The Polyamorous Misanthrope

Sure, you can fly, but that cocoon has gotta go!

When we’re newly poly, especially if we’re fortunate enough to have found a poly community in which to participate, it is not unusual to dive into this new community with joy and excitement.

Naw, I’m not gonna knock that. Joy and excitement are good things. Community is good, too.

What I am going to caution you to do is keep your head on straight when you do it. There’s a wide world out there. Some of ‘em are poly, but plenty of ‘em aren’t.

Being understood is a heady feeling, and goodness knows that being understood and accepted for your sexuality in this crazy society ranks right on up there with one of the great joys in life. It’s a human desire to feel accepted by one’s community, and it’s a fantastic feeling.

I encourage anyone who is involved in various poly communities to keep touch with the wider world. Don’t surround yourself in an enclave and leave the rest of the world behind. It’s tempting, it’s seductive, but don’t do it.

To get a reality check, you have to look at reality — that means your poly world, but it means the monogamous world, too. There’s a lot about monogamy that I actually don’t agree with. The basic paradigms don’t suit my worldview at all. But I keep looking, and I keep watching people. The reason I do this is a little selfish, I admit.

You see, if you keep watching, you may learn something.

You won’t be able to watch if you cut yourself off.

So I have some questions for you, the poly people:

1. Are you involved with a polyamory community? Do you make contacts and talk to people who are similar to you? Yes, you’ll need support for being a weirdo from time to time.
2. Are you involved with a community that is not polyamory-based? This could be a religious group, social organization, professional org… almost anything? There’s more to your life than your sexuality. What are you into, what do you do that’s not based on romantic relationships that causes your eyes to light up and your soul to tingle to create?
3. Are you involved with any charitable work? This could be something as mundane as volunteering at your kid’s school or picking up trash beside the road. It could be something a little more involved. There’s more to life than your own interests.

What I’m saying here is that being poly is cool, but for goodness sake, have a Life rather than a Lifestyle!

Happy, well-rounded people are good “positive press” for polyamory, too, so you could call it a form a community work to show that <grin>

Franklin Veaux is a long-time polyamory writer and commentator. He’s still working on a book about polyamory. I encourage you to poke him to finish the damn thing! I wanna promote it here, dammit.

First things first: Basic stats. Who are you *grin*, what got you into polyamory and how long have you been poly?

Hmm. “Who am I” sounds like a philosophical question. I could say “the future ruler of all mankind,” but I’ve recently discovered I’m actually much too much of an optimist to be a proper evil overlord.

I can’t say that anything ever “got” me into polyamory, so much as it’s the way I’ve always been. I remember even as a kid thinking that the idea of one and only one partner didn’t make very much sense. Why should the fairy-tale princess need to pick one of her two suitors?

Princesses live in castles; everyone knows this. A castle has plenty of room for both of them, right?

My first relationships were always non-monogamous, even though I didn’t have the word “polyamory” back then. I took two people to my high school senior prom, and I lost my virginity to my best friend’s girlfriend, with his knowledge. Looking back, the three of us were struggling toward what would now be called a “V” relationship, though at the time we didn’t really have the language or the models to put to it.

That was actually something of an ongoing problem while I was trying to learn how to navigate around this relationship stuff–I knew that the normal way of doing relationships didn’t make a whole lot of sense, but I didn’t have any models for what I was trying to do, and didn’t know anyone else who was trying to do the same things. As a result, I ended up making quite an astonishing number of very basic mistakes. Experience is a good teacher, but the tuition tends to be very high. Had anything like a poly community existed back then, I might still have some folks in my life today who are not part of my life any more.

My GOODNESS you’ve got a big… website *wink*. When did you get started with it and what caused you to start writing it?

The first iteration of the poly Web site went up in August of 1999.

The Web site originally didn’t start out to be poly-related at all. A former business partner and I had founded a small-press magazine called Xero magazine, and in 1996 we set up a Web site for the magazine, hosted on his brother’s server. The site gradually started to expand past its intended function; in 1998 I added my own personal section to it, which had a gallery of black and white photography, and in 1999 I added sections on BDSM and polyamory.

It’s kind of spread out a bit since then. I’ve been adding new sections to it ever since; the last new page in the poly section went up two weeks ago. It’s the Web equivalent of the city of Atlanta–the result of years of unrestrained urban sprawl. Not as many pot holes as Atlanta, but a lot more typos.

My original goal in writing it was to provide the kind of information I wished I’d had access to when I first started trying to make non- monogamy work. That’s still the goal–to provide a practical, hands- on toolkit for getting multiple relationships to succeed, without the paganism, New Age spirituality, or Tantric sex mysticism I tend to see on other poly-related sites. (That’s not a criticism of any of those things, mind; it’s just that they have nothing directly to do with polyamory.)

