The Polyamorous Misanthrope

Sometimes when people join discussion boards in the polyamory community, they run across an alphabet soup of acronyms.

In an attempt to facilitate communication, I present the Polyamorous Misanthrope’s Official List of Polyamory Acronyms[1]:

BDSM – Bondage Discipline Sadism Masochism. You know, the kinky stuff. Chips, dips, chains, whips.

BTDT – Been There, Done That. The basic theme of the Polyamorous Misanthrope these days.

FWB – Friend With Benefits. This means it’s a friend you’re having sex with, but not necessarily romantically committed.

HBB – Hot Bi Babe. While we do exist,[2] the expression is usually used in a slightly negative way to make fun of people who want to “add a woman” to their family.

HNG – Horny Net Geek. I confess I’ve not seen this one in awhile. For that matter, I’ve not run across an HNG in awhile. I think I’ve succeeded in scaring the little bastards off. Go me!

IANAL – I Am Not A Lawyer. Sometimes we deal with legal issues in polyamorous relationships. If you get this tag with advice, the person is wisely pointing out that while the legal code seems to look a certain way, getting a lawyer is smart. Usually the formula is, “IANAL, but-”

IRL – In Real Life. Ferinstance, “Yeah, I know Wolfger IRL.” It means you’ve actually met and interacted with them in person. Astonishing.

NRE – New Relationship Energy. This is way to express the “falling in love” feeling without necessarily buying into the whole “one and only” paradigm of monogamous relationships. This is often an expression that’s used when your partner is being a dork and not paying you a lot of attention because of the new partner. Sometimes referred to as the “New Kitten Syndrome”.

OSO – Other Significant Other. You have more than one. It’s not this one, it’s the other one.

SiaSL – Stranger in a Strange Land. The most brilliant poly book ever written. Only a barbarian would think otherwise. Really. See my serious face[3]?

SO – Significant Other. This is your main squeeze if you do hierarchical polyamory, or one of your squeezes if you don’t.

TOCOTOX – Too Complicated To Explain. This isn’t seen on PolyFamilies much, but I’ve see it other places. I always get a “special snowflake” feel when I see it. I know, I suck.

YMMV – Your Mileage May Vary. We recognize that people, being inconsistent critters, might react to various situations differently. This is often added when people offer advice as a caveat that things don’t work the same every time.

[2] Ain’t I modest?

[3] No, don’t take this as an opportunity to trash it. If SiaSL had not been written, it is entirely possible that the enormous edification opportunities of this column would be lost to the world. Show some respect.

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Well, well, well, polyamory is all growed up and hitting the big time in the media. There’s been a mentions in women’s magazines – the big ones like Redbook and Marie Claire.

What does this mean for you, the average poly person just a’livin’ her life and lovin’ her loves?

That’s up to you. You might be getting more attention these days. You might get some questions or comments from people if they know you’re poly.

I hope, that if you’re poly and “out” that you do keep in mind that you’re “The Face of Polyamory” to the people who know you[1]. This means what you do, and how you live is going to be how people around you see polyamory.

No pressure!

I know what this feels like. As a visible poly parent, I often feel enormous pressure to have it all together and be seen as a “good mother”[2] so that I don’t give the impression that being poly is gonna screw up my kids. At a certain point, I did decide that I’d screw what people thought and just be the best mom I could be. It works out.

Thing is, unless you live in an area with a high poly population, when people who know you’re poly look at you, that’s what they’re gonna think polyamory is.

What does this mean?

Much or little. Me? I like the idea of being a credit to your kink. I like the idea of people just trying to be good people because… well, being the best person you can be is a valuable thing to do.

This does mean I want to caution you more against “seeming” and to be in favor of “doing” and “being”. Be a credit to your kink! Don’t worry too much if you look like a credit to your kink, if you follow me. Getting caught up in what you’re looking like will get in the way of the real doing.

You may actually be approached by the media. I’ve always chosen not to grant interviews for various reasons, but you need to sort that one out for yourself. I caution you that if you’re thinking about doing an interview, carefully consider possible ramifications. Your mother in law might be all right with your being poly on the quiet, but might throw a hissy fit complete with legal battle about your kids if someone in the Junior League approaches her with demands to explain how her daughter in law just gave that interview in the newspaper.

You might very well be approached as an object of curiosity. I hope you’ll be good-natured and patient about it. Yeah, it feels normal to you. But it’s odd to many people and it’s a good idea to have some answers prepared mentally so you don’t find yourself saying something gawdawful in a fit of pique.

You might not be approached at all[3]. Don’t feel all sad and left out and feel like you have to wave the poly flag if you don’t get much attention. Just accept that your crowd might be a bit more groovy about weird and bask in your luck.

If you’re really interested in checking out polyamory news stories, I encourage you to check out Alan’s Polyamory in the Media.

That’s all for this week.

Ya’ll be good.

[2] Which is not necessarily exactly the same as being a good mother.

[3] Believe it or not, I almost never am.

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In reading on polyamory boards and in discussions about relationships, it seems that a lot of issues come up that could be more effectively solved with assertive communication skills.

Take this example. While this might look familiar, I didn’t copy it directly from any polyamory discussion board. It’s just that you see it so very often.

Hi, guys. I’m worried about my marriage. My wife has a new love and while I’m really happy for her, I’m feeling like maybe she doesn’t care about me any more. She’ll be on a date, and then come home tired. I want to talk to her and reconnect, but all she wants to do is sleep. I think that after she’s been out, she owes me some time if she really cares about me and I’ve told her that.

What should I do?

Assertive communication is about telling people what you think/feel/want/need without making the other person responsible for your thoughts/feelings/wants/needs. So there’s a bit of a formula to the phrasing.

The formula for assertive communication runs like this:

When X happens, I feel Y. I would like you to Z.

First you’ll describe the situation in which you’re thinking or feeling something. Ferinstance in this case, the husband could begin with,“When I don’t have a lot of time to talk to someone I care about”

Notice how this avoids finger pointing. It’s less likely to put someone on the defensive. When a person is on the defensive, the open flow of good communication pretty much stops. While you cannot control how someone reacts, you can try to set up the situation to offer the person an easy chance not to be defensive.

Then you can go on to how you feel about it, “I feel distant and unloved.”

It’s very important to note that you’re not saying anything that even smells like, “You make me feel” anything. Owning your own feelings is very important for this to work. Yes, yes, yes, you can have negative feelings in certain situations. But ultimately, it’s your responsibility to decide how you want to cope.

After you’ve explained how you feel, ask for what you want. “When you come home from a date, I’d like it if we could have ten minutes to talk. It doesn’t have to be about your date, but I’d like just to reconnect a little with you because I love you and want to feel close to you.”

In this case, you’re not accusing your wife of being a jerk. You’re not throwing a lot of baggage into the conversation, but dealing with this one direct issue. Assertive communication works best when you do your best to chuck the baggage and deal with each individual issue on its own.

Of course, the person is not obligated to say “yes”. This isn’t some kind of advanced spell they teach at Hogwarts or something. But if the person you’re talking to isn’t willing to give you what you want, you have an opportunity to find out why. Be willing to listen. You might agree with the why if you listen long enough.

Sure, you might not, too. Then you have some future decisions to make, but don’t jump the gun on that one! Give it a chance and give it some time.

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