One of the big things that often becomes a serious Talking Point in polyamorous relationships is the nature and detail of personal and emotional disclosure — most specifically, disclosure of actions/feelings between your, your loves and your loves’ loves.
This is an area where people often make assumptions that wind up biting them in the butt later. You’ll think that of course your love is going to volunteer comments about romantic feelings she may be having for someone else, and she’s thinking that she doesn’t need to bring it up until she’s contemplating physical action. You feel hurt, she feels intruded upon and WHAM! you’ve got yourself a Relationship Situation.
Allow me to offer an end-run around this nonsense.
A lot of times, though, when you start examining your desires for disclosure, you’ll find a pattern. What you’re really looking for is self-protection - be it from an STD, being abandoned, being surprised out of nowhere with an emotional shock. Not all self-protection in a relationship is bad, but make sure you’re owning your own responsibility for yourself, your wants, your emotions and your needs before you start asking for stuff.
Be specific with what you want. For the love of Anoia[1], please don’t say, “Of course I want full disclosure!” and leave it at that. It’s non-specific, and way the hell too open to interpretation, confusion and irritation. Since we love our partners and the goal is communication rather than brow-beating, give ‘em an easy chance to understand what it is you really want in terms of disclosure.
Ferinstance:
- I want to be told if you or one of your partners gets an STD.[2]
- Please tell me if you’re having sex with someone new. For the purposes of this discussion, I’m defining “sex” as “intent for someone involved to have an orgasm.”
- If you’re considering sleeping with someone new, I’d like to know about it before it happens.
Yes, the last two reflect somewhat different approaches to the way multiple relationships can be handled. It’ll depend very much on what you and your partner(s) mutually agree upon.
There are dozens of others, but we don’t have to get into detail. The point is, what do you want to be told? Think about it carefully, and then ask for that. Sure, you might realize that you didn’t completely envision the ramifications of exactly what you asked for and need to refine. And yes, of course you can ask for something different at a later time. But as a Real Grownup, you are responsible for stepping up to the plate and admitting that your self-knowledge was incomplete and that’s your own problem.
You won’t always be told yes. That might be a dealbreaker. If I had a partner who said, “I want to know about every person about whom you’ve had a sexual fantasy,” chances are good I’d decline. There’s no real way I could honestly commit to doing that. I might have a fantasy I forget about an hour later, ya know? That could be a deal-breaker in some relationships. It’s better to get that out on the table immediately so no-one’s time is wasted.
Does this require self-knowledge? You betcha. In fact, successful relationships in general do. Will you make mistakes and ask for what you thought you wanted in terms of disclosure only to find that’s not quite right? Oh very yes! Welcome to the Human Club.
[1] The Goddess of Things Stuck in Drawers.
[2] I choose only to take it to that level. I’m not the CDC here and feel that tracking down three or four levels is not worth my time. You might feel differently and that’s your call.
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September 1st, 2008 at 9:37 am
This was one of our early discussions — of course, we are a small and tight-knit group, but we felt it necessary to think about the possibilities. You hit it right on the nose: a lot of it is self-protection, and for very good reasons.
And yes, we’re still working on it, but recognising that we are all human has helped tremendously.
September 1st, 2008 at 10:16 am
Some people are better at self-disclosure than others. I’ve had partners tell me stuff which, while I found it useful to know in a “this where my mental headspace is right now” kind of way, I wasn’t itching for them to tell me. I’ve had other partners who wouldn’t tell me anything at all unless I crowbarred it from their mouths under an interrogation light (which, I know, sounds like a BDSM scene).
Personally, I fall somewhere in between towards the more tacit end of the scale; I’m not very good at volunteering information unsolicited, but I’ll happily tell a partner every detail they ask for once I have actually been asked. Then again, I’m quite a laid back person - I know now from experience that demanding partners don’t get on well with my “manana manana” approach to life and vice versa.
September 1st, 2008 at 1:18 pm
I think that the biggest thing to remember is that most people don’t like nasty surprises. Part of that is an obligation on your own part to communicate with your partners what you consider a “nasty surprise”. That’s going to be an individual preference and thus has to be made known to those that care about you.
In my opinion it’s all about setting expectations. There’s no one right way to do it, because it depends on the individuals involved. It all comes down to the secret of good relationships: communication.
September 1st, 2008 at 5:04 pm
I like it best when such demands are from the first person point of view. Makes them seem more appropriate:
1. I want to know the following things about your life: _____
2. I will tell you the following things about MY life: _______
3. If you want to know something I haven’t told you, feel free to ask — I’m forgetful.
Crazytalk!
September 2nd, 2008 at 12:09 pm
A favorite quote of mine:
“Communication is to relationship, what breathing is to maintaing life.”
~ Virginia Satir