Polyamorous people, while we’re supposed to be smarter, more loving, more together and all that nonsense….
Well, we’re not.
I wanted to compile a list of Stupid Poly Tricks. You know, dumb shit I’ve seen people do in the name of polyamory. This is in no particular order and it’s only stuff that flutters into my mind.
1. Expecting Polyamory to solve all your relationship problems
If you haven’t heard the snarky comment, “Relationship Broken, Add More People”, it’s a comment on the fact that adding someone to a relationship isn’t going to help the issues in your old one. In fact, chances are good, it’ll make the relationship problems worse. Please, for the love of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, please fix your current relationship problems before you start adding people. It’ll make your karma all shiny and sweet-smelling. Promise.
2. Expecting lovers to be in love with each other because they’re in love with you.
“If someone lurves me for real and for true, they’ll be head over heels for anyone I happen to have the hots for.” I do not know for the life of me where this nonsense came from. But you see it from time to time.
People have different tastes. You know that, right? Just because you have the total hots for someone, your partner doesn’t owe you a damn sex show. Get over it. Let them develop whatever ever friendship/relationship/cordial interaction they want to and stay out of it.
3. Expecting lovers to be at each other’s throats.
The flip side of the last one is even more absurd. “I’m bringing my new love home to meet my husband. How do I make sure they don’t start beating their chests at each other?”
I’m gonna assume you only get involved with grown-ups. (If you don’t, go back to square one. You only want to be involved with grown-ups. This isn’t a joke). Grown-ups don’t start chest beating the minute they meet each other. They smile, greet and just hang out. It’s not a big deal, nor should it be.
While it’s true that your partner may or may not think your new love is the all-wonderful that you do, chances are good that you’re going to be looking at least at a cordial relationship. Hell, they may even become friends!
4. Posting a confession of infidelity to an online forum.
I actually saw this happen. I wish I could think of something gentle to say about it. I can’t. Being online is the equivalent of going into the middle of town square with a megaphone. This is a mind-boggling depth of stupidity that I cannot begin to comprehend. Polyamorous communities, by their very nature, are rather interconnected. Stuff gets back to people. Solve the problem entirely. Don’t go against agreements. See? Simple. Problem solved. You are now free to broadcast whatever you like.
5. Making agreements you don’t intend to keep.
If you’re not okay with a partner having a veto and resent it, don’t agree to it, More than one person I’ve met has used resentment or the feeling of coercion to excuse some pretty reprehensible behavior. STOPPIT! Only agree to what you intend to follow through on.
6. Allowing yourself to be financially supported by someone who disapproves of your lifestyle.
This gets the Stupid Award with the Diamond Cluster.
When I say financially support, I mean reduced rent because you live on their property, large gifts of cash, personal loans at reduced to no interest, large amounts of free child care (this last is probably the worst in stupidity, as it gives the person who is providing the child care way too much leverage in case they decide to Think of the Children and take you to court to get custody of your kids). I am not talking about property you get through a will or something like that. That’s yours.
If someone disapproves that strongly of your life, don’t give them that kind of leverage.
I welcome any other comments of Stupid Poly Tricks, but these are the ones that leapt to mind most immediately when I sat down with my nice espresso to write this.
As an addendum, what the heck do you guys really wanna see Mama Java rantin’ about this summer? Or what do you want to rant about that you think will amuse/instruct me enough to post here as a guest column? My own life is drama free enough that I don’t have much column fodder these days.
No, if you love me, don’t wish column fodder on me. Please. It doesn’t taste so nice.
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