We all have our standards for choosing loves. That’s cool. We should.
I’d like to share one of mine: How does he treat someone he isn’t interested in gettin’ busy with?
If there’s a significant gap in kindness, courtesy or respect, I take a pass on that relationship.
Not sayin’ one shouldn’t have criteria, notice. The guy who’s interested in me prolly either is really, really into curves or brains. That’s all good. We all have our tastes, and being desired can feel good. But if I hear him refer to the wispy little thing as a “skinny bitch”, or a reasonably decent person who’s not too bright disparagingly, my interest is gonna be gone.
It’s a variant on “If she’s nice to you and rude to the wait staff, she’s not a nice person.”
I almost think, sometimes, that there is this underlying cultural idea that it’s okay to be a little hostile to people who don’t “measure up” to your views of sexual attractiveness. It’s as if humans pay rent on this planet by being sexy, and deserve a little punishment if they don’t. Eavesdrop on group of men or women talking sometimes, when the subject of sexual attractiveness comes around. They can get harsh.
And no, I don’t buy the “Well, we’re biologically programmed to reproduce, so of course we’re going to behave that way. You can’t escape biology.” I’d be willing to bet that none of my male readers have raped a woman that smells like she’s ovulating. You’ve proven you’re not at the mercy of your biological imperatives. Biology drives us to a certain extent, yes, but we get a choice in our behavior, too.
You don’t owe everyone sexual interest, of course. (Who’d have the time?) I’m just talking courtesy, even behind their backs.
Don’t take it to mean that it’s bad to express your tastes. You can do that without slamming the person. “He doesn’t have a physique/IQ that’s to my tastes” is okay. You’re not calling names or being discourteous about a person.
This isn’t about being fluffybunny. You can have your flinty, stern standards (God knows I do!) and still be a decent human being.
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June 2nd, 2008 at 9:55 am
I 100% agree. I’ve had dates that were perfectly polite to me but were so rude to service people that I didn’t go out on the 2nd date.
Great article!
June 2nd, 2008 at 12:08 pm
I have a business associate who I always liked. Until she referred to a man with a stutter as “B-b-bah Bob.”
I have barely been able to speak to her since.
June 2nd, 2008 at 12:25 pm
The other side of that coin is not to take it personally and feel all invalidated if someone just isn’t feeling like you’re what’s for dinner. It feels personal, sure, but 9 times out of 10 it isn’t personal if that makes sense - assuming they aren’t being all harsh and chumming the social waters with your unacceptability in the sexy dept.
In addition to watching how a prospective date treats people who are NOT on the menu, I always listen to how they talk about their exes. Sure, we all have that one ex (or two) wot makes us see red. Sometimes it can be hard to be nice or speak fairly in those cases. But if every single ex that someone talks about is a horrible person, “that bitch” or done them wrong or whatever? I start to wonder. Especially if the story ends the same way every time. Because I see a common denominator and it ain’t just the exes. I have ignored that at my own peril and regretted it every single time.
June 3rd, 2008 at 7:44 pm
Sadly I also find out sometimes after the fact that how someone treats me who’s hoping for some and how he treats me when he’s changed his mind or had some or what have you changes drastically and that will determine whether I want to continue to have this person even as a friend
July 8th, 2008 at 9:29 am
I think the other way around is more important,
if a woman treats me worse then other people, I go home crying.
It’s way better if she treats me better then other people,
I would feel honored and appreciated, perhaps even loved.
July 8th, 2008 at 9:36 am
Well, Robin, it’s not about necessarily being treated better than someone else, so much as it is about watching how someone treats people when there’s nothing invested or necessarily desired.
Someone who was nice to the waiter and rude to me wouldn’t get a second date, either. What I’m saying is that I want someone who thinks habitual kindness and politeness is the way to go for ‘most everyone!