I think that when a person becomes deeply involved in two or more subcultures, there can be a tendency to conflate them; a person who is pagan and also polyamorous might see the two as being connected when really they’re not. A person can be polyamorous without being pagan, or pagan without being polyamorous. My site has a lot of information on a wide range of different things–BDSM, transhumanism, and so forth–but these things aren’t related to polyamory, and a person who’s interested in polyamory doesn’t have to be interested in them as well.

Two of the sections of the site were originally created for presentations that Cherie ve Ard and I did at the Florida Poly Retreat a while back.

You’re quite publicly involved with the polyamory community. What got you started with it and why?

For many years, I was married to a woman who did (and still does) identify as “monogamous.” This presented some unique challenges on top of the challenges of being polyamorous in a culture where polyamory is not the norm, and of trying to figure out how to make things work without having anyone else in a similar situation to talk to.

After we’d moved to Tampa, I got an email inviting me to a meeting of a group called PolyTampa. One of the founders of PolyTampa had seen my Web site and noticed we were fellow Tampa residents.

PolyTampa is, to my knowledge, one of the oldest poly groups in the country. It ad originally been founded as a gay and lesbian poly support group; the original founders were active in the gay and lesbian community.

The first meeting of PolyTampa we attended was also attended by someone I’d known peripherally from the science fiction fandom community, but never been formally introduced to. That’s really what kept me going (and she and her family are still close friends of mine as a result, to this very day).

PolyTampa has gone through several iterations since then. As the gay and lesbian community became less hostile to polyamory, the original “core group” of people gradually fell away, and it became a support group for poly folks of all stripes. For several years, I was one of the regular hosts for the group, which at the time tended to meet in members’ homes. More recently, as people have found it easier to connect with other poly folks in online forums, PolyTampa has become less of a support group, and today it’s more of a social group. I moved away from Tampa a couple years ago, but PolyTampa is still active.

I met a number of my current friends through PolyTampa including Cherie; she and her partners at the time were highly involved in poly activism, and in one way or another have been instrumental in the formation of a number of poly groups and events. Getting involved as an active part of the poly community seemed like a natural extension of the Web site.

If there’s just one thing that you think a poly person should grok and practice, what would that be?

“Just because I feel bad doesn’t mean someone else did something wrong.”

Seriously. If there were one rule of life with even greater power for good than the Golden Rule, that’d be it.

In any relationship of any type, polyamorous or not, shit happens.

There will be times when folks feel threatened or insecure; there will be things that happen that make folks feel bad. One thing that tends to happen when someone feels threatened or insecure or otherwise experiences negative emotions is that it becomes easy to point to other people and say “You did this! You caused me to feel this way! You have wronged me!”

A lot of people in the poly community will say that feelings are always valid. I’m something of a heretic; I don’t believe that’s true. You feel what you feel, and trying to force yourself to feel something different doesn’t work…but that doesn’t mean that the feeling is “valid.”

What I mean by that is that sometimes, the things we feel aren’t telling us the truth. We may feel threatened by things that are not really a threat; we may feel unloved or unwanted when in reality we are loved and cherished. When you’re in the grip of some negative emotion, it can be very, very difficult indeed to tell yourself that the things you’re feeling aren’t necessarily based in fact, and you’re not necessarily feeling these things because someone has wronged you. But keeping those ideas in mind can help you to deal with the negative feelings in positive and constructive ways, and work toward resolving whatever is lying at their root, rather than lashing out that the people around you or trying to control their behavior to steer them around your own emotional triggers.

Raise your hand if you’ve developed a friendship or a relationship online.

Betcha a doughnut that just about everyone reading this has had one.

This means a fair whack of you have had that weird beast in your life — the Long-Distance Relationship (LDR).

Communications and networking being what they are, we simply do see a lot of interaction conducted online over long distances. When romance gets thrown in, it can be a lot of fun or a big mess, depending on how you conduct it.

To ensure that it’s fun, keep a few of these things in mind:

Texual communication has its limits.

Sure, you can feel close to someone through online communication. You can exchange your thoughts, feelings, secrets, inner desires, and all that. It’s great. But the physical component does make a difference. Studies show that over half of our communication is non-verbal, so that missing component can be significant.

I recall some years ago finding the writing of someone a pain in the butt to deal with. All I could see was the text. I wound up meeting the person and dating him for a few years. When I could tie his writing to what I knew to be his vocal mannerisms and body language, I wound up interpreting texual communication very differently.

I’ve found this in myself as well. People who’ve met me in person are considerably more likely to see humor in my casual texual communication because they know the facial expressions that go along with certain modes of expression.

It’s a human trait. Keep that in mind when you meet someone on the Internet.

Meetings are “vacation time”. Do not mistake how fun they are with what living together would be like.

When you get together in meatspace with your LDR, it’s a “special event”. You’re up, you’re on, you’re more likely to be glittering (or at least making an effort). This person does not get the dailyness of you.

There’s nothing in the world wrong with enjoying that specialness. I find my visits with my FWB delightful because of the break in routine. We have a good time together — which, to me, is kinda the point. But, that vacation, that fun, that sense of adventure even when things are going All Wrong? Unless that is your natural state of being,¹ it’s not going to stick in any relationship where you’re hanging out on a day to day basis. That sort of thing is more about who you are, not who you think you are in relation to someone else.

