The Polyamorous Misanthrope

This guest column was written by Edward Martin, III.

A lot of people seem to have a lot of trouble talking with their partners. Now, sometimes, I can understand this. Some topics are embarrassing, or awkward or uncomfortable. Some topics are even potentially dangerous to the relationship. So, yeah, talking with partners can be tricky.

And it’s not like talking with strangers, either. You don’t have momentum with strangers. You first meet someone and if they ask you what you’re into, you can TELL them “I only REALLY like sex when you’re dressed as a clown and I’m your little trick puppy.” Hell, you might just get it. But somehow, when you’ve got a partner of a couple years, it suddenly becomes a lot harder to talk with them about uncomfortable, embarrassing, awkward, or even dicey topics.

A lot of people relate this problem, and for a lot of them – especially if they come from a restrictive sexuality mindset – there’s a dynamic in place that actually CONTIBUTES to this difficulty.

This dynamic is combat.

It sounds funny and silly and childish when I put it that way, which is, of course, accurate. A lot of people who don’t have their heads screwed on straight approach difficulties with their partners as if it’s some kind of combat, as if they are entering the battlefield and they’ve got to make sure they have a Full Tactical Dossier on the other person, and be fully girded against attacks and be ready to unleash Nuclear Fuckup if need be and, and, and…

And that’s where they make the first mistake.

Your partner is not your enemy.

Seems simple on the face of it, so I’m going to type it again, because if feels so damn good.

Your partner is not your enemy.

Your enemy is probably a disagreement or a misunderstanding or a fear or a worry or that asshole next door who can’t stop glaring at your customers when they come over and freaking them out. But it’s not your partner.

Your partner is not your enemy.

Your partner is your ally.

So, go ahead and think about that awkward topic, that difficult subject, that tricky proposition. Yes, it’s awkward, difficult, or tricky, and yes, you probably have all kinds of issues surrounding whether or not you even want to talk about it, but on the list of six billion people available on the planet, there’s at least ONE you absolutely KNOW is your ally and that’s your partner. Treat them that way. Approach them as an ally, ask them to help you find a solution to this, offer your services as well (after all, you definitely haz got your mad skilz). Together, you will find a solution, and your partner will be keenly interested in helping, because…

Your partner is not your enemy.

And, of course, conversely, you had best be remembering the same thing. When your partner comes to you with a problem, a tricky, awkward bit of a problem, you are being engaged as an ally. Act like it. Your partner needs you. Maybe whatever the problem was involves you, too, and you would like a little of that “not your enemy” love right back. You’re gonna have to wait, because they asked you first, so it’s your turn to wear the Big Boy pants (even if you’re a girl, unless you’re a girl from Innsmouth, in which case you wear the Big Thing Fishnets), and be their ally and help solve the problem.

Afterward, chances are, you’ll discover you don’t HAVE your own problem anymore (helping partners sometimes produces this effect – deal with it, because resentment helps no one you love), but even if you do, you can always ask for help.

Know why?

Because your partner’s not your enemy.

They’re your ally.

Stick that on the fridge.

Enemies and Allies © 2008, Edward Martin, III

Used by permission

All Rights Reserved

Edward Martin III’s a writer and filmmaker living in the Pacific Northwest. Other essays and reflections of his can be found at http://www.petting-zoo.org/NonFiction.html and his movies can be found at http://www.guerrilla-productions.org/ he also does these

animations: http://www.petting-zoo.org/Hardcore.html

That was the best sex/meal/evening I ever had!

Ever said anything like that?  Ever said anything like that to a lover what wasn’t included in on said activity?  What kind of reaction did you get?  Maybe none.  Maybe one that wasn’t so nice.  For any human being that ever has the slightest bit of insecurity (and to be honest, I’m hard put to think of someone who has none at all), sometimes there is a little “Am I really good enough?” going on in the back of their minds.

