This guest column is by Edward Martin, III.
I’m tired of the whole “communicate, communicate, communicate” mantra. Oh sure, I’m all for making sure you communicate with your partners, but it just doesn’t have to be some long and torturous ritual that goes on forever under the guise of “well, this must be what it’s like to be poly.”
I’ve found that only about 5% of the time spent “talking” is spent finding a mutually satisfying solution.
95% is spent trying to figure out what everybody really wants, instead of what they’re trying to angle obliquely toward. It’s like spending time placing all the pieces on the board in some kind of conversational game.
Think about that one for a moment — when many of us tell someone else what we want, we’re really telling them what we think they’ll be willing to give us such that we can get what we really want without incurring some sort of egregious social debt. (it’s okay — you don’t have to admit it in public)
So, since half of that 95% is mine (and I don’t have to be oblique with myself, thank goodness), it became a lot easier to say “Okay, this is what I want out of the solution. As long as that’s satisfied, you can do it however you like.”
It’s tricky, because I have to make sure that I stick to my actual words, and I have to release an interest in all parameters that I haven’t mentioned. This requires a lot of bright-light looking at my needs. And if I miss something, it’s my own damn fault. I can mention it later, of course, but I have to realize that I’m bringing it to the table late, and act accordingly.
It also requires I know the difference between a need and a preference, and that I do my homework before coming to the discussion table. But, as a good partner, it’s my job to make sure I’m doing the best I can, and that means, sometimes, homework.
It’s been a long haul, but the results so far have been great.
And even better — when other partners see how easy it is to do that, they start doing it, too. Rewards are great learning tools and short conversations with mutually satisfying solutions are great rewards.
And then you can get back to actually living a life together.
Process Percentage © 2008, Edward Martin, III
Used by permission
All Rights Reserved
Edward Martin III is a writer and filmmaker (http://www.Guerrilla-Productions.org) in the Pacific Northwest. In other parts of the country, his roles are secret, if not downright mysterious. Today he got soaked on a motorcycle ride by a surprise storm, designed a one-man bicycle-powered submersible, and learned more about Lent than any decent human being should know. Tomorrow — hard to tell.
Entries (RSS)
August 25th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
“Communicate, Communicate, Communicate” where we pay lip service to some lofty ideal that will make all easy and perfect and simple (and rolls off the tongue so trippingly, so quickly, without any real effort!)
It’s nice when someone goes past that part and starts talking about *how* to communicate and what ways he or she has found that work, that make it more efficient, more direct, and more simple. It seems to me that part of what you’re saying here is “really think” and also “really listen” which seem to be all lumped together in what you’re referring to as “homework.” I like that.
Communication without having to do the pee pee dance at each other so you can just get to the point and get on to doing whatever it was you were communicating about? Brilliant.
August 26th, 2008 at 1:04 am
Yep, I think homework’s important. It shows respect for your partner’s time.
I owe it to my partners to not waste their time.
September 1st, 2008 at 1:22 pm
I have often used a categorisation scheme of “Needs”, “Wants” and “Likes” - “needs” are non-negotiables if there are any non-compatible needs around, then there are going to be huge, huge problems. Wants are things you might be willing to give up, but after some negotiation, and likes are more “if nobody minds it would be cool if…”
Knowing what you want out of a relationship and communicating that effectively to your partners is vital, in my opinion. Saves a lot of fumbling around.
September 7th, 2008 at 8:47 am
To me, “communicate, communicate, communicate” is more about the importance of communication than the volume of it. So, I think that the problem you’re addressing isn’t about communication so much as signal to noise ratio.
We need less bullshit, and more message, but the communication part is still vital.
Semantics aside, I like the thrust of your article. Bravo.