Comments on: Don’t Let the Dishes Get Crusty

By: Tina

Tina — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 02:31:36 +0000

Agreed. Agreed. Agreed.
Although it is sometimes good to let things calm down a bit before talking about it. There have been a few instances where 1 little thing tips the scale and “Boom!”, the world comes crashing down.
Letting steam vent a bit before erupting can do wonders.
I’ve been told that in talking about something right away, I sound “venomous”. In those cases, I remove myself from the situation and go back with a bit less emotion.

By: Rick

Rick — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 06:29:52 +0000

Sometimes what’s bothering you, tho, is simply a reality (if temporary), and no amount of talking will solve the problem. So in theory you should control yourself and not pick at the scab, but we’s human.

By: Edward Martin III

Edward Martin III — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 16:54:04 +0000

Well, I’d change that one paragraph to read:

I reward partners who bring me early-stage little problems, usually by some combination of solving the problem, plus a healthy dose of oral sex. Partners who bring me big problems get offered catastrophic solutions and their histrionics are ignored if they don’t participate immediately participate in the solution.

There’s just no need to punish partners — if they’re fucked up, that’s enough punishment.

By: Edward Martin III

Edward Martin III — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 16:51:30 +0000

Speaking as a guy, I have to say I prefer problems being presented when they’re small.

Small problems are easier to fix.

Big problems usually require catastrophic level solutions.

Big problems that are disguised as little problems had best get used to working with little solutions.

I reward partners who bring me early-stage little problems, usually by some combination of solving the problem, plus a healthy dose of oral sex. I punish partners who bring me big problems by offering catastrophic solutions and ignoring their histrionics if they don’t participate immediately participate in the solution.

People who keep me up past my bedtime had best be engaged in wall-shaking sex — late night is no time to solve big problems (except for the big problem of which wall to shake during wall-shaking sex).

People who choose to stew over an issue have no one to blame but themselves. That is an action that weighs against a potential partner.

By: Rainy

Rainy — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 15:03:42 +0000

Good one.

I think that there’s a distinction to be made between “Now isn’t a good time to bring this relatively small thing up, so I’ll stew on it and punish you silently and be mad for 48 hours until I finally decide I’m ready to talk about it.” and “Now isn’t a good time, so I’m going to let this one go for a few hours and then we’ll talk.” and really letting it go for a few hours. If you’re going to let it go for a few hours, if it’s a small thing, then truly let it go until you’re willing to talk about it. The former is something too much like passive aggressive bullshit, but unfortunately all too common. If a small thing upsets you or tweaks your buttons and you need to think about it before you talk about it, FINE. But you don’t get to use it like a silent stick on the other person. Because then? It turns into one of those “We have to talk.” things. Rapidly.

Nothing makes me more frustrated and upset than feeling like I’ve been punished for 2 days for something I know not what, only to have someone cough up this tiny thing that could have been resolved on the spot, and say, “Well I needed to think about it.” when I call them on why they’re beating me with the emotional baseball bat of Not Talking.

By: michichoeret

michichoeret — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 13:40:33 +0000

agree very much with this need to work things out idea. but don’t think any male will agree there may be something that needs work. men are the perpetual ostriches. deaf ostriches even. whatever bothers her is always her problem. “the crazy frustrated female should go get help somewhere” or “buy herself a new outfit”

By: Pete

Pete — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 13:29:36 +0000

I think this may just be the greatest Misanthrope column in, like, the history of ever.

By: David

David — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 13:28:56 +0000

I hate to say but I agree with Soli. Virtually every time I’ve heard the phrase “We need to talk,” it’s prefaced the lines “That sounds ominous” and “It is” – often followed by a break-up. :|

The author is absolutely right – good effective communication and dealing with the big problems before they become big problems is a very, very good habit to get into. I’m still learning the knack of it…

By: Soli

Soli — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 13:12:43 +0000

Ugh, I hate that “we need to talk” phrase, especially given how often I’ve heard it followed up with a list of my problems and sometimes after THAT a breakup.

Effective communication is such an elusive beast.