The Polyamorous Misanthrope

A good friend of mine and I were discussing the new Dr. Who series and some of the socio-political issues, when we had an interesting and rather telling conversation. Now, we’re both poly. That becomes important to the conversation.

I asked, “So, which Doctor do you like better, nine or ten?”

“Both,” he replied. “Each is different.”

If that isn’t illustrative of both an ingrained idea in our culture as well as the general polyamory viewpoint, I don’t know what is.

Here I was, a total product of my upbringing and environment. General culture tells us, “You have to have a favorite, like something best — be it having a ‘best friend’, a favorite Doctor, a favorite food, or a favorite football team. You must create a hierarchy of value based on those favorites. What isn’t your favorite isn’t as good — yep even people. In fact, if it’s not your favorite, it might even kinda suck. Teach your children to have a best friend, so they can get the idea early. “

Then there was my friend on the side of polyamory saying, “Individual uniquenesses are such that you don’t have to have favorites or rank desires if you don’t want to. Good can be good without the better and best getting in the way of the idea. In fact, those individual uniquenesses might mean that comparison is silly. They’re different.“

Thing is, even in our culture we recognize that “best” or “favorite” when it comes to people can be damaging. It’s one thing to have a favorite flavor of ice cream, but what loving parent would ever say, “Why yes, your sister is my favorite child, Alphonse.”

I remember many years ago having someone try to argue with me about polyamory, and having the person insist that we all absolutely have to rank our love and relationships. He chose a silly example, not being a parent. If there were a fire in the house, he asked, which child would I save? I remember thinking, “What the hell kind of question is that? I’d die trying to save both!”

Some people would say that the parenting analogy doesn’t work because you don’t have a romantic relationship with your kids. I say that romance doesn’t change the core of what love is, but is merely another flavor of it, and that ranking and favorites and needing to be the favorite all the time is something you need to grow out of if you want to make polyamory work well.

There’s been a few discussions going around various polyamory communities talking about relationship rules, tastes in physiques, and a lot of other things.

Part of the discussion will invariably involve why some standard or another is wrong. When you dig a little deeper, it is often because that particular person doesn’t meet said standard.

I have an answer to that.

So fucking what? Get over yourselves. What is this idea that you must be universal relationship material? Do you think that you’ll have a higher status if more people wanna fuck you? Do you think it’s personal?

First off, it’s probably not personal. Take “I don’t do LDRs”. If you live on the other side of a continent from someone and they say that, it’s hardly an insult. It’s not personal. That person just doesn’t want to do long distance relationships. Fine. They don’t have to, and it’s not a reflection on you.

What about “I’m not attracted to people who are heavy?” Guess what, friends. Still not personal. That person is allowed her own criteria. To take it personally isn’t useful or even realistic. It’d be a damn stupid reason to run out and diet¹, cause there might be other reasons that the person isn’t attracted to you.

What about “I’m not attracted to people with long black hair?” Should you run out and chop off your raven locks? Friends, you’d be an idiot to do so.

What about “Do not wake me up because you’re having serious emotional issues?” Ahh… interesting. Well, if you need to be able to call someone at three in the morning to cry on them on a regular basis maybe that person isn’t right for you! How ’bout that? See, it works both ways, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean the person who is protective of her sleep is a horrible person, nor does it mean you are. It means you have severely incompatible needs. It’s not a personal affront.

I’m all for change if you think it’ll benefit you. Don’t get me wrong. If running around punching people in the nose isn’t working for you, sure, stopping that and trying other behavior might be useful.

But it’s not a personal affront if a majority of the world doesn’t find you relationship material, nor should you necessarily “make yourself over” to gain sex or romantic relationships. It’s not a contest, no matter how many people seem to think the more people you want to fuck you, the more you win at life.

The relationships that are worth having are the ones that work for you. And let’s face it, even as poly people, we only have 168 hours a week. We all have interests other than romantic relationships. We’ve got our careers, our hobbies, our families, and our individual lives.

Get over yourselves!

