The Polyamorous Misanthrope

My wife and I have been looking for a long time to find a person or couple we could date.  Not too long ago, we did start going out with a couple.  The problem is, while I like them, I don’t like them in *that* way.  What do I do?  My wife is really excited and I don’t want to disappoint her.  Also, the couple are nice people.  I’d really like being friends with them, but I’m just not interested otherwise?

Yow, rough situation.

First off, you’re gonna tell the truth, right?  You don’t have to be mean about it, but you really do want to be honest here.  You said you like these people, so you can certainly say that.  But explaining that you really aren’t interested romantically is the honest thing to do.

But I’ll go even further.  It’s ultimately the kindest thing to do as well.  I know it doesn’t feel great to disappoint people you like or love.   I don’t blame you for finding it difficult or painful.  Thing is, if you did get involved with these people when you weren’t into it, it’s only going to get worse.  Imagine people getting attached and then finding that no, you were just humoring everyone all along.  Talk about painful!

One thing you might want to consider, in having this talk, is whether or not dating as a unit is really working out for you and your wife.  Maybe it would work out that if she’s quite interested in the couple that she could date them.  You don’t specify whether or not you have a “date as a unit” agreement or not but the way your letter reads sort of implies it.  If it is, maybe renegotiation would be in order here.  If I’m wrong, there’s no problem.  She’s free to date ‘em and you’re all good from being honest about how you were feeling.

Ultimately, being straight about what you’re thinking or feeling will work out better for everyone.

Good luck!

“Honey, we’ve got to talk.”

Do you hear this phrase often enough to make your blood run cold?  Do most of your relationship talks start this way?  Does this usually preface a several-hour discussion?  If your relationships’ communication styles rely on a series of “Come to Jesus” chats, you’re not really communicating. Someone’s lecturing and someone’s resisting. That’s not communicating.

In a relationship where communication lines are open, there’s a much more fluid sense to it. You might have a partner ask, “Hey, just checkin’ in. How are you feeling relationship-wise between us?” If you feel ice in your guts when something like that is asked, you have a large and dramatic problem. If you find yourself relaxed and glad of the opportunity to bring up a little point such as, “Well, feeling okay about it, but I wanted to mention that the weasel porn isn’t really my kink, so could we do some other stuff instead? ” and the discussion is done in five or ten minutes, you’re all good.

In a healthy relationship, large and dramatic problems are rare¹. Why? Because they’re usually dealt with casually and calmly when they’re small. It’s rather like cleaning as you go in your kitchen and washing the dishes before they get crusty.  Dealing with little things as they come up isn’t as exciting, maybe, as the big, dramatic blowups and discussions.  But, it’s probably better to save your desire for an adrenalin rush for jumping out of airplanes or something and take care of your relationships a bit more smoothly.

To do this well, you have to be willing to do several things.  You need to be willing to ask your partners what they’re thinking and feeling, you need to listen carefully to what they’re saying, and you need to be able to volunteer what you’re thinking or feeling on a regular basis.  Don’t let things fester.

However, there’s a difference between not letting things fester and feeling like you have to deal with the issue the very second you think it, too!   You don’t need to meet partners at the door with it, interrupt their work with it, wake ‘em up in the middle of the night with it or any of that.  If it doesn’t involve blood or fire, any of these things can wait 48 hours or so².  If you’re dealing with it on a regular basis, it probably isn’t so urgent it can’t wait a day, anyway.

To make it work, be open with your partner.  If you partner asks how things are going, but you’re in the middle of a project that has a deadline, you can and should say so! “Sugar, I do wanna let you know, but I’m so busy until Thursday that I can’t think about anything but but finishing this project for the Evil Overlord.”  Come Thursday, though, you’d better be ready to cough up what you’re thinking!  If you’re not wanting to communicate and are looking for ways not to, you definitely have some self-examination to do about your relationship.

Rather like getting in the habit of decluttering regularly, you’ll find your relationships will be less messy and far more relaxed.

Oh, and more fun, too!  I know you want that, so enjoy.

And for those of you who celebrate it, Happy Hobbit Day!

²If your partner isn’t willing to talk at all, then you have a different problem. It does take two people to communicate, and what can’t we force other people to do boys and girls? Right.

