Dear Polyamorous Misanthrope,
Well, long story short, the ex-wife is poly. I used to consider myself preferentially monogamoose, but recent events have me questioning that a bit. I’m admittedly prone to territorial issues where other boys are concerned, but have zero jealousy issues with other girls, even ones I ain’t involved with, and some of my other relationship tendencies are a bit easier for my partners to take if there’s more than one partner.
Aaaanyway, the ex-wife is more or less willing to give up other penis, but doesn’t think it’s fair unless I give up other anyone, so to speak. I don’t have any real interest in dating other girls anyway (the theory is intriguing but the time ain’t there), but although I see her point in asking a restriction of me if I ask a restriction of her, I don’t really see where her proposed solution is any more inherently fair. And relationship inequity and, to a lesser degree, feelings of abandonment are likely to rear their ugly haids in the form of resentment over the long term.
So, although I won’t pretend to slavishly follow any kind of script, I am looking for other ways of looking at the situation as it stands, as well as other possible solutions (although I don’t see that many other possible solutions). Suggestions, outlook, commentary very much appreciated.
I think that if it works for you, certainly it can work out. Clearly this isn’t working so well for you guys or I don’t think the word ex would be involved here.
I genuinely believe from the bottom of my heart that the real answer is to learn to deal with insecurity before starting on the poly path. I’ve noticed that “fair” is often a difficult and obstructive word when it comes to relationships. So much so that in general I prefer to abandon “fair” for “does this work?” Minute accounting systems in relationships are often indicative of a relationship in which trust has become anemic. No matter what else you choose, I believe that both of you working real hard to put some deposits in the Emotional Bank Account would be a fantastic thing for your marriage.
As I’ve observed Life, Love and Relationships, one of the biggest things I’ve noticed is that complex rules are often very rickety artificial structures that seem to be intended mask issues without actually working on them. Sometimes it seems to me that the more complex the rule structure, the more concerned someone is with avoiding personal change as much as possible. So, I’d avoid the rules and look to see where change might actually bring about what you want better.
Now, my immediate impulse is to say, “Dewd, you wanna have an open relationship have an open relationship. Don’t refer to another potential man as another penis, even in the abstract. He’s a human, too! Each of you would probably do best to work on your own personal issues and comfort zones.”
It’s valid as far as it goes, and yeah, it’s what I think. It’s also a little less than helpful.
To go further with it, I’d say that sitting down with a cup of coffee and thinking about what feels threatening to you and why makes sense. What activates your need to protect yourself and why? Is it something you wanna keep in your life or not? Sometimes the real issue isn’t the obvious surface issue and I’d really advise thinking a long time on that to see if you’re dealing with the actual issue. You’ll be having an argument you think is about the dishes when it’s really about feeling valued. Stuff like that happens all the time in relationships, so cultivating the habit of questioning yourself to make sure you know what issue you’re really dealing with is a helpful thing to do.
I do encourage both of you to give up an exact accounting of fair in favor of finding out the real solutions that will make each other happy would be something you’d both enjoy a lot in the long run.
Good luck!
Mama Java
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August 5th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
A long time ago, friends recounted the following apothegm. “Jealousy is subscribing to the delusion that one can own another.” I’ve lived by that. I have had many interactions with the green beast and now feel complete with it. So much so that I’m in a poly three with a man and a woman and don’t feel threatened at all. It took a lot to get there but it takes time and energy.
I think it is one of those horizons one can choose to visit and change. One of the places where the heart can really grow as a muscle.
August 19th, 2008 at 1:27 am
Thanks. It was the exhortation to introspect on the issue which made me realize that was exactly what I’d been avoiding.
And thank you, too Steven (I know a Steve who would use the word “apothegm,” too. How funny). The central issue isn’t jealousy, but I’m dealing with that, too, of course, being a basically nasty individual.