud, “Are we the only people here who have actually DONE this?” Lots of theory, very little practice in the group (beyond some 1970s swinging).

Which brings up another point… here are (some of) the kinds of people seeking support online:
1. Newbies (curious)
2. Newbies (first-timers)
3. People who don’t learn from their mistakes
4. Drama queens seeking validation
5. Cheaters seeking validation
6. Victims of #5 cheaters seeking understanding/justice/retaliation

As time has worn on, I have little patience anymore except for the #2 folks. So I’m not much for the support groups.

By: Pete

Pete — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 15:21:47 +0000

“Beware the social engineers!”

Love Love LOVE this. I want this warning etched into a brass plaque for my door.

By: Kiki

Kiki — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 15:15:50 +0000

As an active member of more than one online poly support group, I’d also like to add that it’s very helpful for new people to spend some time reading and familiarizing themselves with the kinds of questions and answers on a particular group before jumping in with a question of their own.

It’s one thing to be a newbie, but it’s another to totally misjudge the tone of a group and start asking questions that are neither relevant nor welcome (eg. asking how to fix your polyfi relationship in a forum that consists of mostly poly people who are also swingers). It’s perfectly ok to be new and inexperienced, but being clueless can be avoided with a bit of preparation.