We all like to do things that make our partners happy. It’s part of the fun of a relationship.
A friend of mine is dating a new person. That person’s spouse had kept a file for many years on things that she liked, her underwear size and how she liked her massage. He passed this on to the new partner, which my friend referred to as the “Keys to the Kingdom”.
While you might not necessarily be all that cool on handing around dossiers on each other, it does make sense to keep careful tracks of likes and dislikes. Me? I’m prone to dive into whatever project takes my fancy with an obsession and forget important stuff. You know, like partners.
I like the idea of keeping a data file so much that I’m putting out a template here of things you might wanna keep track of with partners.
Stuff I Wanna Remember About My Partner
| Clothing sizes | |
| Favorite Author (s) | |
| Favorite Color (s) | |
| Food Allergies | |
| Food Dislikes | |
| Food Likes | |
| Coffee Preferences | |
| Stuff that really turns him/her on in bed | |
| Favorite Movie Genre (s) | |
| Special Hobbies | |
| Music preferences | |
| Things that’ll immediately bring out a smile | |
| Triggers that make him/her uncomfortable | |
| Cherished Dreams |
Obviously this is really incomplete. You’ll add to it as you get more information. One person on the PolyFamilies list keeps this in an Excel file with a separate tab for each partner. Not a bad idea, I think.
I’ve talked before about how knowing a partner down into his bones is always a good idea. This is a good start and overview.
But, I’d recommend you negotiate before handing this list out to other partners. Just sayin’.
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July 21st, 2008 at 12:47 am
“Clothing sizes” may be simple enough for guys, but not so much for girls. What with every manufacturer calling the same measurements something different, and the regular resizing so that what was a 4 or 6 when I was in high school is a size ZERO now… yeah, good luck.
Apart from that… I guess it was part of growing up female in this culture, that I thought it was a GIVEN that everyone would learn these things about a partner, and remember them, and if someone DIDN’T remember them, This Was Not Prince Charming? Or, conversely, I Was Being A Bad Girlfriend?
I dunno. Something about this is making me feel slightly twitchy and I can’t figure out why.
July 21st, 2008 at 2:29 am
I think this is a pretty neat concept, actually! I know most of that stuff about most of my partners, but tend to carry it around in my brain … the idea of putting it down in a private spreadsheet appeals to me a lot
xx Dee
July 21st, 2008 at 6:21 am
But doesn’t much of the fun come from not knowing and learning all this stuff about new partners, and part of the NRE wrapped up in someone else discovering them about you?
To your point, there’s a particular pattern that I eventually discovered that I wish one partner would tattoo on her lower abdomen, for her own sake. Of course, back to my original point, it was fun discovering it.
July 21st, 2008 at 8:39 am
“I’d recommend you negotiate before handing this list out to other partners.”
Most definitely. As the subject, I’d rather the new person took the time to get to know me.
People change over time, and sometimes what we enjoy with one, we don’t so much enjoy with another.
More importantly , the discovery process is an important part of the relationship.
Part of it is bonding, part of it is ~how will this person react if I trip over a strong opinion?~ Will they take the time to explain, do they just go off - do they hide squicks ? How you learn of something is sometimes more important than having learned of it.
July 21st, 2008 at 10:26 am
Oh, I so need to set this up! I’m single currently, but if and when I start dating again I’ll have to start using this sort of thing as my short term memory is appallingly bad - I’d forget to breathe some days if it wasn’t automatic!
July 21st, 2008 at 12:40 pm
I have a similar list on each of my good friends… things on that list include colors that they like to wear, things they collect, foods that they are allergic to/can’t stand/love, ring size, neck size, favorite stones, coffee flavors, liquor preferences, etc. Makes Holiday and Birthday shopping that much easier!
July 21st, 2008 at 1:22 pm
Actually, I have a much harder time remembering this stuff about my kids than my partners. Maybe because I have so many kids, and so few partners. I’ve found that in general, I remember this stuff about my partners unless I’m just not invested in the relationship. It’s a big clue in for me that a partner may not be a good fit for me, if I don’t take the time to internalize their likes, etc. Now the kids… I should definitely do this with the kids! I could forward it to every far-flung extended family member and not have to repeat myself ad nauseum, and confuse which kid I’m talking about, and, and, and…. bother. You get the point.
July 21st, 2008 at 6:07 pm
With great power comes great responsibility. I can just see the potential for evil here. Nasty breakup, partner who feels wronged spreads this info freely to people he knows are asses (or just puts it out publicly with name, phone, address, hangouts). Now the partner whose stats were kept is going to be in for a real ride… people who seem “too good to be true” coming from every direction, heartache to follow…
Or maybe I’m just cynical and paranoid.
July 21st, 2008 at 6:27 pm
Wolfger: Goodness yes. Especially those wretches who think it’s their “duty” to “warn” others about their Evil Exes.
July 21st, 2008 at 9:45 pm
Several years ago I managed to get smart enough to collect both my spouse’s and my other lovers clothing sizes and measurements into files I keep stored on my Treo’. Does this always result in a perfect fit? Hell No, but it’s OH so much better than guessing. They both know that I’ve got the others info so that’s not a problem. And it’s so nice to be walking around somewhere see something that looks just right for one or the other and be able to confirm a size or measurement.
As to the other stuff, well I carry that around in my head. And things like books we all share back and forth constantly.
David
July 26th, 2008 at 1:56 am
Ok, seriously? The first thing on that list should be “Safe Word”. Really folks?, my information should come from learning about my partners by talking to them. Do we all forget what it was like to begin a relationship the old fashion way?
July 27th, 2008 at 3:00 am
I agree about learning about partners the old-fashioned way.
You touch on a subject and then delve into it gradually, kind of like foreplay. The build-up of learning about another person can be loads of fun.
And as good communicators, partners “should” be vocal about expressing themselves, anyway. If the newbie wants you to know something, he/she will bring it up.