¹Not saying that you shouldn’t take care of your health, but body mod to increase fuckability becomes a zero sum game. For the extremes of this, check out honest accounts of any industry where fitting a specific body image becomes a major part of the job.

Same-sex marriages are now legal today in California.

I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I am thrilled for the people who want to marry legally but haven’t been able to up until now. I wish every one of you who have wanted to marry and now can the best of luck and a lifetime of happiness together. Love is important, and we shouldn’t lose sight of that.

On the other hand (and those of you who feel like I’m being Captain Buzzkill can stop reading now. I’m not gonna trash your day).

Marriage as an institution needs a serious revamp. The laws around marriage and family reflect a social structure that we don’t actually have any more. Society has changed, but some institutions haven’t quite caught up. Lags like these aren’t unusual, but it’s important to look at them clearly so that when we make our changes, we’re doing it usefully.

I’m asking questions in this article rather than presenting solutions because when confronted with the enormity of the problem, I find myself waving my hands around and looking like a deer in headlights.

You see, society has changed, but human nature hasn’t. People connect and want to live together. Plenty of us fall in love and decide to have kids. Some decide that they want to live together, but don’t want kids. Some decide they want to live with more than one person — and on it goes.

Sure, you could say marriage is for the protection of pregnant women and their offspring. That’s a necessary social function. We need to ensure kids are provided for.

But marriage ain’t just about kids. Plenty of people who don’t want/can’t have kids want to be married to partners.

Why?

Part of it is cultural. People who are in love marry, right? How many “happy ending” romantic stories end with people not getting married — especially if the story is marketed for the under 13 set? A lot of it is simply cultural expectation.

Part of it is for the legal benefit. There are about 1,400 benefits and advantages (State and Federal) that one gets when on marries. There’s the big, obvious stuff like tax advantages and visitation rights in hospitals, and then the stuff we don’t think about as often like rights in lawsuits and inheritance issues. Many of the legal benefits are based on the “and the two shall become one” principle. A married couple is often treated as a single unit for financial and some legal issues. Ferinstance, if someone is driving drunk and kills your husband, as a wife, you can sue for wrongful death and loss of intimacy. If you’re not married? The law is a whole bunch fuzzier on the issue.

For myself, I’d like to see a disconnect between the legal institution of marriage and the social behaviors of romance. We humans are social creatures and I think it’s important for the legal structures to recognize and support the very natural human desire to form partnerships for mutual benefit. However, the whole romance thing is really muddying a lot of the waters.

I’d like to see cohabitation and parenting contracts that specifically exclude the concept of a romantic relationship, which marriage is presumed to be right now. (i.e. “I don’t give a damn if it’s Twoo Wuv or not. The kids need to be taken care of, and the damn bills need to be paid!”)

Thing is, it’s easy to theorize. Actually coming up with workable solutions (and we do need them) is something else entirely!

I’d love to know what my readers think about his one.

Polyamorous people, while we’re supposed to be smarter, more loving, more together and all that nonsense….

Well, we’re not.

I wanted to compile a list of Stupid Poly Tricks. You know, dumb shit I’ve seen people do in the name of polyamory. This is in no particular order and it’s only stuff that flutters into my mind.

1. Expecting Polyamory to solve all your relationship problems

If you haven’t heard the snarky comment, “Relationship Broken, Add More People”, it’s a comment on the fact that adding someone to a relationship isn’t going to help the issues in your old one. In fact, chances are good, it’ll make the relationship problems worse. Please, for the love of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, please fix your current relationship problems before you start adding people. It’ll make your karma all shiny and sweet-smelling. Promise.

2. Expecting lovers to be in love with each other because they’re in love with you.

“If someone lurves me for real and for true, they’ll be head over heels for anyone I happen to have the hots for.” I do not know for the life of me where this nonsense came from. But you see it from time to time.

People have different tastes. You know that, right? Just because you have the total hots for someone, your partner doesn’t owe you a damn sex show. Get over it. Let them develop whatever ever friendship/relationship/cordial interaction they want to and stay out of it.

3. Expecting lovers to be at each other’s throats.

The flip side of the last one is even more absurd. “I’m bringing my new love home to meet my husband. How do I make sure they don’t start beating their chests at each other?”