It’s not unusual for polyamorous people to start pondering about scheduling.

It’s a valid concern, as if you’re poly, you might very well have a lot of people in your life who are important to you and that you want to hang out with.

If you’re lucky, you’ll find that many of your loves like to hang out together in groups.  This cuts down on the scheduling issues, but let’s face it, plenty of people do enjoy more one-on-one time with loves.  (Not only sex, mind.  Oh, that too, but not only sex!)

What do you do?

The first thing that’s useful is to be realistic about how much time you actually have.  Everyone in the world gets 168 hours in the week.  You’re going to use some of that for sleeping.  Chances are good you have a job.  Some people spend some of that time working out.  You probably have families and other relationships. You might have school, or charity work you do.  This is all important, too.  If you’re taking that time to hang out with loves, it’s got to come from somewhere and you certainly don’t want to slack on your other commitments.

As unromantic as it seems, it might be helpful to print out a time management chart¹ and fill in what your real schedule looks like.    Be honest   How much are you really sleeping?  WoW?  Fill in the real time you’re spendin’ on  that, cupcake, and stop looking at me like that!  Fill in commuting time, fill in meal times.  Fill in the time you’re spending reading to your kids, working on projects… Don’t neglect any of it!

Then, you can encourage your loves to do this, too.  After you’ve got it down realistically, you’ll be able to decide between yourselves how much time you really do have for loves.   This only works if you’ve done your best to be honest and accurate when you fill out the time management chart, by the way.  If it’s really only a couple of hours a month that you really have, don’t try to pretend it’s otherwise.  You’ll find fudging expectations and juggling commitments is only going to cause problems.  Be up front.  Be strict with yourself about the new and shiny, too!

For you geeks, there’s plenty of group calendaring software/websites out there.  Start using them.  Yahoo and Google both have options to share their calendars with people and those calendars can sync with many software packages on the market so that you’re all good with your desktop.  PDAs and smartphones are becoming cheaper and you can easily transfer calendaring info from one to the other.

But even if you’re not a geek, come on, you can get a big, cheap paper calendar or whiteboard!²

I know this sounds unromantic and against the whole “go with the flow” preference many have.  However, if you want to be loving, a great way to do it is to be up front about what kind of time commitment you can make to a relationship.  The only way to do that is to know for yourself what kind of time you have to give.

Then you can give without worrying, ’cause you know it’s there and available.  And that makes love more fun.

²I got in the habit of using one back when OLQ was still together and it’s a boon to my busy and ever changing household!

I’ve been googling, browsing communities on LiveJournal and in general just mucking about the internet looking for different columns, articles and information on polyamory. As someone who comes to polyamory from the BDSM community, this was a topic that my partner and I had been discussing from the get-go as one of those general “How do you feel about this?” topics. However..

I really haven’t been able to find any information, or rather helpful information, dealing with a personal quirk of my newly found polyamory. See, my partner is happy to remain monogamous and is fully supportive of me but I’m having troubles adjusting from the “You HAVE to be monogamous!” mindset to the “You know, it’s okay to have romantic feelings for more than one person.” mindset. Everything I’ve been finding seems to focus on the partner who remains monogamous and their being upset. I haven’t found a whole lot for the polyamory newbies who are confused and upset by their feelings! In some regards, I feel like I connect with the upset monogamous partner more than I do with the polyamorous partner yet I am the one with the inclination towards polyamory.

The best thing I can do is to take slow and let relationships develop naturally and on their own but I was hoping there were others out there like me who were/are having troubles adjusting to being polyamorous. There’s no doubt in my mind that this is how I should be but I’m having to work through years of socialization and it’d be nice to know that I’m not alone in this.

Have you ever met people who’ve had similar problems?

Your column is awesome!

*BLUSH* Gawrsh…  Thanks.

Off the top of my head, what it seems like to me is that you feel guilty that you’re having feelings for more than one person.

Guilt is a funny thing, and yes, I’ve known people to feel guilty about something because they felt like they “should”, even when directly told that the people effected are just fine with whatever is going on!  Certainly it says more about your worldview than it does about theirs.

