But that Disqualifies ME!!!
Posted by: Goddess of Java in boundaries, polyamory 101, relationshipsThere’s been a few discussions going around various polyamory communities talking about relationship rules, tastes in physiques, and a lot of other things.
Part of the discussion will invariably involve why some standard or another is wrong. When you dig a little deeper, it is often because that particular person doesn’t meet said standard.
I have an answer to that.
So fucking what? Get over yourselves. What is this idea that you must be universal relationship material? Do you think that you’ll have a higher status if more people wanna fuck you? Do you think it’s personal?
First off, it’s probably not personal. Take “I don’t do LDRs”. If you live on the other side of a continent from someone and they say that, it’s hardly an insult. It’s not personal. That person just doesn’t want to do long distance relationships. Fine. They don’t have to, and it’s not a reflection on you.
What about “I’m not attracted to people who are heavy?” Guess what, friends. Still not personal. That person is allowed her own criteria. To take it personally isn’t useful or even realistic. It’d be a damn stupid reason to run out and diet1, cause there might be other reasons that the person isn’t attracted to you.
What about “I’m not attracted to people with long black hair?” Should you run out and chop off your raven locks? Friends, you’d be an idiot to do so.
What about “Do not wake me up because you’re having serious emotional issues?” Ahh… interesting. Well, if you need to be able to call someone at three in the morning to cry on them on a regular basis maybe that person isn’t right for you! How ’bout that? See, it works both ways, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean the person who is protective of her sleep is a horrible person, nor does it mean you are. It means you have severely incompatible needs. It’s not a personal affront.
I’m all for change if you think it’ll benefit you. Don’t get me wrong. If running around punching people in the nose isn’t working for you, sure, stopping that and trying other behavior might be useful.
But it’s not a personal affront if a majority of the world doesn’t find you relationship material, nor should you necessarily “make yourself over” to gain sex or romantic relationships. It’s not a contest, no matter how many people seem to think the more people you want to fuck you, the more you win at life.
The relationships that are worth having are the ones that work for you. And let’s face it, even as poly people, we only have 168 hours a week. We all have interests other than romantic relationships. We’ve got our careers, our hobbies, our families, and our individual lives.
Get over yourselves!
1Not saying that you shouldn’t take care of your health, but body mod to increase fuckability becomes a zero sum game. For the extremes of this, check out honest accounts of any industry where fitting a specific body image becomes a major part of the job.
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June 23rd, 2008 at 12:24 pm
Honestly, it depends on how it’s stated. If someone says “I’m not attracted to larger women,” I have no problem with it. If someone says “Larger women are not attractive,” I tend to bristle and retort.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and what they find attractive (for example, I don’t find very muscular guys attractive, I like either a little skinniness or a larger frame.) I don’t think that whether or not *I* am attracted to a person is an objective statement of whether they *are* attractive.
People making generalizations (like “LDRs never work”) are going to get a negative response from me, whereas people saying “LDRs haven’t worked for me” won’t.
It’s not a contest to see how many people can be attracted to you, you’re right. And it’s not a personal failing if Person X isn’t attracted to you (although it kind of sucks if you happen to be attracted to Person X!) If everyone had the same “type,” most of the population would be excluded from the dating pool . . . whereas it’s awesome to know that while I’m not to some people’s taste, others find me and women like me to be very attractive. And, really, *they’re* the ones I care about in the end!
– A
June 23rd, 2008 at 9:27 pm
What Ashbet said
I personally don’t like LDRs because I don’t have a history of doing them well. BUT provided said partner is able to deal with the occasional faux pas and we work on communicating, I’m slowly finding that poly LDRs aren’t that scary/bad - kinda in one now, which is working. Mono LDRs are significantly different, I need my snuggling regularly.
June 24th, 2008 at 4:41 am
Speaking as a member of a LDR who happens to be visiting said person… they can work. And our spouses are reminding us that we promised to go shopping for new clothes. So it can happen. But otherwise, I fall into the “LDRs don’t work for me” crowd. They never really have, until now, but I’ve learned my lessons along the way, and it’s possible that that is helping us now. (And yes, I agree with the local choice/global statement issue as framed by Ashbet!)
June 24th, 2008 at 6:00 am
I think you nailed it again. Sometimes it’s a very good thing if everyone doesn’t find you attractive, it only becomes an issue if no one does, then maybe a redo is in order.
September 3rd, 2008 at 12:09 am
I try not to take it personally when I hear that Asian men aren’t attractive, but as one, it gets under my (yellow) skin.
September 4th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Tim, there’s a HUGE difference between “X subgroup of humanity isn’t attractive” and “X subgroup of humanity isn’t attractive to me.”
The first implies there’s some sort of moral absolute about personal taste. The second says that, yep, you’ve got a personal taste.
As a member of a subgroup of humanity that plenty of people DONT find sexually attractive (I’m fat), I feel for you. But I think people are allowed their tastes.