The Polyamorous Misanthrope

This guest column is by Edward Martin, III.

I’m tired of the whole “communicate, communicate, communicate” mantra. Oh sure, I’m all for making sure you communicate with your partners, but it just doesn’t have to be some long and torturous ritual that goes on forever under the guise of “well, this must be what it’s like to be poly.”

I’ve found that only about 5% of the time spent “talking” is spent finding a mutually satisfying solution.

95% is spent trying to figure out what everybody really wants, instead of what they’re trying to angle obliquely toward. It’s like spending time placing all the pieces on the board in some kind of conversational game.

Think about that one for a moment — when many of us tell someone else what we want, we’re really telling them what we think they’ll be willing to give us such that we can get what we really want without incurring some sort of egregious social debt. (it’s okay — you don’t have to admit it in public)

So, since half of that 95% is mine (and I don’t have to be oblique with myself, thank goodness), it became a lot easier to say “Okay, this is what I want out of the solution. As long as that’s satisfied, you can do it however you like.”

It’s tricky, because I have to make sure that I stick to my actual words, and I have to release an interest in all parameters that I haven’t mentioned. This requires a lot of bright-light looking at my needs. And if I miss something, it’s my own damn fault. I can mention it later, of course, but I have to realize that I’m bringing it to the table late, and act accordingly.

It also requires I know the difference between a  need and a preference, and that I do my homework before coming to the discussion table. But, as a good partner, it’s my job to make sure I’m doing the best I can, and that means, sometimes, homework.

It’s been a long haul, but the results so far have been great.

And even better — when other partners see how easy it is to do that, they start doing it, too. Rewards are great learning tools and short conversations with mutually satisfying solutions are great rewards.

And then you can get back to actually living a life together.

Process Percentage © 2008, Edward Martin, III

Used by permission

All Rights Reserved

Edward Martin III is a writer and filmmaker (http://www.Guerrilla-Productions.org) in the Pacific Northwest. In other parts of the country, his roles are secret, if not downright mysterious. Today he got soaked on a motorcycle ride by a surprise storm, designed a one-man bicycle-powered submersible, and learned more about Lent than any decent human being should know. Tomorrow — hard to tell.

I have heard and done some research on my own but have not found a definitive answer to the following question.

Is HIV transmission possible through cunnilingus?

There isn’t a definitive answer. Sorry!

Please understand that I am not a doctor, so I am answering to the best of my knowledge based on what I know about disease vectors (a little better than the average layman, but not much!)

The best we can come up with is that there are a couple of documented cases that they think are likely to have occurred during cunnilingus, but in terms of statistical risk of life¹ , it’s less risky than you getting into your car and driving to the grocery store. That theoretical risk is a bit higher if it is certain that blood is involved — ferinstance, cunnilingus during menstruation, especially if the person doing it has just brushed his teeth, so has teeny tiny open wounds in the mouth.

But it’s quite true that oral sex is not exactly risk free!

That said, I recommend getting regular testing for STDs in general. AIDS is hardly the only STD out there, and there are some others that will kill you, some that won’t kill you and still completely suck! Make sure you take appropriate precautions. I really recommend Assessing STD Risk Tolerance to learn a bit more about STD risk assessment. She’s remarkably sensible.

The only thing special about STDs are how fragile the little bugs are and how intimate you have to be to get ‘em. We don’t flip out when you get strep throat, and if untreated, that can certainly develop complications that can kill you. I rather dislike the stigma and shame attached because it prevents us from treating them sensibly.

¹For HIV only! There are other STDs for which oral sex is very much a transmission activity!

Dear Polyamorous Misanthrope,

Well, long story short, the ex-wife is poly. I used to consider myself preferentially monogamoose, but recent events have me questioning that a bit. I’m admittedly prone to territorial issues where other boys are concerned, but have zero jealousy issues with other girls, even ones I ain’t involved with, and some of my other relationship tendencies are a bit easier for my partners to take if there’s more than one partner.

Aaaanyway, the ex-wife is more or less willing to give up other penis, but doesn’t think it’s fair unless I give up other anyone, so to speak. I don’t have any real interest in dating other girls anyway (the theory is intriguing but the time ain’t there), but although I see her point in asking a restriction of me if I ask a restriction of her, I don’t really see where her proposed solution is any more inherently fair. And relationship inequity and, to a lesser degree, feelings of abandonment are likely to rear their ugly haids in the form of resentment over the long term.

So, although I won’t pretend to slavishly follow any kind of script, I am looking for other ways of looking at the situation as it stands, as well as other possible solutions (although I don’t see that many other possible solutions). Suggestions, outlook, commentary very much appreciated.

I think that if it works for you, certainly it can work out.  Clearly this isn’t working so well for you guys or I don’t think the word ex would be involved here.

I genuinely believe from the bottom of my heart that the real answer is to learn to deal with insecurity before starting on the poly path.  I’ve noticed that “fair” is often a difficult and obstructive word when it comes to relationships.  So much so that in general I prefer to abandon “fair” for “does this work?”  Minute accounting systems in relationships are often indicative of a relationship in which trust has become anemic.   No matter what else you choose, I believe that both of you working real hard to put some deposits in the Emotional Bank Account would be a fantastic thing for your marriage.

As I’ve observed Life, Love and Relationships, one of the biggest things I’ve noticed is that complex rules are often very rickety artificial structures that seem to be intended mask issues without actually working on them.  Sometimes it seems to me that the more complex the rule structure, the more concerned someone is with avoiding personal change as much as possible.  So, I’d avoid the rules and look to see where change might actually bring about what you want better.

Now, my immediate impulse is to say, “Dewd, you wanna have an open relationship have an open relationship. Don’t refer to another potential man as another penis, even in the abstract.  He’s a human, too!  Each of you would probably do best to work on your own personal issues and comfort zones.”

It’s valid as far as it goes, and yeah, it’s what I think. It’s also a little less than helpful.

To go further with it, I’d say that sitting down with a cup of coffee and thinking about what feels threatening to you and why makes sense.  What activates your need to protect yourself and why?   Is it something you wanna keep in your life or not?  Sometimes the real issue isn’t the obvious surface issue and I’d really advise thinking a long time on that to see if you’re dealing with the actual issue.   You’ll be having an argument you think is about the dishes when it’s really about feeling valued. Stuff like that happens all the time in relationships, so cultivating the habit of questioning yourself to make sure you know what issue you’re really dealing with is a helpful thing to do.

I do encourage both of you to give up an exact accounting of fair in favor of finding out the real solutions that will make each other happy would be something you’d both enjoy a lot in the long run.

Good luck!

Mama Java