Should you have a group marriage or multi-adult household?
No.
Surprised? Really, there’s no reason to be. I do not consider group living The Ideal Way to Live. Oh, yes, it can suit people and and there are many that love it, but that does not mean that I think for a second it would suggest that it is ideal for everyone. It isn’t.
Consider very carefully what it is you do want out of a relationship before you get started with this. For instance, you might decide, especially after careful consideration, that monogamy is the most fulfilling life path you can have. I am not anti-monogamy by any means. I am not in favor of monogamy being considered the only path, merely a path that might work well. One of the most respected members of a group marriage discussion group in which I participate is monogamous. He is deeply in love with his wife, does not want a romantic relationship with anyone else, but joined the list out of curiosity to see what we nutcases were up to. He knows in his heart that monogamy is the happiest and most fulfilling choice for him. What makes him unique is that he understands that while what makes him happiest is something society generally sanctions, it is not necessarily the One True Way.
When deciding if you want a group household, it’s probably a good idea to analyze why you want it.
So, what do you expect to get out of it?
Hot sex?
Reality check: Yes, the sex is nice. Don’t forget about real life! While people do have sex, they also have to wash dishes, take out the trash, rear children, do laundry, pay bills and earn a living. A group household will have just as much difficulty making time for each other as any married couple. Just like in a monogamous marriage, you’re going to get time alone with your love about as often as you can manage to make that time.
Unconditional love?
Reality check: Just because you live with someone, don’t expect it. Polyamorous households have about the same quality of love as monogamous marriages – it can range from wonderful to truly hideous.
Instant Support System?
Reality check: In a good poly household, yes, you’re going to have a somewhat wider “instant support system”. Depending on where you live and the attitude of the community to group marriage in general, though, you may be on your own outside of your household. This is not a way of life that people are used to. Many people disapprove of it pretty strongly. Many of these people will be your very own blood. Be prepared for that. You may wind up feeling a bit isolated. In fact, watch for this, because it can be a warning sign for other trouble. You know, one of the abuse warning signs: If you’re encouraged to drop most former associations, that’s a check mark about whether or not you’re in a terribly unhealthy relationship.
Okay, so you’ve decided this is really what you want.So how do you form such a relationship?
If you do not presently have a partner/spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend, you’re cool. Go date polyamorous people. Get to know them. Laugh, have water balloon fights, go play Frisbee in the park with them, heckle bad movies together and have a good time. Relationships of various sorts may form, and chances are good you’ll at least make some close friends. While not all polyamorous people want group marriages, some do. You might meet some people who you love deeply and with whom you want to form a marriage.
Oh? How do you find polyamorous people? That’s easy. Go on the Internet, and join every discussion group you see even vaguely related to group relationships. Be sure to explain how good you are in bed and how your life is unfulfilling because you have so much love to give people. Make sure discussions revolve around sex. Use the expression Hot Bi Babe a lot. This is sure to attract polyamorous people. Be sure to point out to anyone who has a discussion on the list about anything other than sex that they not sex positive. (Not really! This won’t make you any friends at all. It’s just a reality that you do see this from time to time).
In reality, meeting people who are polyamorous, much less people interested in polyamorous group households, can be difficult. They don’t not wear signs, and many keep mighty quiet about our lives. Even more of us have been burned so many times by people that we get suspicious. If you do want to meet poly people, the Internet is a good resource to start with. There are hundreds of polyamorous discussion groups out there – many of the specific to local areas. There are regular conventions, camping events, and get togethers in most urban areas. Rural living is somewhat more problematic for this. But, among these people might be people who are also interested in forming a group household.
The problem here is that just because someone is looking to form a multi-adult household does not necessarily mean that this person is going to be compatible with you. It’s one interest out of thousands possible. Someone who was into Country music and did not like children, thought Renaissance Faires were for idiots who never got over playing dress-up, and was a member of Greenpeace would be about as poor a match as is possible for me. I do not care how hot looking or intelligent the person was, this Just Wouldn’t Work.
Compatibility does make forming a group household somewhat more difficult. Finding two people who are compatible enough to be together to form a marriage can be hard enough. Trying to add to that and you can find yourself in a nightmare. Patience is a good idea if you don’t want to have your life blow up in your face.
So, what kind of things do you look for when looking for people that would be good spice for a group household?
