The Polyamorous Misanthrope

Do you have something in you life that tweaks you, makes you reactive? (Hint: Most people do — ’spart of being human).

Maybe it’s Something Really Big. Maybe it’s a small tweak. It’ll become a filter, sometimes, and it’s funny how perfectly innocent stuff — even sweet and kind things, can sound just wrong when they’re put
through that filter. Then, you react and the reaction isn’t kind.

Try to stop that.

It is not the job of your loves to make up for your past rotten luck. Oh sure, people can be kind and gentle with the tender spots. I’m all for that. As I reiterate pretty consistently, love and kindness are important. Not blowing that off.

But, it’s your job to be loving and kind, too. Part of that is keep a close watch on those tweaky spots. Your loves don’t deserve the sharp end of all that nonsense.  Your rotten luck in life is yours to deal with.  The world does not owe you a makeup or a do over because of crappy stuff that’s happened to you.  You’re a grown-up and as a grown-up, it’s your responsibility to watch out for it, learn from it and deal.

Will you make mistakes?  Yep.  Hell, I did less than a month ago, said something sharp that wasn’t deserved and apologized for it.

But the apology isn’t the last step.  No, no, no.  Now I have another job.   It is my job, since I know I snapped at someone wrongly from a place in my own trauma, to keep an eye out and make a consistent and considered effort not to do that again. That person doesn’t deserve the fallout from my trauma. I don’t get a free pass to behave badly because I had something bad happen to me.

Sure, sure, past trauma can be a reason for misbehavior.  But just because there’s a reason for behavior doesn’t automatically make it okay.

This is not to say you can’t ask for consideration.  This is not to say that offering kindness and gentleness is a bad thing.  These things are good and wonderful.  Being kind and gentle with someone who has had a rough time, being understanding and forgiving?  Those are all great things to do.  If you feel moved to do so, go for it and bless you for your kindness.

But don’t think just because it’s great for someone else to be kind that it’s not great for you to do your best to do likewise.  Grok me?  Part of healing from trauma, part of the growing process, is to learn to keep from inflicting the emotional fallout on everyone else.

‘Cause, think about it.  These are people you love, right?  They don’t deserve the fallout from your trauma.

They deserve your best efforts to be loving, too!

We all like to do things that make our partners happy. It’s part of the fun of a relationship.

A friend of mine is dating a new person. That person’s spouse had kept a file for many years on things that she liked, her underwear size and how she liked her massage. He passed this on to the new partner, which my friend referred to as the “Keys to the Kingdom”.

While you might not necessarily be all that cool on handing around dossiers on each other, it does make sense to keep careful tracks of likes and dislikes. Me? I’m prone to dive into whatever project takes my fancy with an obsession and forget important stuff. You know, like partners.

I like the idea of keeping a data file so much that I’m putting out a template here of things you might wanna keep track of with partners.

Stuff I Wanna Remember About My Partner

Clothing sizes
Favorite Author (s)
Favorite Color (s)
Food Allergies
Food Dislikes
Food Likes
Coffee Preferences
Stuff that really turns him/her on in bed
Favorite Movie Genre (s)
Special Hobbies
Music preferences
Things that’ll immediately bring out a smile
Triggers that make him/her uncomfortable
Cherished Dreams

Obviously this is really incomplete. You’ll add to it as you get more information. One person on the PolyFamilies list keeps this in an Excel file with a separate tab for each partner. Not a bad idea, I think.

I’ve talked before about how knowing a partner down into his bones is always a good idea. This is a good start and overview.

But, I’d recommend you negotiate before handing this list out to other partners. Just sayin’.

“I’ve been in few famous last stands, lad, and they’re butcher shops. That’s what Blouse’s leading you into, mark my words. What’ll you lot do then? We’ve had a few scuffles, but that’s not war. Think you’ll be man enough to stand, when the metal meets the meat?”

“You did, sarge”, said Polly.” You said you were in few last stands.”

“Yeah, lad. But I was holding the metal” –Sergeant Major Jackrum, Monstrous Regiment, by Terry Pratchett

I know, that’s a hideous image for something like polyamory that’s about love.

It’s also got a point.

This is for you social engineers out there¹. I’m seeing a spate of new people in polyamory discussion boards and every blessed one of them want the theory, the magical formula that’s gonna Make Everything Okay.  This is especially true among the newly poly and for some weird reason, the ones who are in engineering professions.  I can only guess that they’re trying to make the messiness of emotion make sense.