Don’t let the LDR keep you from living in the present.

“Now” is all you have. Yes, yes, yes, spend time communicating with your long-distance loves. Don’t drop the rest of your life in the face of it. The house still needs cleaning, you still need to make sure you’re paying attention to the kids. Oh, yeah, that partner you’re with… your local SO(s) needs attention, too. That life you had before the LDR? It’s still there. But it won’t be if you don’t live it.

If you are planning to move closer to each other, don’t put your life on hold until this becomes a reality. If you have goals and projects, for goodness’ sake keep working on them in the meantime! You could get hit by a truck. The world could explode. Do you want your life to have been lived “on hold” because you were waiting for something exciting?

Enjoy it for exactly what it is.

There’s a lot to be said for having a relationship where there are short bursts of intense fun. That’s a good, real and valid thing to do. Fun counts. It counts for a lot! So, don’t knock it or dismiss it as less “serious” or less “worthy”!

And remember everyone, the PolyWorks Fund Logo Contest is ending in a couple of weeks!  Click on the link to find out more.

¹And if it is, bless you for adding joy to the world!

I’ve been watching on several polyamory boards to see people trying to make themselves okay with being in polyamorous relationships. I’ve seen descriptions of people feeling like their hearts are being ripped out. I’ve seen descriptions of people wanting to curl into a ball and cry while their partners are with other people. I’ve even had communication with people who wanted me to help them be okay with having sex with people they didn’t want to sleep with, but partners wanted them to because they thought that was “how you did poly”¹.

I find these posts heartbreaking.

Poly is not martyrdom, and taking pride in being a martyr isn’t going to help you live to the fullest. If you hate it, if it feels wrong, if you feel dirty or betrayed or like you have to force yourself into something:

Maybe poly isn’t for you.

It’s not an enlightened way to be. It’s just a choice that works for some people. It’s a preference that has no more to do with goodness, enlightenment or value than preferring linguine to rice.

There are dozens of reasons why people make themselves try to be okay with poly. Maybe she don’t want to lose a beloved partner. Maybe her partner tried monogamy for her and was unhappy. Maybe they saw it as a way to try to stay together. These things all look so loving and noble. I’m all for love, I really am. I just don’t think that going through pain and suffering is somehow the hallmark of a “worthy relationship”. I don’t find choosing suffering necessarily noble. It’s too close to the mindset of the woman who is proud of herself for her endurance when it comes to accepting an abusive mate.

I’m not saying polyamorous/monogamous pairing are bad². Not at all! But in the good ones, the monogamous member isn’t curling up in a ball when his polyamorous partner is out with another love, either. In a healthy poly/mono pairing, the monogamous partner has his own full life, ya know. She’s not curled into a ball weeping when her partner isn’t with her. He’s got friends and projects and family and is living a busy, happy life — when his partner is around and when he’s alone.

I’m also not saying that twinges of discomfort are reasons to drop a relationship. There’s an enormous difference between, “Dammit, I feel lonely and at a loose end and wish I were out having fun, too” and curling up in a little ball and crying your eyes out because you feel so abandoned, alone and unloved. The healthiest of people have down times and the best relationships do, too.

So what do you do when you’re really not okay with poly and your partner is unhappy monogamous?

That’s a rough one. I’ve been accused, since reviving the Polyamorous Misanthrope column, of seeing relationships as disposable. Nothing could be further from the truth. Commodities are disposable. People and relationships are not commodities. Relationships are forever and always about individuals humans and the different ways we merge and change and bump against each other.

I do not believe that there is any great value in white-knuckling it through a romantic relationship. Suck it up and deal to make sure the kids are properly taken care of and nurtured? Sure. I will point out that doesn’t require a romantic relationship³.

I’m increasingly of the opinion that the only good ways to conduct a relationship are going for the “win-win” or the “no deal”.   If you can find a way to be happy and fulfilled with one partner poly and the other not, that’s wonderful! Go for it and enjoy.  It can and does happen.   It doesn’t happen by making yourself do or be what you are not.  At that point, I strongly encourage the “no deal”.  When I say “no deal” I don’t mean anger, bitterness or hostility.   Just, with a blessing let ‘em go.   It’s probably gonna hurt.   But it is a good way to happiness  in the long run,  no kidding. Some people, no matter how much they love each other, aren’t compatible in the long run.   Believe it or not, you can and do get over it and into creating a life for yourself where you’re not curled into a ball weeping several nights a month.

¹ That’s not “how you do poly”. It comes very, very close to (and sometimes is) “how you do abuse”.

² It’s rarely the relationship form, but how you conduct the relationship that’s the issue.

³ Of all the bills of goods we get sold, the one about parents having to stay in love until the kids are grown to rear children properly is one of the more obnoxious and destructive ones.