Comments on: Polyamory and Schedule http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2008/09/15/polyamory-and-schedule/ Wielding the Stick of Grandmotherly Kindness Sun, 05 Feb 2012 00:09:44 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Tim http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2008/09/15/polyamory-and-schedule/comment-page-1/#comment-9275 Tim Thu, 26 Mar 2009 05:04:38 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/?p=114#comment-9275 This has recently become an issue for us, as we are fairly new to the idea that there MUST be equal consideration given to the needs of each partner. Both ladies know I need my 'Cave-Time', and my wife mostly gets what she needs from me. All the while, our 3rd hadn't been expressing her needs, and therefore wasn't receiving all she needed from me. Our 3rd didn't think she deserved equal time since she was added to our marriage, and therefore should be less of a priority. We're working on it!! This has recently become an issue for us, as we are fairly new to the idea that there MUST be equal consideration given to the needs of each partner. Both ladies know I need my ‘Cave-Time’, and my wife mostly gets what she needs from me. All the while, our 3rd hadn’t been expressing her needs, and therefore wasn’t receiving all she needed from me. Our 3rd didn’t think she deserved equal time since she was added to our marriage, and therefore should be less of a priority.
We’re working on it!!

]]> By: Whitewave http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2008/09/15/polyamory-and-schedule/comment-page-1/#comment-8592 Whitewave Tue, 27 Jan 2009 19:51:38 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/?p=114#comment-8592 I can't tell you how grateful I am for the Poly Community!! When I was trying to schedule my life and times for loves, I was totally isolated in my pain. The two of them had each other to commiserate with (at least when they were talking), but I had no one, and they each would whine to get more, more, MORE!!! Entire evenings (and sometimes days worth of evenings!) would be spoiled by their Rants and Pouting and complaints of "It's not fair!" No matter how much time and care I devoted to making it even and taking their special requests into consideration, their complaining only got worse. I had completely lost myself in the whole mess and had a breakdown. Honestly, I'm glad its over. I don't ever want to be in that kind of situation again. I had to dump one of them because he was getting too mean, and the other was too traumatized by it all and didn't deserve that. The one who is still with me is now so traumatized by this that I don't know if he'll ever be able to try the Poly thing again. It was both of ours' first time. I have the multiple capacity to love, but not the multiple capacity to take unearned blame. Thank you so much for your help! I can’t tell you how grateful I am for the Poly Community!!

When I was trying to schedule my life and times for loves, I was totally isolated in my pain. The two of them had each other to commiserate with (at least when they were talking), but I had no one, and they each would whine to get more, more, MORE!!! Entire evenings (and sometimes days worth of evenings!) would be spoiled by their Rants and Pouting and complaints of “It’s not fair!” No matter how much time and care I devoted to making it even and taking their special requests into consideration, their complaining only got worse. I had completely lost myself in the whole mess and had a breakdown. Honestly, I’m glad its over. I don’t ever want to be in that kind of situation again.

I had to dump one of them because he was getting too mean, and the other was too traumatized by it all and didn’t deserve that. The one who is still with me is now so traumatized by this that I don’t know if he’ll ever be able to try the Poly thing again. It was both of ours’ first time. I have the multiple capacity to love, but not the multiple capacity to take unearned blame.

Thank you so much for your help!

]]> By: Holly http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2008/09/15/polyamory-and-schedule/comment-page-1/#comment-6681 Holly Thu, 18 Sep 2008 14:37:13 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/?p=114#comment-6681 I was dissapointed to see that the link for number 1 (the time sheet) led to nothing at all. However, I was persistent, and discovered that when I added an "a" in the correct spot (so that "management" is spelled correctly) I was able to get to the document easily. If the Goddess of Java ever reads this comment, I would respectfully suggest that she replace the broken link with this one: http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/timemanagement.xls I was dissapointed to see that the link for number 1 (the time sheet) led to nothing at all. However, I was persistent, and discovered that when I added an “a” in the correct spot (so that “management” is spelled correctly) I was able to get to the document easily. If the Goddess of Java ever reads this comment, I would respectfully suggest that she replace the broken link with this one:

