Do you have something in you life that tweaks you, makes you reactive? (Hint: Most people do — ’spart of being human).
Maybe it’s Something Really Big. Maybe it’s a small tweak. It’ll become a filter, sometimes, and it’s funny how perfectly innocent stuff — even sweet and kind things, can sound just wrong when they’re put
through that filter. Then, you react and the reaction isn’t kind.
Try to stop that.
It is not the job of your loves to make up for your past rotten luck. Oh sure, people can be kind and gentle with the tender spots. I’m all for that. As I reiterate pretty consistently, love and kindness are important. Not blowing that off.
But, it’s your job to be loving and kind, too. Part of that is keep a close watch on those tweaky spots. Your loves don’t deserve the sharp end of all that nonsense. Your rotten luck in life is yours to deal with. The world does not owe you a makeup or a do over because of crappy stuff that’s happened to you. You’re a grown-up and as a grown-up, it’s your responsibility to watch out for it, learn from it and deal.
Will you make mistakes? Yep. Hell, I did less than a month ago, said something sharp that wasn’t deserved and apologized for it.
But the apology isn’t the last step. No, no, no. Now I have another job. It is my job, since I know I snapped at someone wrongly from a place in my own trauma, to keep an eye out and make a consistent and considered effort not to do that again. That person doesn’t deserve the fallout from my trauma. I don’t get a free pass to behave badly because I had something bad happen to me.
Sure, sure, past trauma can be a reason for misbehavior. But just because there’s a reason for behavior doesn’t automatically make it okay.
This is not to say you can’t ask for consideration. This is not to say that offering kindness and gentleness is a bad thing. These things are good and wonderful. Being kind and gentle with someone who has had a rough time, being understanding and forgiving? Those are all great things to do. If you feel moved to do so, go for it and bless you for your kindness.
But don’t think just because it’s great for someone else to be kind that it’s not great for you to do your best to do likewise. Grok me? Part of healing from trauma, part of the growing process, is to learn to keep from inflicting the emotional fallout on everyone else.
‘Cause, think about it. These are people you love, right? They don’t deserve the fallout from your trauma.
They deserve your best efforts to be loving, too!
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July 28th, 2008 at 8:48 am
Hey! I thought this was supposed to be a poly blog, not a how to be a nice human blog!!!
And of course so much of what we do within relationships is nothing more than what we should be doing in other aspects of our lives.
Now how can I deal with folks that interrupt me when I’m trying to get a complex idea across???
David
July 28th, 2008 at 8:52 am
Well, David, I have a friend who thinks that a lot of the business books on networks and interpersonal interaction get it a lot better than the ones aimed at romance.
I kinda agree with him.
You’re right, though, being an effective person is the way to have good relationships — poly, mono or otherwise!
As far as people interrupting you when you’re trying to get a complex idea across? What’s the situation? Why is it important that the idea be gotten across?
July 28th, 2008 at 10:23 am
As my wife once told me (after the nth time that I did something stupid and later said “I’m sorry”), “If you were really sorry, you’d stop doing it!”
Only then did I begin to really understand what you’re talking about here.
July 28th, 2008 at 10:36 am
Well, I’d change that to, “Make a serious and consistent effort to stop doing it.” One doesn’t change an ingrained behavior overnight.
When I want to change a behavior, I try to put at least as much thought and effort into it as I do, say, a project for a client or a workout.
July 28th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Haven’t you already written this before?
Same old… same old…
July 28th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
SO good, and soooo important to the world in general, but even more so it seems when dealing with the level of self acquaintance that so many in the poly world have. I find often that that my lovers are hurt more easily than mono lovers used to be, but also that the process of forgiveness and moving on is easier. As long as both parties are being aware of this.
August 8th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Ok, new to this place…Is this some new definition of misanthrope where I’m supposed to be nice and kind to other “humans”?
Eww. I don’t like people and don’t give a rat’s ass if they can’t cope with me as me.
People are worthless. None of us deserves or is entitled to “special treatment”.
If I don’t want to deal with your shit, I won’t deal.
If you don’t want to deal with my shit, don’t.
Everyone needs to get over themselves. Ooohh, someone wasn’t nice to me…Tough Shit.