That’s a hard question, really. You do want team players. You want people who can approach something without an agenda. You want to make sure YOU don’t have an agenda, or are bogged down by expectations. You want love and I am NOT talking New Relationship Energy here. That newly in love feeling rocks, dunnit? It also melts your damned brain, and that’s a bad basis for deciding to form a household. Don’t do it. The stupid, it BURNS.
When you do form a multi-adult household, you do want a plan. You want to outline things in the most unromantic fashion possible. You want to outline finances, you wanna talk kids. You want to talk about household duties. I know we poly people love to just go with the flow and there’s no-one so easy to trust as someone you’ve just fallen in love with. That’s your biology and procreative urge speaking, and our technological society is pretty removed from rearing infants in the jungle and trying to save them from saber toothed tigers. Check it out with your present reality.
A good way to do this is to look at the situation. If someone came to YOU and said that they were about to do what you are doing, what would you say? If you would whack said person upside the head with a newspaper, rethink.
I hope I’m not being a downer here, but any relationship blow up can be nasty, and even if you’re entering into things with great caution, you can get burned. Even so, it’s a good idea to unhook your heart from your brain long enough to examine what you’re doing.
You might even find that this has created a lovely and fulfilling part of your whole life.
Interesting article.
For me, the abovesaid reasons never entered into why I’d like to have a multi-adult household, but I didn’t marry my wife for many of the reasons others say they did/do. I married her because I wanted to live with her for the rest of my life. That’s never changed. If I fall in love with another and they want to move in, the reason I’d want them living with me is the same.
Being different from the rest of society has been a big part of my life for 31 years. My wife and I are of different races – which if you are young may not seem a big deal, but 31 years ago in the south it was. My parents didn’t attend our wedding, not because they were racists, but because they were sure we would have a very hard time in life because of society and they didn’t think they could hold it together through the ceremony. I’m a practicing Buddhist, living in the deep south. I’m also pan-sexual and have been for all of my adult life. Our marriage was an open marriage from the start. I’m quite used to being outside normal society, but I have to live my own life.
A group marriage could be a disaster for me, but if I met the right person(s) I would want to live with them.
You make many good points and I will bookmark this. If I ever find someone(s) new, fall in love, and my wife and they are open to living together I will have this resource. That said, at my age all the above conditions are unlikely. As you say, it’s hard enough to find someone who is poly compatible.
All the best
This is a good resource. I think the only thing I’d want to add is: if you cannot afford for each adult to have his/her own bedroom, rethink. My sweetie and I are in the process of purchasing a three-bedroom house, in which will live me, him, and a good friend he’s lived with for years. My parents always look askance and require extra explanation when I comment on my bedroom vs. his bedroom (they don’t know we’re not monogamous). And it was starting to make me uncomfortable, until a poly friend put out a plea for a bedroom where he and a coming-to-visit lover could stay — his live-in partner did not want them using the bed they share in their one-bedroom place. It reinforced for me that my decision was a good one. Even if I were to rarely sleep in my room, at least it will be there, and I can disappear by myself or with a lover.
Wow. Sometimes I read all this and I *know* what an absolute beginner bonehead I am.
We entered into our poly triangle two years ago and have been living under the same roof with two queen size beds shoved together for all that time. 3 bedroom house: 1 bedroom, 1 music studio for him, 1 office for her and I (I am male). and a large garage full of crap that we need to eliminate. Or store. Or something.
We discussed many things like “making it work” and “how to share space” but mostly our zippy energy, while contributing to fast blowups and quick healing, keeps us moving and not dwelling on too much. He can be a bit of an obsessive, but he knows that and he has his space for it.
I also know that we accidentally/quietly backed into polyfidelity. Once together, we three lost all interest in playing the field, etc. He had a few flings here and there, was rather bored and closed that off. She tied up some loose ends and is really close with all her exes, so we’re good there. Me? I’m in domestic heaven, too busy to think about anything but my honeys. I have a long lasting NRE effect. Kinda like really good chewing gum. We have traveled to foreign countries together (rocky, but ultimately worth it) and brought a new grandchild into the world. We’ve weathered family misunderstandings (intra-marital as well as within the greater family) and some profound milestones.
I wouldn’t recommend this for many, our way. We just did it. Commitment is a three letter word in our little orb: Yes. We just DO things. We’re so in tune so much of the time, it’s kinda eery. We’re are incredibly, unbelievably lucky. I do know that. But reading all of your kind and considered words helps a great deal. Thank you so much!!