It’s not unusual for polyamorous people to start pondering about scheduling.
It’s a valid concern, as if you’re poly, you might very well have a lot of people in your life who are important to you and that you want to hang out with.
If you’re lucky, you’ll find that many of your loves like to hang out together in groups. This cuts down on the scheduling issues, but let’s face it, plenty of people do enjoy more one-on-one time with loves. (Not only sex, mind. Oh, that too, but not only sex!)
What do you do?
The first thing that’s useful is to be realistic about how much time you actually have. Everyone in the world gets 168 hours in the week. You’re going to use some of that for sleeping. Chances are good you have a job. Some people spend some of that time working out. You probably have families and other relationships. You might have school, or charity work you do. This is all important, too. If you’re taking that time to hang out with loves, it’s got to come from somewhere and you certainly don’t want to slack on your other commitments.
As unromantic as it seems, it might be helpful to print out a time management chart1 and fill in what your real schedule looks like. Be honest How much are you really sleeping? WoW? Fill in the real time you’re spendin’ on that, cupcake, and stop looking at me like that! Fill in commuting time, fill in meal times. Fill in the time you’re spending reading to your kids, working on projects… Don’t neglect any of it!
Then, you can encourage your loves to do this, too. After you’ve got it down realistically, you’ll be able to decide between yourselves how much time you really do have for loves. This only works if you’ve done your best to be honest and accurate when you fill out the time management chart, by the way. If it’s really only a couple of hours a month that you really have, don’t try to pretend it’s otherwise. You’ll find fudging expectations and juggling commitments is only going to cause problems. Be up front. Be strict with yourself about the new and shiny, too!
For you geeks, there’s plenty of group calendaring software/websites out there. Start using them. Yahoo and Google both have options to share their calendars with people and those calendars can sync with many software packages on the market so that you’re all good with your desktop. PDAs and smartphones are becoming cheaper and you can easily transfer calendaring info from one to the other.
But even if you’re not a geek, come on, you can get a big, cheap paper calendar or whiteboard!2
I know this sounds unromantic and against the whole “go with the flow” preference many have. However, if you want to be loving, a great way to do it is to be up front about what kind of time commitment you can make to a relationship. The only way to do that is to know for yourself what kind of time you have to give.
Then you can give without worrying, ’cause you know it’s there and available. And that makes love more fun.
1 This is just a 24 hour, seven day chart where you can fill in what you’re really doing and when to get an idea of how you’re using your time.
2I got in the habit of using one back when OLQ was still together and it’s a boon to my busy and ever changing household!
as much as the Perils of Poly Scheduling are a huge part of the process (as much as the Perils of Monogamous Scheduling are, truth be told), i think it’s important to acknowledge what’s perhaps the biggest part of the scheduling issue, which is self-determining the *priorities* of all those scheduling elements, as well as the prioritizatione one gives to each of the relationships in question. one can’t accurately prioritize without a good understanding of what needs and wants each relationship is addressing, because that’s the only really effective way to manage addressing said needs whenever priorities have to shift on the fly (work stress, illness, other major life upheavals).
in my experience (my relationships, those close to me, those i see as a counsellor), if the needs aren’t understood, the priorities aren’t clear. if the priorities aren’t expressed and maintained consistently, then scheduling becomes a potential clusterfuck and flag for such underlying issues as “sliding prioritization”. so it’s not just about being realistic with what time you do have available out of that 168 hours a week, it’s also about being consistent in addressing that time according to the relevant priorities across the relationships.
Just wanted to add that low tech paper scheduling forms can be found for free at DIYPlanner.com
Arnora, you’re right. Priorities and communicating them are Very Important Indeed.
You’re also right about the monogamous scheduling.
Honestly, it seems to me the longer I watch Poly Life Love and Relationships, the more I think we Polys ain’t exactly such special snowflakes after all and the skills for good relationships are the same no matter what!
I have found that if partners’ sense of time & priorities don’t match, then discomforts happen. I have “take care of self” (means being ALONE reading, or exercising), “take care of kids”, “take care of company”, and “take care of relationships” as my priorities. But a partner doesn’t understand the “take care of self” and its complexities. So I end up with a lot of “no”, which he doesn’t understand.
I was dissapointed to see that the link for number 1 (the time sheet) led to nothing at all. However, I was persistent, and discovered that when I added an “a” in the correct spot (so that “management” is spelled correctly) I was able to get to the document easily. If the Goddess of Java ever reads this comment, I would respectfully suggest that she replace the broken link with this one:
http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/timemanagement.xls
I can’t tell you how grateful I am for the Poly Community!!
When I was trying to schedule my life and times for loves, I was totally isolated in my pain. The two of them had each other to commiserate with (at least when they were talking), but I had no one, and they each would whine to get more, more, MORE!!! Entire evenings (and sometimes days worth of evenings!) would be spoiled by their Rants and Pouting and complaints of “It’s not fair!” No matter how much time and care I devoted to making it even and taking their special requests into consideration, their complaining only got worse. I had completely lost myself in the whole mess and had a breakdown. Honestly, I’m glad its over. I don’t ever want to be in that kind of situation again.
I had to dump one of them because he was getting too mean, and the other was too traumatized by it all and didn’t deserve that. The one who is still with me is now so traumatized by this that I don’t know if he’ll ever be able to try the Poly thing again. It was both of ours’ first time. I have the multiple capacity to love, but not the multiple capacity to take unearned blame.
Thank you so much for your help!
This has recently become an issue for us, as we are fairly new to the idea that there MUST be equal consideration given to the needs of each partner. Both ladies know I need my ‘Cave-Time’, and my wife mostly gets what she needs from me. All the while, our 3rd hadn’t been expressing her needs, and therefore wasn’t receiving all she needed from me. Our 3rd didn’t think she deserved equal time since she was added to our marriage, and therefore should be less of a priority.
We’re working on it!!