Ask the Misanthrope: Mental Adjustments, and Reprogramming
Posted by: Goddess of Java in Ask the MisanthropeI’ve been googling, browsing communities on LiveJournal and in general just mucking about the internet looking for different columns, articles and information on polyamory. As someone who comes to polyamory from the BDSM community, this was a topic that my partner and I had been discussing from the get-go as one of those general “How do you feel about this?” topics. However..
I really haven’t been able to find any information, or rather helpful information, dealing with a personal quirk of my newly found polyamory. See, my partner is happy to remain monogamous and is fully supportive of me but I’m having troubles adjusting from the “You HAVE to be monogamous!” mindset to the “You know, it’s okay to have romantic feelings for more than one person.” mindset. Everything I’ve been finding seems to focus on the partner who remains monogamous and their being upset. I haven’t found a whole lot for the polyamory newbies who are confused and upset by their feelings! In some regards, I feel like I connect with the upset monogamous partner more than I do with the polyamorous partner yet I am the one with the inclination towards polyamory.
The best thing I can do is to take slow and let relationships develop naturally and on their own but I was hoping there were others out there like me who were/are having troubles adjusting to being polyamorous. There’s no doubt in my mind that this is how I should be but I’m having to work through years of socialization and it’d be nice to know that I’m not alone in this.
Have you ever met people who’ve had similar problems?
Your column is awesome!
*BLUSH* Gawrsh… Thanks.
Off the top of my head, what it seems like to me is that you feel guilty that you’re having feelings for more than one person.
Guilt is a funny thing, and yes, I’ve known people to feel guilty about something because they felt like they “should”, even when directly told that the people effected are just fine with whatever is going on! Certainly it says more about your worldview than it does about theirs.
The best thing I can offer is that you take your monogamous partner exactly at his word. He says he’s fine. Your letter implies that you have no reason to believe that your partner is not being truthful, so chances are good that he’s fine. Maybe you’re thinking he shouldn’t be fine with this?
If so, that’s a bit on the disrespectful side when you think about it! He’s the expert on his feelings, so the respectful thing to do would be to take him at his word.
On the other hand, you don’t have to remake your mind to be poly. Sure, sure, there may be changes in worldview, and that’s cool, but you’re still you, ya know?
Your question does sound like some self-examination would do you a lot of good — examining the nature of your feelings, your difficulties and why they might be there.
Some useful questions to ask yourself:
- What about polyamory attracts me?
- How do I envision multiple relationships and what changes do I think they may make in my life?
- Why does the idea of those changes seem like a good choice to make?
- What about polyamory is making me feel uncomfortable?
- Does getting over the discomfort seem like a good thing for me to do?
- Am I listening to my doubts? What are they telling me?
- If I am having trouble adjusting, why is it important to me to be poly?
I’m all for poly (obviously, or I wouldn’t be doing this column!), but I don’t necessarily think that poly is The Ultimate Relationship Style. Works for me, and that’s cool, but hey, if it doesn’t work for you then that’s okay. You won’t get kicked out of the Cool Kids Club if you choose not to, any more than being poly is a ticket into the club, you know?
Hope this helps!
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September 8th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
Win!
September 8th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
To the OP – I completely get this.
My partner is monogamous, I’m not. We discussed the possibility for years and he was fine but I was scared that once I took a decisive step there was no going back. Eventually, I fell head over heels in love with another woman and realised I was doing it for real. So far (two years on), the sky hasn’t fallen in.
Talk to your partner, discuss your fears and then, if you think they are genuine, make a choice to believe them. Check in again in a few weeks/months but don’t force them to convince you – that’s not fair on them.
September 29th, 2008 at 10:52 pm
I have a partner that is mono-polygamous, that is, with the 2 of us and ONLY us. My other partner is open to more, as am I.
However, my Lady and I have resigned ourselves to our 3-some so that we don’t lose our Man, since he has issues with another partner, especially of the male sex.
Another aspect of this topic is adjusting to the poly-lifestyle.
It took me a while to adjust to being a poly-unit. Actually, my partners have been truthful with one another most of their relationship.
What an eye-opener it was to counter my sheltered and conservative upbringing where you hid your emotions to make life “easier” for everyone else. NOT!
If we don’t talk, and I mean reeeally talk to our partners, who else are we going to share our lives with?
October 7th, 2008 at 8:04 am
My partner desires a partner friend sister she can trust and someone to fulfill my life to give her freedom. This is more polygamy than Polyamorous and is that how it is Tina?