I’m gonna assume you only get involved with grown-ups. (If you don’t, go back to square one. You only want to be involved with grown-ups. This isn’t a joke). Grown-ups don’t start chest beating the minute they meet each other. They smile, greet and just hang out. It’s not a big deal, nor should it be.

While it’s true that your partner may or may not think your new love is the all-wonderful that you do, chances are good that you’re going to be looking at least at a cordial relationship. Hell, they may even become friends!

4. Posting a confession of infidelity to an online forum.

I actually saw this happen. I wish I could think of something gentle to say about it. I can’t. Being online is the equivalent of going into the middle of town square with a megaphone. This is a mind-boggling depth of stupidity that I cannot begin to comprehend. Polyamorous communities, by their very nature, are rather interconnected. Stuff gets back to people. Solve the problem entirely. Don’t go against agreements. See? Simple. Problem solved. You are now free to broadcast whatever you like.

5. Making agreements you don’t intend to keep.

If you’re not okay with a partner having a veto and resent it, don’t agree to it, More than one person I’ve met has used resentment or the feeling of coercion to excuse some pretty reprehensible behavior. STOPPIT! Only agree to what you intend to follow through on.

6. Allowing yourself to be financially supported by someone who disapproves of your lifestyle.

This gets the Stupid Award with the Diamond Cluster.

When I say financially support, I mean reduced rent because you live on their property, large gifts of cash, personal loans at reduced to no interest, large amounts of free child care (this last is probably the worst in stupidity, as it gives the person who is providing the child care way too much leverage in case they decide to Think of the Children and take you to court to get custody of your kids). I am not talking about property you get through a will or something like that. That’s yours.

If someone disapproves that strongly of your life, don’t give them that kind of leverage.

I welcome any other comments of Stupid Poly Tricks, but these are the ones that leapt to mind most immediately when I sat down with my nice espresso to write this.

As an addendum, what the heck do you guys really wanna see Mama Java rantin’ about this summer? Or what do you want to rant about that you think will amuse/instruct me enough to post here as a guest column? My own life is drama free enough that I don’t have much column fodder these days.

No, if you love me, don’t wish column fodder on me. Please. It doesn’t taste so nice.

We all have our standards for choosing loves. That’s cool. We should.

I’d like to share one of mine: How does he treat someone he isn’t interested in gettin’ busy with?

If there’s a significant gap in kindness, courtesy or respect, I take a pass on that relationship.

Not sayin’ one shouldn’t have criteria, notice. The guy who’s interested in me prolly either is really, really into curves or brains. That’s all good. We all have our tastes, and being desired can feel good. But if I hear him refer to the wispy little thing as a “skinny bitch”, or a reasonably decent person who’s not too bright disparagingly, my interest is gonna be gone.

It’s a variant on “If she’s nice to you and rude to the wait staff, she’s not a nice person.”

I almost think, sometimes, that there is this underlying cultural idea that it’s okay to be a little hostile to people who don’t “measure up” to your views of sexual attractiveness. It’s as if humans pay rent on this planet by being sexy, and deserve a little punishment if they don’t. Eavesdrop on group of men or women talking sometimes, when the subject of sexual attractiveness comes around. They can get harsh.

And no, I don’t buy the “Well, we’re biologically programmed to reproduce, so of course we’re going to behave that way. You can’t escape biology.” I’d be willing to bet that none of my male readers have raped a woman that smells like she’s ovulating. You’ve proven you’re not at the mercy of your biological imperatives. Biology drives us to a certain extent, yes, but we get a choice in our behavior, too.

You don’t owe everyone sexual interest, of course. (Who’d have the time?) I’m just talking courtesy, even behind their backs.

Don’t take it to mean that it’s bad to express your tastes. You can do that without slamming the person. “He doesn’t have a physique/IQ that’s to my tastes” is okay. You’re not calling names or being discourteous about a person.

This isn’t about being fluffybunny. You can have your flinty, stern standards (God knows I do!) and still be a decent human being.