Sometimes when people join discussion boards in the polyamory community, they run across an alphabet soup of acronyms.

In an attempt to facilitate communication, I present the Polyamorous Misanthrope’s Official List of Polyamory Acronyms[1]:

BDSM – Bondage Discipline Sadism Masochism. You know, the kinky stuff. Chips, dips, chains, whips.

BTDT – Been There, Done That. The basic theme of the Polyamorous Misanthrope these days.

FWB – Friend With Benefits. This means it’s a friend you’re having sex with, but not necessarily romantically committed.

HBB – Hot Bi Babe. While we do exist,[2] the expression is usually used in a slightly negative way to make fun of people who want to “add a woman” to their family.

HNG – Horny Net Geek. I confess I’ve not seen this one in awhile. For that matter, I’ve not run across an HNG in awhile. I think I’ve succeeded in scaring the little bastards off. Go me!

IANAL – I Am Not A Lawyer. Sometimes we deal with legal issues in polyamorous relationships. If you get this tag with advice, the person is wisely pointing out that while the legal code seems to look a certain way, getting a lawyer is smart. Usually the formula is, “IANAL, but-”

IRL – In Real Life. Ferinstance, “Yeah, I know Wolfger IRL.” It means you’ve actually met and interacted with them in person. Astonishing.

NRE – New Relationship Energy. This is way to express the “falling in love” feeling without necessarily buying into the whole “one and only” paradigm of monogamous relationships. This is often an expression that’s used when your partner is being a dork and not paying you a lot of attention because of the new partner. Sometimes referred to as the “New Kitten Syndrome”.

OSO – Other Significant Other. You have more than one. It’s not this one, it’s the other one.

SiaSL – Stranger in a Strange Land. The most brilliant poly book ever written. Only a barbarian would think otherwise. Really. See my serious face[3]?

SO – Significant Other. This is your main squeeze if you do hierarchical polyamory, or one of your squeezes if you don’t.

TOCOTOX – Too Complicated To Explain. This isn’t seen on PolyFamilies much, but I’ve see it other places. I always get a “special snowflake” feel when I see it. I know, I suck.

YMMV – Your Mileage May Vary. We recognize that people, being inconsistent critters, might react to various situations differently. This is often added when people offer advice as a caveat that things don’t work the same every time.


[1] Not to be confused with other, far more complete lists.

[2] Ain’t I modest?

[3] No, don’t take this as an opportunity to trash it. If SiaSL had not been written, it is entirely possible that the enormous edification opportunities of this column would be lost to the world. Show some respect.

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8 Responses to “Some Commonly-Used Acronyms”

  1. fjm says:

    For me Heinlein’s key book was _Friday_, because there he had the courage to show both healthy and unhealthy poly relationships. (And two days ago, I began what we all realised later were the beginning of formal negotiations for a line marriage.)

  2. Goddess of Java says:

    *grin* Check out the recommended reading page on this site!

  3. Louis Adkins says:

    Amusingly, this list reminded me of Alt.Callahans (usenet) as well.
    *waxes on about Good Old Days and offers tangential anecdote*

  4. fjm says:

    Thank you Goddess of Java! I usually read this site via a feed so hadn’t spotted the recommended reads.

  5. Kate says:

    I usually prefer to think of TOCOTOX as really meaning, “if I don’t tell you the details, you can’t call me on my shit”.

  6. Alan M. says:

    TOCOTOX – Too Complicated To Explain. …I always get a “special snowflake” feel when I see it.

    It’s hot-swappable for the more direct, non-snowflaky TOLOTOX (“Too Long To Explain”) or the blunter TOTITOX (“Too Tired To Explain”).

  7. Jenny Block says:

    This is great! Thank you so much!

    Best,
    Jenny Block
    Author of “Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage”

    http://www.jennyonthepage.com

  8. Edward Martin III says:

    I’ve occasionally referred to a Dan Savage acronym: DTMF.

    That would be Dump The Mother Fucker.

    ‘Cause sometimes all the processing in the world won’t keep an asshole from streaking you with shit.

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