The best thing I can offer is that you take your monogamous partner exactly at his word.  He says he’s fine.  Your letter implies that you have no reason to believe that your partner is not being truthful, so chances are good that he’s fine.   Maybe you’re thinking he shouldn’t be fine with this?

If so, that’s a bit on the disrespectful side when you think about it!   He’s the expert on his feelings, so the respectful thing to do would be to take him at his word.

On the other hand, you don’t have to remake your mind to be poly.  Sure, sure, there may be changes in worldview, and that’s cool, but you’re still you, ya know?

Your question does sound like some self-examination would do you a lot of good — examining the nature of your feelings, your difficulties and why they might be there.

Some useful questions to ask yourself:

• What about polyamory attracts me?
• How do I envision multiple relationships and what changes do I think they may make in my life?
• Why does the idea of those changes seem like a good choice to make?
• What about polyamory is making me feel uncomfortable?
• Does getting over the discomfort seem like a good thing for me to do?
• Am I listening to my doubts?  What are they telling me?
• If I am having trouble adjusting, why is it important to me to be poly?

I’m all for poly (obviously, or I wouldn’t be doing this column!), but I don’t necessarily think that poly is The Ultimate Relationship Style.  Works for me, and that’s cool, but hey, if it doesn’t work for you then that’s okay.  You won’t get kicked out of the Cool Kids Club if you choose not to, any more than being poly is a ticket into the club, you know?

Hope this helps!

One of the big things that often becomes a serious Talking Point in polyamorous relationships is the nature and detail of personal and emotional disclosure — most specifically, disclosure of actions/feelings between your, your loves and your loves’ loves.

This is an area where people often make assumptions that wind up biting them in the butt later. You’ll think that of course your love is going to volunteer comments about romantic feelings she may be having for someone else, and she’s thinking that she doesn’t need to bring it up until she’s contemplating physical action. You feel hurt, she feels intruded upon and WHAM! you’ve got yourself a Relationship Situation.

Allow me to offer an end-run around this nonsense.

A lot of times, though, when you start examining your desires for disclosure, you’ll find a pattern. What you’re really looking for is self-protection - be it from an STD, being abandoned, being surprised out of nowhere with an emotional shock. Not all self-protection in a relationship is bad, but make sure you’re owning your own responsibility for yourself, your wants, your emotions and your needs before you start asking for stuff.

Be specific with what you want. For the love of Anoia[1], please don’t say, “Of course I want full disclosure!” and leave it at that. It’s non-specific, and way the hell too open to interpretation, confusion and irritation. Since we love our partners and the goal is communication rather than brow-beating, give ‘em an easy chance to understand what it is you really want in terms of disclosure.

Ferinstance:

• I want to be told if you or one of your partners gets an STD.[2]
• Please tell me if you’re having sex with someone new. For the purposes of this discussion, I’m defining “sex” as “intent for someone involved to have an orgasm.”
• If you’re considering sleeping with someone new, I’d like to know about it before it happens.

Yes, the last two reflect somewhat different approaches to the way multiple relationships can be handled. It’ll depend very much on what you and your partner(s) mutually agree upon.

There are dozens of others, but we don’t have to get into detail. The point is, what do you want to be told? Think about it carefully, and then ask for that. Sure, you might realize that you didn’t completely envision the ramifications of exactly what you asked for and need to refine. And yes, of course you can ask for something different at a later time. But as a Real Grownup, you are responsible for stepping up to the plate and admitting that your self-knowledge was incomplete and that’s your own problem.

You won’t always be told yes. That might be a dealbreaker. If I had a partner who said, “I want to know about every person about whom you’ve had a sexual fantasy,” chances are good I’d decline. There’s no real way I could honestly commit to doing that. I might have a fantasy I forget about an hour later, ya know? That could be a deal-breaker in some relationships. It’s better to get that out on the table immediately so no-one’s time is wasted.

Does this require self-knowledge? You betcha. In fact, successful relationships in general do. Will you make mistakes and ask for what you thought you wanted in terms of disclosure only to find that’s not quite right? Oh very yes! Welcome to the Human Club.

[2] I choose only to take it to that level. I’m not the CDC here and feel that tracking down three or four levels is not worth my time. You might feel differently and that’s your call.