Comments on: Feelings are Not Facts

By: Istatha

Istatha — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 13:16:24 +0000

After spending some years corroborating my feelings with the evidence, I’ve learned that my feelings are usually telling me something important–but not always what it seems like they’re telling me. For instance, there’s a certain positive feeling I sometimes feel about people, drawing me to them in a particular way with a particular energy. But though the feeling is positive, for me it is a big red flag! Over the years I’ve noticed that whenever I feel this way about a person, they are usually a very bad choice for me to get close to. The feeling alerts me to check for the evidence that by now is very familiar to me–and I always find that evidence, confirming that the person isn’t right for me. So although I’m listening to those feelings, what they tell me is in fact the opposite of what it might seem.

By: Salidar

Salidar — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 23:48:21 +0000

I think you just described every internet argument in existance, Jenny.

I am usually a “go with my gut” kind of person. I don’t always have all the facts when I make a decision and I have to decide things sometimes without all the facts, so I trust my gut. Then I have no one but myself to blame over things.

By: Jenny

Jenny — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 21:31:04 +0000

The classic “feelings are not facts” example for me is that when people feel they are being attacked (in converastion, I mean; when it’s physical violence it’s easier to distinguish!), and feel they need to protect themselves against hostile forces. There is often no intention to attack actually in existence.

And the things people do in order to make themselves feel “safe from attack”, like withdrawing, explaining themselves, asserting their rights, “calling” the other person on their “hostility”, and so on, often seem like hostile or hurtful moves in themselves.

So you get a spiral where two of more people feel like they ate the victim and the wronged party, and nobody perceives or acknowledges their own role as a perpetrator.

By: Goddess of Java

Goddess of Java — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 17:47:05 +0000

Notice when I talk about intuition, Rainy, I say that it’s part of it. It’s just not ALL of it. A bad feeling is the signal to “Go look and see what’s REALLY going down!”

The times I’ve ignored my intuition and gone ahead anyway have rarely gone well. But to act without going and gathering the facts means I may be acting on the wrong thing.

By: Rainy

Rainy — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 17:40:01 +0000

I’m kind of with Peter on checking facts BEFORE you get into the relationship. Sometimes we start having those little feelings of “this is wrong” way before the relationship is even off the ground. Instead of sitting down and following the breadcrumbs to the truth of the matter, we allow our enthusiasm, our desire, our WANTING, overwhelm our good sense. A lot of the time, we don’t investigate, because following the crumbs to the truth just means we won’t get what we think we want.

I have *never* been wrong when I had the uneasy “gut feelings” in that sense and boy have I bitterly regretted it later on when it all went to shit. Because the facts were *always* all there in plain sight, if I had just gone looking.

By: Peter H. Coffin

Peter H. Coffin — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 14:49:32 +0000

Checking facts BEFORE relationships is a good idea as well. If I had a dollar for every time I thought to myself “Oh, she’s just shy” instead of “She’s not really that into you”…. Well, I could buy an overpriced burrito at least.

By: Natalie

Natalie — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 13:18:24 +0000

I like the way you explain this I may use it to help this constantly hysterical friend of mine. I mean she’s not poly but I think it applies either way. Thanks.

Sounds better coming from someone else!