Personal ads tend to have their own code. You won’t realize exactly what the person is really expressing until you get involved with them. So here I am, in my infinite generosity, to explain a little about this and decode some of the more common phrases found in ads looking for relationships.
I have a lot of love to share - I am a needy, selfish prick who needs an inordinate amount of reassurance about my wonderfulness. I will be soft, sweet and gentle until you do not meet my expectations. Then the fangs come out.
I run my own online business, so can make my own hours and spend lots of time with you - I play a lot of WoW1 while my partner makes enough money for my household. I will not be spending lots of time either with you or my business.
I love to cuddle - If you like rare steak, Heavy Metal or good vodka, I’m probably not for you.
I value discretion in a partner - I’m cheating. Prepare for drama.
Looking for someone sweet - Don’t ever disagree with me.
I am recovering from having my heart broken and am trying to learn to trust again - You will be the next Evil Ex.
Looking for a bisexual woman to complete our marriage - We’re unicorn hunters. Hope you have a fetish for childcare, cleaning houses and pretending you don’t exist when our family comes to visit.
I’m sensitive - I’m touchy and probably passive-aggressive.
I’m a nice guy - I’m nice for certain values of “nice” and am offended by the articles at Heartless Bitches International.
I like strong women - I have an Oedipal Complex the likes of which God has never seen.
I’m working on a book - I want to look intellectual. Admire me. But don’t ask me about my production schedule.
I like sensitive men - I want someone I can bully into obeying me.
My wife has stopped sleeping with me - I’ve stopped bathing, brushing my teeth or spending any time on foreplay.
Masterful, looking for a submissive - You can probably have me curled up in the corner sucking my thumb in less than ten minutes.
Looking for my soulmate - I will realize it wasn’t True Love when something better comes along -even if I’m poly.
I love classical music - I think that the use of Für Elise in Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown was kinda cool and will give you a blank stare if you ask me what I think of Baroque.
I like Sci-Fi2 - I watch a lot of movies and pay a lot for my TV.
I’m into SCA/Renfaires/Historical Re-enactments - Do not ever go to a period film with me. The costuming choices are capable of ruining my evening.
I’m into Tantra and am looking for a heart connection - I won’t admit I like to fuck and want to wrap it up into spiritual bows to make me look advanced.
I’m a Wiccan - I think Marion Zimmer Bradly wrote history rather than fiction. My other critical thinking skills reflect this.
I’m a martial artist - I am worse than William Shatner’s most appalling Trekkie nightmare when it comes to discussing esoteria. Run.
I think the Polyamorous Misanthrope is way too judgmental - I’m pretty perceptive.
1Yes, yes, I know that there really are self-employed people who make a real, live living at it. They’re in the minority, and they’re often more time-crunched than people with “real” jobs.
2Actual fans tend to abbreviate it to SF, and will usually name specific fandoms. There are a lot of them.
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October 13th, 2008 at 9:50 am
Most of these phrases aren’t always so dishonest and doublespeakish, though. Is this partially written with tongue in cheek?
October 13th, 2008 at 10:11 am
I think that the Goddess of Java’s tongue is so firmly enplanted within her cheek that is will never escape it’s clutches…
I object mildly to the “I love to cuddle” translation. It’s perfectly possible - and great fun - cuddling up while listening to Heavy Metal, eating rare steak and drinking good vodka. ;p
October 13th, 2008 at 10:27 am
“I run my own online business, so can make my own hours and spend lots of time with you” = I run a dozen different pornsites, and will cajole you to model for one or more of them. Should you break up with me, expect to see yourself online in all the footage from the hidden cameras in my room.
October 13th, 2008 at 10:36 am
LibraryRaven, I’ve been a martial artist, am into historical reenactments, am working on a book, and love classical music (though prefer baroque) and science fiction and do make a living by my own business, most of which is conducted online. What do you think?
October 13th, 2008 at 11:03 am
Looking for a bisexual woman to complete our marriage - We’re unicorn hunters. Hope you have a fetish for childcare, cleaning houses and pretending you don’t exist when our family comes to visit.
“Hot bi babe, hot bi babe, hot bi hot bi hot bi babe….”
October 13th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
The part about historical costuming in movies being off? Oh my god. It is SO true. My partners won’t go to period style movies with me anymore. *laugh*
Also, mmmm. Rare steak. OM NOM NOM NOM. First the kinky sex, then the steak (or hey, a slab of pork ribs works to similar effect), and THEN we cuddle. While watching TV we paid too much for.
October 13th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
@Rainy
*chuckles*
Sounds like last weekend. *grin* It has its benefits.
October 13th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
So true. Soooo true. If I never meet another SNAG (sensitive new age guy/gal) or SCAdian again, it won’t be too soon. *Especially* the poly ones.
October 13th, 2008 at 9:55 pm
I wasn’t entirely awake when I first read this. *giggle* I know you are pretty tongue-in-cheek most of the time, and most of these have a hell of a lot of truth to them, for sure.
October 14th, 2008 at 7:38 am
I’m careful and conscientious
I’ll nag and whine and obsess until you ADMIT that “Marion Zimmer Bradly” is actually spelled “Bradley”!
October 14th, 2008 at 7:47 am
I am a SCAdian and won’t go to a “period’ movie with my costuming friends UNLESS I am into an MST3000 type of night. We all prefer to rent those, and have a trash party. Now, if I want to actually SEE the movie? I go on my own or with the non-costuming crew *lol*
oo and you forgot my favorite…
“I am fit and looking for same” - I am heavier than a 4 ton truck, hate it, and want to sucker someone into a date that I can either make feel bad, or who will make me feel bad - because humiliation is my thing!
Thus does the bbw speak *grin*
October 14th, 2008 at 8:50 am
Sorry, Alan. I’m a Mom. I learned the hard way not to reward whining. *grin*
October 14th, 2008 at 8:53 am
@sinistral:
Never seen the “fit” one in conjunction with someone who didn’t look like he could kick my butt in the weight room. (Says the BBW gym rat).
October 15th, 2008 at 8:05 pm
*snickers* I’m with Rainy (and, apparently, you) on the Delicious Meat + Heavy Metal + Kinky Sex + Cuddle front
:D 
(And, heh. I’m going to say NOTHING about the fact that I’m a bisexual woman about to go visit with my married partners, during which time I will care for their child and help them pack up for a move, and I’m gonna LIKE it. Hehe. *polishes horn*)
October 20th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
I find it a good “Not for me” marker if anyone mentions “Heartless Bitches International” in any kind of positive light.
October 20th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
See, DDA, information is GOOD
October 25th, 2008 at 10:28 pm
I’m a sensitive SCAdian who’s into SciFi. I like cuddling and strong women, and I have a lot of love to share. While all of this may be off-putting, I really am just a nice guy, and the Polyamorous Misanthrope is a smidge too judgmental.
October 26th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
*kisses* You’re so cute when you’re snarky, Wolfger.
December 2nd, 2008 at 10:11 am
(laugh) It’s stuff like points on the SCA and Wicca that make me reiterate my belief that those of us who are SANE need to step up and let people see not all of these people are fruitcakes.
And I promise that once the holidays are over I will sit down and work on the damn book for two hours every night, now that I figured out that central plot problem…..
But my problem with historical movies isn’t that the costuming sucks. I can ignore that. It’s the wilful butchering of history to fit a plot when the history is plenty dramatic and sexy without a selective retelling that annoys me. Of course, I can’t sit through a movie anyway.