http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/timemanagement.xls

]]> By: Barbara http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2008/09/15/polyamory-and-schedule/comment-page-1/#comment-6652 Barbara Tue, 16 Sep 2008 14:16:54 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/?p=114#comment-6652 I have found that if partners' sense of time & priorities don't match, then discomforts happen. I have "take care of self" (means being ALONE reading, or exercising), "take care of kids", "take care of company", and "take care of relationships" as my priorities. But a partner doesn't understand the "take care of self" and its complexities. So I end up with a lot of "no", which he doesn't understand. I have found that if partners’ sense of time & priorities don’t match, then discomforts happen. I have “take care of self” (means being ALONE reading, or exercising), “take care of kids”, “take care of company”, and “take care of relationships” as my priorities. But a partner doesn’t understand the “take care of self” and its complexities. So I end up with a lot of “no”, which he doesn’t understand.

]]> By: Goddess of Java http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2008/09/15/polyamory-and-schedule/comment-page-1/#comment-6651 Goddess of Java Tue, 16 Sep 2008 13:49:29 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/?p=114#comment-6651 Arnora, you're right. Priorities and communicating them are Very Important Indeed. You're also right about the monogamous scheduling. Honestly, it seems to me the longer I watch Poly Life Love and Relationships, the more I think we Polys ain't exactly such special snowflakes after all and the skills for good relationships are the same no matter what! Arnora, you’re right. Priorities and communicating them are Very Important Indeed.

You’re also right about the monogamous scheduling.

Honestly, it seems to me the longer I watch Poly Life Love and Relationships, the more I think we Polys ain’t exactly such special snowflakes after all and the skills for good relationships are the same no matter what!

]]> By: vrimj http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2008/09/15/polyamory-and-schedule/comment-page-1/#comment-6650 vrimj Tue, 16 Sep 2008 13:38:08 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/?p=114#comment-6650 Just wanted to add that low tech paper scheduling forms can be found for free at DIYPlanner.com Just wanted to add that low tech paper scheduling forms can be found for free at DIYPlanner.com

]]> By: arnora http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2008/09/15/polyamory-and-schedule/comment-page-1/#comment-6639 arnora Mon, 15 Sep 2008 12:08:38 +0000 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/?p=114#comment-6639 as much as the Perils of Poly Scheduling are a huge part of the process (as much as the Perils of Monogamous Scheduling are, truth be told), i think it's important to acknowledge what's perhaps the biggest part of the scheduling issue, which is self-determining the *priorities* of all those scheduling elements, as well as the prioritizatione one gives to each of the relationships in question. one can't accurately prioritize without a good understanding of what needs and wants each relationship is addressing, because that's the only really effective way to manage addressing said needs whenever priorities have to shift on the fly (work stress, illness, other major life upheavals). in my experience (my relationships, those close to me, those i see as a counsellor), if the needs aren't understood, the priorities aren't clear. if the priorities aren't expressed and maintained consistently, then scheduling becomes a potential clusterfuck and flag for such underlying issues as "sliding prioritization". so it's not just about being realistic with what time you do have available out of that 168 hours a week, it's also about being consistent in addressing that time according to the relevant priorities across the relationships. as much as the Perils of Poly Scheduling are a huge part of the process (as much as the Perils of Monogamous Scheduling are, truth be told), i think it’s important to acknowledge what’s perhaps the biggest part of the scheduling issue, which is self-determining the *priorities* of all those scheduling elements, as well as the prioritizatione one gives to each of the relationships in question. one can’t accurately prioritize without a good understanding of what needs and wants each relationship is addressing, because that’s the only really effective way to manage addressing said needs whenever priorities have to shift on the fly (work stress, illness, other major life upheavals).

in my experience (my relationships, those close to me, those i see as a counsellor), if the needs aren’t understood, the priorities aren’t clear. if the priorities aren’t expressed and maintained consistently, then scheduling becomes a potential clusterfuck and flag for such underlying issues as “sliding prioritization”. so it’s not just about being realistic with what time you do have available out of that 168 hours a week, it’s also about being consistent in addressing that time according to the relevant priorities across the relationships.

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