In reading on polyamory boards and in discussions about relationships, it seems that a lot of issues come up that could be more effectively solved with assertive communication skills.
Take this example. While this might look familiar, I didn’t copy it directly from any polyamory discussion board. It’s just that you see it so very often.
Hi, guys. I’m worried about my marriage. My wife has a new love and while I’m really happy for her, I’m feeling like maybe she doesn’t care about me any more. She’ll be on a date, and then come home tired. I want to talk to her and reconnect, but all she wants to do is sleep. I think that after she’s been out, she owes me some time if she really cares about me and I’ve told her that.
What should I do?
Assertive communication is about telling people what you think/feel/want/need without making the other person responsible for your thoughts/feelings/wants/needs. So there’s a bit of a formula to the phrasing.
The formula for assertive communication runs like this:
When X happens, I feel Y. I would like you to Z.
First you’ll describe the situation in which you’re thinking or feeling something. Ferinstance in this case, the husband could begin with,“When I don’t have a lot of time to talk to someone I care about”
Notice how this avoids finger pointing. It’s less likely to put someone on the defensive. When a person is on the defensive, the open flow of good communication pretty much stops. While you cannot control how someone reacts, you can try to set up the situation to offer the person an easy chance not to be defensive.
Then you can go on to how you feel about it, “I feel distant and unloved.”
It’s very important to note that you’re not saying anything that even smells like, “You make me feel” anything. Owning your own feelings is very important for this to work. Yes, yes, yes, you can have negative feelings in certain situations. But ultimately, it’s your responsibility to decide how you want to cope.
After you’ve explained how you feel, ask for what you want. “When you come home from a date, I’d like it if we could have ten minutes to talk. It doesn’t have to be about your date, but I’d like just to reconnect a little with you because I love you and want to feel close to you.”
In this case, you’re not accusing your wife of being a jerk. You’re not throwing a lot of baggage into the conversation, but dealing with this one direct issue. Assertive communication works best when you do your best to chuck the baggage and deal with each individual issue on its own.
Of course, the person is not obligated to say “yes”. This isn’t some kind of advanced spell they teach at Hogwarts or something. But if the person you’re talking to isn’t willing to give you what you want, you have an opportunity to find out why. Be willing to listen. You might agree with the why if you listen long enough.
Sure, you might not, too. Then you have some future decisions to make, but don’t jump the gun on that one! Give it a chance and give it some time.
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