“I’ve been in few famous last stands, lad, and they’re butcher shops. That’s what Blouse’s leading you into, mark my words. What’ll you lot do then? We’ve had a few scuffles, but that’s not war. Think you’ll be man enough to stand, when the metal meets the meat?”
“You did, sarge”, said Polly.” You said you were in few last stands.”
“Yeah, lad. But I was holding the metal” –Sergeant Major Jackrum, Monstrous Regiment, by Terry Pratchett
I know, that’s a hideous image for something like polyamory that’s about love.
It’s also got a point.
This is for you social engineers out there1. I’m seeing a spate of new people in polyamory discussion boards and every blessed one of them want the theory, the magical formula that’s gonna Make Everything Okay. This is especially true among the newly poly and for some weird reason, the ones who are in engineering professions. I can only guess that they’re trying to make the messiness of emotion make sense.
I’m not tryin’ to trash, honest. I like shiny theories, too. You think I’d be fond of Stranger in a Strange Land if I didn’t? For that matter, I think the world would be a better place if people did make sense and were consistent in their behavior.
But they’re not!
All the theory in the world won’t help without some real world experience. I state a general principle, “When a person feels insecure, that person will try to protect himself.” It’s true. You see examples of it every day.
Have you internalized what that might mean to your relationships? Does it guide your actions? What happens when someone who is feeling insecure doesn’t go into a self-protective mode? Do do you dismiss the claim of feeling insecure? Does it throw you into a tizzy, because the person isn’t acting as he’s “supposed” to? Do you insist the person is lying? Some people have taught themselves not to go self-protective when they feel insecure. Are they not real people because they don’t fit a general (and often accurate) principle?
The point I’m trying to make is that all the theory in the world isn’t going to help if you do not pay attention to how people in relationships with you actually act. Theory is genuinely good to a point. Basic theories are a great jumping-off point to learning. But if you see a contradiction between the theory and what’s going on in front of you, maybe you need to pay better attention to what goes on in front of you. Maybe you even need to revise your theory.
I can throw all kinds of statistics, facts and beliefs out there: The average marriage2 lasts about five years, adding partners to a relationship means more complex processing, 98% of sexually active people have been exposed to HPV…
That’s only the diving board — the point at which your spring off from to start your discovery. They’re okay generalizations as far as they go. The problem is that they give you no specifics. That the average marriage fails in five years says nothing at all about your marriage.
That’s where the problem of theory comes in. Theory’s a good start, but people are specific. When you’re having a romantic relationship, you’re doing it with an individual. Now, this is not a call for all you special snowflakes to get all happy about how damn unique you are. You’re not more uniquer3 than all those other proles, ‘kay? This isn’t about you, anyway. This is about you paying close attention to your partners.
Learn them. Learn to understand them. Find out where they are in line with all your poly theory and where they veer off the track.
1In the interests of honesty in disclosure, I suppose I ought to point out that I am a recovering social engineer. Dammit, I want people to make sense, and sometimes they don’t.
2Poly or not. Surprise, surprise, the average is the same!
3And howzat expression for a literary abomination?
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July 16th, 2008 at 8:23 pm
I’m in a fairly new poly-family (1 1/2 yrs). I am constantly in shift mode with my partners. There never really is a long period of more than a few minutes at a time (even then, it’s random) as to when every one is happy all at the same time.
You’re right, there is NO magical formula for making it work. My partners and I live with the constant notion that we are all variable and that some day, we might not be together.
Sure, I’m the newest member and I used to think that I would never change. Lo and behold, I am changing.
I am learning that it is not how I feel that changes, but it’s how I choose to deal and act with those emotions.
July 16th, 2008 at 8:26 pm
Back where there was a perception that poly marriages did not last as long as traditional ones, OLQ (My former quad) had commented on a list that we’d been together two years at the time.
Someone said, “That’s your Silver Anniversary in poly years!”
You’re right. Things do change! But I’m glad to see an 18 month old family is called “relatively new” now. Good perception change, in my opinion.
July 19th, 2008 at 8:59 am
Not sure, but I believe that’s a personal perception change rather than a general perception change. Dunno… I haven’t been all that active in the community. I’m headed towards 5 years with A&B (15 years with B). Damn I’m old.
September 8th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
[...] - bookmarked by 3 members originally found by TheEmoGuy555 on 2008-08-18 When the Metal Meets the Meat http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2008/07/14/when-the-metal-meets-the-meat/ - bookmarked by 1 [...]