Do you have something in you life that tweaks you, makes you reactive? (Hint: Most people do — ’spart of being human).
Maybe it’s Something Really Big. Maybe it’s a small tweak. It’ll become a filter, sometimes, and it’s funny how perfectly innocent stuff — even sweet and kind things, can sound just wrong when they’re put
through that filter. Then, you react and the reaction isn’t kind.
Try to stop that.
It is not the job of your loves to make up for your past rotten luck. Oh sure, people can be kind and gentle with the tender spots. I’m all for that. As I reiterate pretty consistently, love and kindness are important. Not blowing that off.
But, it’s your job to be loving and kind, too. Part of that is keep a close watch on those tweaky spots. Your loves don’t deserve the sharp end of all that nonsense. Your rotten luck in life is yours to deal with. The world does not owe you a makeup or a do over because of crappy stuff that’s happened to you. You’re a grown-up and as a grown-up, it’s your responsibility to watch out for it, learn from it and deal.
Will you make mistakes? Yep. Hell, I did less than a month ago, said something sharp that wasn’t deserved and apologized for it.
But the apology isn’t the last step. No, no, no. Now I have another job. It is my job, since I know I snapped at someone wrongly from a place in my own trauma, to keep an eye out and make a consistent and considered effort not to do that again. That person doesn’t deserve the fallout from my trauma. I don’t get a free pass to behave badly because I had something bad happen to me.
Sure, sure, past trauma can be a reason for misbehavior. But just because there’s a reason for behavior doesn’t automatically make it okay.
This is not to say you can’t ask for consideration. This is not to say that offering kindness and gentleness is a bad thing. These things are good and wonderful. Being kind and gentle with someone who has had a rough time, being understanding and forgiving? Those are all great things to do. If you feel moved to do so, go for it and bless you for your kindness.
But don’t think just because it’s great for someone else to be kind that it’s not great for you to do your best to do likewise. Grok me? Part of healing from trauma, part of the growing process, is to learn to keep from inflicting the emotional fallout on everyone else.
‘Cause, think about it. These are people you love, right? They don’t deserve the fallout from your trauma.
They deserve your best efforts to be loving, too!
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