I’m not tryin’ to trash, honest. I like shiny theories, too. You think I’d be fond of Stranger in a Strange Land if I didn’t?  For that matter, I think the world would be a better place if people did make sense and were consistent in their behavior.

But they’re not!

All the theory in the world won’t help without some real world experience. I state a general principle, “When a person feels insecure, that person will try to protect himself.” It’s true. You see examples of it every day.

Have you internalized what that might mean to your relationships? Does it guide your actions? What happens when someone who is feeling insecure doesn’t go into a self-protective mode? Do do you dismiss the claim of feeling insecure? Does it throw you into a tizzy, because the person isn’t acting as he’s “supposed” to? Do you insist the person is lying?  Some people have taught themselves not to go self-protective when they feel insecure.  Are they not real people because they don’t fit a general (and often accurate) principle?

The point I’m trying to make is that all the theory in the world isn’t going to help if you do not pay attention to how people in relationships with you actually act. Theory is genuinely good to a point. Basic theories are a great jumping-off point to learning. But if you see a contradiction between the theory and what’s going on in front of you, maybe you need to pay better attention to what goes on in front of you. Maybe you even need to revise your theory.

I can throw all kinds of statistics, facts and beliefs out there: The average marriage² lasts about five years, adding partners to a relationship means more complex processing, 98% of sexually active people have been exposed to HPV…

That’s only the diving board — the point at which your spring off from to start your discovery. They’re okay generalizations as far as they go. The problem is that they give you no specifics. That the average marriage fails in five years says nothing at all about your marriage.

That’s where the problem of theory comes in. Theory’s a good start, but people are specific. When you’re having a romantic relationship, you’re doing it with an individual. Now, this is not a call for all you special snowflakes to get all happy about how damn unique you are. You’re not more uniquer³ than all those other proles, ‘kay? This isn’t about you, anyway. This is about you paying close attention to your partners.

Learn them. Learn to understand them. Find out where they are in line with all your poly theory and where they veer off the track.

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¹In the interests of honesty in disclosure, I suppose I ought to point out that I am a recovering social engineer. Dammit, I want people to make sense, and sometimes they don’t.

²Poly or not. Surprise, surprise, the average is the same!

³And howzat expression for a literary abomination?

I hope my faithful readers will forgive a departure on my part from my usual reserve about sexually explicit discussion. But it was quite an evening…

Recently, I had an opportunity to try a Sybian. This is more or less a vibrator on steroids. You can see the basic unit in the image. There are pics that show the attachments, but I’m hoping to keep the blog more or less work-safe. <grin> Go to the site if you want to see more.

Fun? Oh very yes! Without going into too much detail, the sensations you get are… well, pretty sensational! It’s quite a fun toy, and for you voyeurs out there, the show your partner will put on using one is sure to get your own motor running. Keep in mind you’ll probably start feeling like Barbarella after awhile, but this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. ‘Leastwise I didn’t find it so. Make sure you experiment until you find an attachment that gets the g-spot. It’s an experience. Trust me. And <ahem> overindulgence will leave you a pretty sore the next day. Just a little warning. Not that I <wince> speak from experience or anything.

But was it $1400 worth of fun?

Ummm…

For me, probably not¹. It’s not exactly what you would call a discreet sex toy. This machine has a strong, and unfortunately loud motor, which makes it impractical unless the kids aren’t in the house. It’s partially muffled by the quite comfortable saddle, but not enough. It also has to be strong enough to support a person’s weight well, so this baby weighs in at 22 lbs. The sensation is certainly stronger and more intense than is possible from your average vibrator, but it’s really not more fun (to me) than someone who has skill with hands and tongue. It’s still a machine and can’t respond well to subtle feedback — even if you’re using it with a very observant partner playing with the controls. This is something that’s more of a spice thing than a steady diet. While I could conceive of using it by oneself, I cannot imagine it would be nearly as fun.

That said, if you have plenty of extra cash, and you’re looking to invest in very well-stocked play room, I do recommend this as a good piece of equipment. There’s lots and lots of attachments and someone creative could really have a good time getting inventive with it.

I sure did.

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¹I’m dull, boring and practical, and would be more likely to buy a much better laptop than I have or an industrial sewing machine with that kind of money than I would a sex toy.