In reading on polyamory boards and in discussions about relationships, it seems that a lot of issues come up that could be more effectively solved with assertive communication skills.
Take this example. While this might look familiar, I didn’t copy it directly from any polyamory discussion board. It’s just that you see it so very often.
Hi, guys. I’m worried about my marriage. My wife has a new love and while I’m really happy for her, I’m feeling like maybe she doesn’t care about me any more. She’ll be on a date, and then come home tired. I want to talk to her and reconnect, but all she wants to do is sleep. I think that after she’s been out, she owes me some time if she really cares about me and I’ve told her that.
What should I do?
Assertive communication is about telling people what you think/feel/want/need without making the other person responsible for your thoughts/feelings/wants/needs. So there’s a bit of a formula to the phrasing.
The formula for assertive communication runs like this:
When X happens, I feel Y. I would like you to Z.
First you’ll describe the situation in which you’re thinking or feeling something. Ferinstance in this case, the husband could begin with,“When I don’t have a lot of time to talk to someone I care about”
Notice how this avoids finger pointing. It’s less likely to put someone on the defensive. When a person is on the defensive, the open flow of good communication pretty much stops. While you cannot control how someone reacts, you can try to set up the situation to offer the person an easy chance not to be defensive.
Then you can go on to how you feel about it, “I feel distant and unloved.”
It’s very important to note that you’re not saying anything that even smells like, “You make me feel” anything. Owning your own feelings is very important for this to work. Yes, yes, yes, you can have negative feelings in certain situations. But ultimately, it’s your responsibility to decide how you want to cope.
After you’ve explained how you feel, ask for what you want. “When you come home from a date, I’d like it if we could have ten minutes to talk. It doesn’t have to be about your date, but I’d like just to reconnect a little with you because I love you and want to feel close to you.”
In this case, you’re not accusing your wife of being a jerk. You’re not throwing a lot of baggage into the conversation, but dealing with this one direct issue. Assertive communication works best when you do your best to chuck the baggage and deal with each individual issue on its own.
Of course, the person is not obligated to say “yes”. This isn’t some kind of advanced spell they teach at Hogwarts or something. But if the person you’re talking to isn’t willing to give you what you want, you have an opportunity to find out why. Be willing to listen. You might agree with the why if you listen long enough.
Sure, you might not, too. Then you have some future decisions to make, but don’t jump the gun on that one! Give it a chance and give it some time.
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May 12th, 2008 at 11:53 am
Very good article…unfortunately, the other half of this (the receptive listening) is required for it to work because if the person you are talking to hears only their own baggage then no matter how non-blaming you are, they will get defensive and communication gets really hard.
Also I’ve found that some people will misuse the format and that also leads some listeners to look for hidden meanings in the most straightforward of messages. It’s very frustrating.
May 12th, 2008 at 11:59 am
Oh my word yes, you can abuse people with the Assertive Communication format QUITE easily!
That deserves an article, to be frank.
If someone is defensive no matter what, I’d question whether or not that relationship is gonna work in the long run.
May 12th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
Nice. I particularly like how you point out that it is not magically going to give you what you want *grin* because honestly, one of the things I’ve noticed when folks start actively using assertive communication is this expectation of “Ok, I’ve found the Magic Formula and so now it will be easy and we will agree and there will be no friction because my New Skills will get you over to my way of thinking quite handily.”
Er. No. It means you might have an easier time discussing something with some give and take, without verbally pushing buttons, sounding accusatory or making it all about the other person. And like you point out, they get to say “no.” and the assertive communicator does NOT get to pout.
“B..b..b..but you did not fall into the steps of this dance that I have just set up with my Magical Assertiveness Training. I feel betrayed because I did not get my way!” and that always makes me want to start snarling. As I do when people start using the techniques to passive aggressively be blaming and manipulative anyway but then are all “Whaaaat? /innocent>” about it.
Otoh, when it works and all parties are committed to really stepping up to that level of communication, it’s a beautiful thing.
As ever, well done.
May 12th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Not to mention that sometimes the best way to get what you *want* may not be what you initially ask for.
Someone who wants to reconnect when I’m half-asleep may get it, if they’re okay with mumbles and cuddling while falling asleep. But if they want a real conversation after 11pm and they want me to be awake for it, well … while I can do that (I’m a night owl by inclination) it will also temporarily UN-do my efforts to be on an office worker schedule and leave me feeling jet-lagged the next day. Needless to say I would not be amenable to this idea.
Now, breakfast or dinner the next day could be great. Or if date nights are never on a work night, then staying up wouldn’t be an issue. But that takes negotiation.
May 12th, 2008 at 11:28 pm
Another great post! Very well said.
May 13th, 2008 at 8:08 pm
“Notice how this avoids finger pointing. It’s less likely to put someone on the defensive.”
I’m not buying it for a minute. Unless the wife in your example is *totally* clueless or you bring this up completely out of the blue, she’s gonna know that it is *her behaviour* that being discussed and that might well make her defensive.
“Owning your own feelings is very important for this to work.”
If you own those distant and unloved feelings then you can deal with them without getting the wife involved; the fact you *are* getting her involved means she contributed somehow.
May 14th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Oh no, not the dreaded “I feel” statements!
Seriously, every time I’ve encountered someone using that formula or any of its variants, it’s been the alleged-adult equivalent of a small child saying, “Pleeeeease can I have a cookie? Please please pleeeeease???? See, I’m asking nicely, so now you gotta give me the cookie! Now please give me what I want or I’ll throw a temper tantrum!”
For a lot of people, myself and my spouse included, “I feel” statements in a scripted format are akin to waving a red flag in front of an angry bull. I don’t see them as a way of taking responsibility for one’s feelings. I see them as a way of pretending to do so while blaming the other person for not phrasing requests properly.
May 14th, 2008 at 5:14 pm
Oh yes, I’ve seen “I-statements” abused terribly. If you’re determined to be passive-aggressive, you can always find a way.