A good friend of mine and I were discussing the new Dr. Who series and some of the socio-political issues, when we had an interesting and rather telling conversation. Now, we’re both poly. That becomes important to the conversation.
I asked, “So, which Doctor do you like better, nine or ten?”
“Both,” he replied. “Each is different.”
If that isn’t illustrative of both an ingrained idea in our culture as well as the general polyamory viewpoint, I don’t know what is.
Here I was, a total product of my upbringing and environment. General culture tells us, “You have to have a favorite, like something best — be it having a ‘best friend’, a favorite Doctor, a favorite food, or a favorite football team. You must create a hierarchy of value based on those favorites. What isn’t your favorite isn’t as good — yep even people. In fact, if it’s not your favorite, it might even kinda suck. Teach your children to have a best friend, so they can get the idea early. “
Then there was my friend on the side of polyamory saying, “Individual uniquenesses are such that you don’t have to have favorites or rank desires if you don’t want to. Good can be good without the better and best getting in the way of the idea. In fact, those individual uniquenesses might mean that comparison is silly. They’re different.“
Thing is, even in our culture we recognize that “best” or “favorite” when it comes to people can be damaging. It’s one thing to have a favorite flavor of ice cream, but what loving parent would ever say, “Why yes, your sister is my favorite child, Alphonse.”
I remember many years ago having someone try to argue with me about polyamory, and having the person insist that we all absolutely have to rank our love and relationships. He chose a silly example, not being a parent. If there were a fire in the house, he asked, which child would I save? I remember thinking, “What the hell kind of question is that? I’d die trying to save both!”
Some people would say that the parenting analogy doesn’t work because you don’t have a romantic relationship with your kids. I say that romance doesn’t change the core of what love is, but is merely another flavor of it, and that ranking and favorites and needing to be the favorite all the time is something you need to grow out of if you want to make polyamory work well.
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June 30th, 2008 at 9:46 am
I try repeatedly - mostly to no avail - to convince and friends and skeptics of this very thing. It goes along with the concept of starvation love. People are so ingrained with the idea that you only have so much to give to people that once you’ve given all of it, then you’re empty, and you have to wait for one thing to die before you can pass that along to someone else. People having “favorites” is, in some ways, a part of that thought process. You give the most of your love to your favorites, and then everyone else gets the remainder disseminated amongst them. It doesn’t work that way, and I have a difficult time making others (non-polys, obviously) see that. Thanks for another great post.
June 30th, 2008 at 11:39 am
It’s like this: People who insist you make a choice rarely care about your answer, and even more rarely have your best interests at heart.
For example, get someone to agree that Drew Barrymore is sexy. Then insist that they tell you in which movie she was sexier: “Firestarter” or “E.T.”
It’s kinda fun to watch.
July 2nd, 2008 at 8:30 pm
Well said. (and so true!)
July 3rd, 2008 at 4:51 pm
Hear hear…
July 3rd, 2008 at 8:06 pm
I agree 100%. I grew up being compared to others with my behaviors and mannerisms. I disliked it to the point that I swore up and down that I would never allow it to be passed from me on to my kids. I have found it very hard to accomplish this… since I believe that you shouldn’t compare people and especially children to others reguardless as to weather its a good or bad comparison. I have the toughest time getting my wife to understand. She can’t see it from my point of view… thank the gods she is willing to back me up on my feelings about this. Her mom is very bad at making comparisons as well as my mom and a lot of people in our families. She tries not to do it… Its funny though, I get pissed very quickly because “I was bad about doing the same thing”, but I realized that I was doing exactly what I disliked the rest of my family doing to me. I woke up one day and said never again… and I dont. I just wish I could get others to understand. Your right though. My “wives” both my legal and my non-legal understand to a degree and both are poly. But nobody else understands. I feelings have grown even stronger since I starting taking Psychology in college and gaining an understanding of how childrens minds work. It just reinforces how I feel about not comparing and not judging.
July 9th, 2008 at 7:52 pm
I agree with a great deal of what you said, especially about the unlimited nature of love. However, I have to disagree on the concept of favorites, especially when it involves a primary relationship. Certainly if one has two spouses, there can be an equality of relationship. One can love them both equally, spend equal amounts of time with them, and think of them as I think of my two sons, considering it impossible to love one greater than the other. But what of a primary relationship? If I have not a greater, deeper love for my primary, if I don’t give her a greater share of my time, how then can I consider her to be a “primary” relationship? And if I do love her deeper than all others, doesn’t it follow that her feelings, her needs are paramount? And doesn’t that make my primary my favorite? I can love others, but not to the depth that I love my primary wife. She will always have the greater share of my time, and attention, she will always be first in my considerations. I don’t think that polyamoroury demands equality amongst participants, only honesty.
July 15th, 2008 at 11:08 am
Edward, you’re a delightful, evil man…
July 16th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
I’ve been dealing with the non-favorite part of poly. I am the 3rd, the newest. Once the novelty of my addition wore off, I felt a bit lost. I was hurt at first. Then I learned something: how to put up some walls to my insecurity. Maybe that’s a good thing. I’ve needed to learn independence; well, certainly more less-dependence.
Funny, when I first came into the picture, our man actually feared that I would start choosing her over him (he was my initial link). I explained to him that it was like choosing apples over oranges, they’re just different.
Yes, there are some days that I may choose one over the other, but overall, they are unique and have grown into their own special places in my heart.
Just to be included at all is a special gift. Many out there are still searching for their one. I’ve got 2! (and the kids, of course)