Daily Archives: October 13, 2008

Personal Ad Translation Service

Personal ads tend to have their own code.  You won’t realize exactly what the person is really expressing until you get involved with them.  So here I am, in my infinite generosity, to explain a little about this and decode some of the more common phrases found in ads looking for relationships.

I have a lot of love to share – I am a needy, selfish prick who needs an inordinate amount of reassurance about my wonderfulness.  I will be soft, sweet and gentle until you do not meet my expectations.  Then the fangs come out.

I run my own online business, so can make my own hours and spend lots of time with you – I play a lot of WoW1 while my partner makes enough money for my household.  I will not be spending lots of time either with you or my business.

I love to cuddle – If you like rare steak, Heavy Metal or good vodka, I’m probably not for you.

I value discretion in a partner – I’m cheating.  Prepare for drama.

Looking for someone sweet – Don’t ever disagree with me.

I am recovering from having my heart broken and am trying to learn to trust again – You will be the next Evil Ex.

Looking for a bisexual woman to complete our marriage – We’re unicorn hunters.  Hope you have a fetish for childcare, cleaning houses and pretending you don’t exist when our family comes to visit.

I’m sensitive – I’m touchy and probably passive-aggressive.

I’m a nice guy – I’m nice for certain values of “nice” and am offended by the articles at Heartless Bitches International.

I like strong women - I have an Oedipal Complex the likes of which God has never seen.

I’m working on a book – I want to look intellectual.  Admire me.  But don’t ask me about my production schedule.

I like sensitive men – I want someone I can bully into obeying me.

My wife has stopped sleeping with me – I’ve stopped bathing, brushing my teeth or spending any time on foreplay.

Masterful, looking for a submissive – You can probably have me curled up in the corner sucking my thumb in less than ten minutes.

Looking for my soulmate – I will realize it wasn’t True Love when something better comes along -even if I’m poly.

I love classical music –  I think that the use of Für Elise in Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown was kinda cool and will give you a blank stare if you ask me what I think of Baroque.

I like Sci-Fi2 – I watch a lot of movies and pay a lot for my TV.

I’m into SCA/Renfaires/Historical Re-enactments – Do not ever go to a period film with me.  The costuming choices are capable of ruining my evening.

I’m into Tantra and am looking for a heart connection – I won’t admit I like to fuck and want to wrap it up into spiritual bows to make me look advanced.

I’m a Wiccan – I think Marion Zimmer Bradly wrote history rather than fiction.  My other critical thinking skills reflect this.

I’m a martial artist – I am worse than William Shatner’s most appalling Trekkie nightmare when it comes to discussing esoteria.  Run.

I think the Polyamorous Misanthrope is way too judgmental – I’m pretty perceptive.

1Yes, yes, I know that there really are self-employed people who make a real, live living at it. They’re in the minority, and they’re often more time-crunched than people with “real” jobs.

2Actual fans tend to abbreviate it to SF, and will usually name specific fandoms. There are a lot of them.