Comments on: The Long-Distance Relationship http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2008/01/14/the-long-distance-relationship/ Wielding the Stick of Grandmotherly Kindness Sat, 11 Oct 2008 05:20:47 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.2 By: Linda Kazalski http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2008/01/14/the-long-distance-relationship/#comment-3210 Linda Kazalski Sat, 19 Jan 2008 14:34:25 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2008/01/14/the-long-distance-relationship/#comment-3210 Well said. Even my marriage is an LDR in some respects, at least part of the year, as my husband is a traveling musician. I have to say that dealing with an LDR is SO much easier now than it was 30 years ago, between cell phones, texting and IM. Two of my partners (a dyad) is a 3 hour drive away - but we IM nearly daily and stay very much in touch, so we do get a fair bit of the grumpies and daily life - but not all, by a long shot. Another is local, but is married with a small child, so our private time is limited, although we do see each other in social/family settings more often now that he is out of school. Anyway, it suits my personality. I need the space and the solitude and I find that choosing to focus on what we have, when we have it, rather than what we don't have, makes all the difference. Hugs! Well said. Even my marriage is an LDR in some respects, at least part of the year, as my husband is a traveling musician. I have to say that dealing with an LDR is SO much easier now than it was 30 years ago, between cell phones, texting and IM. Two of my partners (a dyad) is a 3 hour drive away - but we IM nearly daily and stay very much in touch, so we do get a fair bit of the grumpies and daily life - but not all, by a long shot. Another is local, but is married with a small child, so our private time is limited, although we do see each other in social/family settings more often now that he is out of school.

Anyway, it suits my personality. I need the space and the solitude and I find that choosing to focus on what we have, when we have it, rather than what we don’t have, makes all the difference.

Hugs!

]]> By: Rainy http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2008/01/14/the-long-distance-relationship/#comment-3183 Rainy Thu, 17 Jan 2008 03:25:55 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2008/01/14/the-long-distance-relationship/#comment-3183 Well put. Well put.

]]> By: Butterfly http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2008/01/14/the-long-distance-relationship/#comment-3165 Butterfly Tue, 15 Jan 2008 17:53:18 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2008/01/14/the-long-distance-relationship/#comment-3165 Both my partners I met through the internet - and both with a HUGELY long distance between us. Full international ocean long distance. Perhaps unusually for ldr, in both cases our first meetups were scheduled to be a couple of weeks, not a couple of days. Long enough to get to know each other and to not see only stars and roses... Both my partners I met through the internet - and both with a HUGELY long distance between us. Full international ocean long distance.

Perhaps unusually for ldr, in both cases our first meetups were scheduled to be a couple of weeks, not a couple of days. Long enough to get to know each other and to not see only stars and roses…

]]> By: hk http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2008/01/14/the-long-distance-relationship/#comment-3162 hk Tue, 15 Jan 2008 14:59:54 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2008/01/14/the-long-distance-relationship/#comment-3162 For interest sake, this thread has been posted on the Zapoly site in South Africa. Also wanted to comment on the ldr phenomenon. My partner and I have such a thing with someone who lives on the other end of the country who does not use the net at all. When we all moved to different provinces we maintained contact via SMS, MMS, snail mail and of course the phone. What surprised me is how close one can remain even by such simple means. The physical was once there and the buzz just seemed to have remained with us. Its the intimacy on a personal and spiritual level that has proven to be the strongest binding factor. Of course some skanky pics and comments get thrown in for good measure along the way.. For interest sake, this thread has been posted on the Zapoly site in South Africa. Also wanted to comment on the ldr phenomenon. My partner and I have such a thing with someone who lives on the other end of the country who does not use the net at all. When we all moved to different provinces we maintained contact via SMS, MMS, snail mail and of course the phone. What surprised me is how close one can remain even by such simple means. The physical was once there and the buzz just seemed to have remained with us. Its the intimacy on a personal and spiritual level that has proven to be the strongest binding factor. Of course some skanky pics and comments get thrown in for good measure along the way..

]]> By: Vicki http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2008/01/14/the-long-distance-relationship/#comment-3160 Vicki Tue, 15 Jan 2008 13:51:04 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2008/01/14/the-long-distance-relationship/#comment-3160 Niobe--I found people through Usenet, but that's not a busy location these days either. I met both of my long-distance partners, not directly through Usenet, but through someone who I, and they, had met on Usenet. I've made friends on LiveJournal. Niobe–I found people through Usenet, but that’s not a busy location these days either. I met both of my long-distance partners, not directly through Usenet, but through someone who I, and they, had met on Usenet. I’ve made friends on LiveJournal.

]]> By: Goddess of Java http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2008/01/14/the-long-distance-relationship/#comment-3158 Goddess of Java Tue, 15 Jan 2008 12:35:55 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2008/01/14/the-long-distance-relationship/#comment-3158 Well, ICQ is hardly the only chat program out there! AOL's instant messenger is a popular one. I use it. As is the Yahoo Instant messenger. There are a lot of thrill seekers out there, true enough. I find for myself that my friendships and otherwise that have formed online have been through online discussion groups and social networking sites like Livejournal. Well, ICQ is hardly the only chat program out there!

AOL’s instant messenger is a popular one. I use it. As is the Yahoo Instant messenger.

There are a lot of thrill seekers out there, true enough. I find for myself that my friendships and otherwise that have formed online have been through online discussion groups and social networking sites like Livejournal.

]]> By: niobe http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2008/01/14/the-long-distance-relationship/#comment-3157 niobe Tue, 15 Jan 2008 07:32:22 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2008/01/14/the-long-distance-relationship/#comment-3157 ok hand up! I had the Ldr for months years bck and then it turned into a live in for 2 years and by the end we couldnt stand eachother. on the other hand my uncle and aunt got together after 2 years of icq and now its been almost 10 years of happy marriage. it really can go either way but I found a lot depends on preconceived notions and compremise. but honestly since the death of anyone actually using icq how do you guys find these people? any man i find long distance is only one of those thrill cheaters not looking for anything properly serious... ok hand up!
I had the Ldr for months years bck and then it turned into a live in for 2 years and by the end we couldnt stand eachother. on the other hand my uncle and aunt got together after 2 years of icq and now its been almost 10 years of happy marriage. it really can go either way but I found a lot depends on preconceived notions and compremise. but honestly since the death of anyone actually using icq how do you guys find these people? any man i find long distance is only one of those thrill cheaters not looking for anything properly serious…

]]> By: K http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2008/01/14/the-long-distance-relationship/#comment-3156 K Tue, 15 Jan 2008 00:57:07 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2008/01/14/the-long-distance-relationship/#comment-3156 hand up! SL initiated and mediated LDR... one couple on one side of the continent and the other on the other - this quad is only just beginning.... hoping it will survive first my SO's visit to them next month and then their visit, for family reasons, to our city in a few month's time (we get them to ourselves for a whole week!!!).... we dream of cohabiting sometime in the future... but our family commitments come first... thanks for the heads up and check list - we are aware of most of it already, but a reminder never goes astray.... hand up!

SL initiated and mediated LDR… one couple on one side of the continent and the other on the other - this quad is only just beginning…. hoping it will survive first my SO’s visit to them next month and then their visit, for family reasons, to our city in a few month’s time (we get them to ourselves for a whole week!!!)…. we dream of cohabiting sometime in the future… but our family commitments come first…

thanks for the heads up and check list - we are aware of most of it already, but a reminder never goes astray….

]]> By: Ashbet http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2008/01/14/the-long-distance-relationship/#comment-3152 Ashbet Mon, 14 Jan 2008 18:08:33 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2008/01/14/the-long-distance-relationship/#comment-3152 Hee, I'm talking to one member of my LDR on instant-message as I'm reading this ^_^ I definitely agree that time spent visiting is "time out of time," as I put it . . . there is always the sense that it's a special occasion, and the mundanities of real life get put on hold while you're together. I know that I'm actually BETTER at LDRs than at living with someone 24/7, and I recognize that truth and act accordingly (i.e., I do my best not to let my relationship with my husband become nothing but domesticity, and I kidnap him whenever I can to spend a weekend away reacquainting ourselves with why we fell in love in the first place!) But, yeah. I know that the faraway people I love would drive me batshit if we ever moved in together, and I'm okay with that. I don't love them any less for it, and they bring a great deal of happiness to my life (as I do to theirs.) I wouldn't have it any other way :) Hee, I’m talking to one member of my LDR on instant-message as I’m reading this ^_^

I definitely agree that time spent visiting is “time out of time,” as I put it . . . there is always the sense that it’s a special occasion, and the mundanities of real life get put on hold while you’re together.

I know that I’m actually BETTER at LDRs than at living with someone 24/7, and I recognize that truth and act accordingly (i.e., I do my best not to let my relationship with my husband become nothing but domesticity, and I kidnap him whenever I can to spend a weekend away reacquainting ourselves with why we fell in love in the first place!)

But, yeah. I know that the faraway people I love would drive me batshit if we ever moved in together, and I’m okay with that. I don’t love them any less for it, and they bring a great deal of happiness to my life (as I do to theirs.)

I wouldn’t have it any other way :)

]]> By: Alan http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2008/01/14/the-long-distance-relationship/#comment-3150 Alan Mon, 14 Jan 2008 17:26:42 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2008/01/14/the-long-distance-relationship/#comment-3150 > Textual communication has its limits.... > You can exchange your thoughts, feelings, > secrets, inner desires, and all that. It’s great. > But the physical component does make a > difference I learned to write well, which is how I've earned a living for most of my life, from an LDR when I was 16. This was pre-internet, when LDRs were done the way the Victorians did them, soulfully on paper. I was really, really motivated to develop the ability to express myself clearly, accurately, and in depth. We knew that the letter-writing relationship was different from the in-person relationship we'd had for four weeks the previous summer. But was either less "real"? I had been shocked to learn how different a book author was in person than he was when expressing himself in print. But both existed. So to nitpick David's comment, > it’s little chunk of unreality you slip > into every time you’re together > again. It's not unreality; both are real. Just remember how each works within its own sphere. Me now, I know *I'm* always the same person no matter *how* I express myself, so what you see is what you get. (BIG GRIN) > Textual communication has its limits….
> You can exchange your thoughts, feelings,
> secrets, inner desires, and all that. It’s great.
> But the physical component does make a
> difference

I learned to write well, which is how I’ve earned a living for most of my life, from an LDR when I was 16. This was pre-internet, when LDRs were done the way the Victorians did them, soulfully on paper. I was really, really motivated to develop the ability to express myself clearly, accurately, and in depth.

We knew that the letter-writing relationship was different from the in-person relationship we’d had for four weeks the previous summer. But was either less “real”? I had been shocked to learn how different a book author was in person than he was when expressing himself in print. But both existed.

So to nitpick David’s comment,

> it’s little chunk of unreality you slip
> into every time you’re together
> again.

It’s not unreality; both are real. Just remember how each works within its own sphere.

Me now, I know *I’m* always the same person no matter *how* I express myself, so what you see is what you get. (BIG GRIN)

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