People like to feel special and unique.  Fortunately, they are, which is really cool.  But it means that comparisons can be pretty insensitive and unproductive, possibly even a little untruthful. It’s best to avoid them.  While I wouldn’t encourage untruthfulness, it might do you good in your relationships to decide if comparison really is going to be the most loving thing to do.

This isn’t to say you need to pretend you didn’t have a great meal or a really good time, either.  Truthfulness is good.  You can say, “I had a wonderful evening,” and be truthful without making an implied negative comparison about someone that, in theory, you love.

Part of the fun of poly, I think, is that you can appreciate a partner for exactly the person they are without feeling the need to compare or worry about the whole, “trading up” thing.  People are unique.  Each and every relationship is unique because relationships are made up of those unique people.  Celebrate that.  It really is part of the fun of being poly.

I’ve had lovers that were extraordinarily well-hung and liked the whole pounding you to the mattress thing, I’ve had lovers that were super hot to look at, lovers that were fantastic at cunnilingus, lovers who were amazingly sensitive about catching cues, lovers who were into some really delightfully kinky stuff, lovers whose idea of a good time was junk food and movie, lovers whose idea of a good time was a political debate, lovers who wanted to go out and party until you dropped, lovers who enjoyed a combination of all that…

Each person is a unique human being, and enjoying that time for exactly what it is without making the comparisons is probably the loving way to go.

In an unusual and unscheduled post, I’d encourage people to check this out. It’s quite eloquent.

If it ain’t about love…

If you’re having a hard time with the video, the text is here.

Dear Goddess of Java,

My husband and I have a wonderful marriage of nine years. I am bi-sexual and he is very supportive of this. We have always talked about our desire to have a long-term polyamorous relationship, but until recently we couldn’t seem to find the right woman. Now we believe that we have. This woman is intelligent, fun to be with, and incredibly beautiful. She has been hurt in past relationships and she has children whom she adores but don’t live with her at the moment (a situation which she is trying to change). We have children also and my husband and I think we could be very good for her. The only problem is that she’s not sure she wants a relationship with a couple. She has admitted that she finds us attractive and that she enjoys spending time with us, but she is currently involved with a single man and she thinks it may be getting serious. We really, really like this woman (I’d go as far as to admit that we’re both madly in love with her). More than anything we want her to be happy and if being with this other guy is ultimately the best thing for her and makes her happy then we will support her in that decision, but honestly we believe that as a couple we can make her happier. How do we convince her to give us a chance? I am not a very outgoing or aggressive type person so I am having trouble figuring out how to seduce this woman and draw her into our relationship without scaring her away.

Do you have any advice? Please.

Sincerely,

Shy and In Love

You know, I think you know the answer to this one.

Yes, indeed, ask for what you want. It doesn’t have to be extravagant. In fact, it’s probably better if it’s not. All you have to say is, “Look, we’re nuts about you. Would you please consider giving us a chance?”

Then she gets to decide.

You’ve stated that you want her to make her own choices and that’s very good. Seducing and all that isn’t really going to be what has the best outcome here. If a simple straightforward request would scare her away, then this woman isn’t for you anyway. Polyamory, and indeed most relationships, work best when you can interact clearly and directly. If you have to use anything but your own natural behavior to “convince” her to be with you, I can pretty much promise a train wreck eventually.

If you’re saying by not being very outgoing or aggressive that you have trouble clearly asking for what you want, may I make a small suggestion?

Work on that.

Relationships without clear communication and with people who don’t get that asking for what you want is the way to go can become difficult and painful for all involved. As I’ve said before, asking is not demanding. Asking means that sometimes you get “yes” and sometimes you get “no”.

In the case of this woman that you’re head over heels for, asking is definitely the way to go. If she says “yes”, you’ve laid some much better groundwork for a healthy relationship because you stepped up to the plate, asked clearly and calmly for what you’d like and established a precedent for clear and direct communication. If she says no, you still win, because you’ve had the courage to ask for what you want, and have the extra shiny karma of being respectful of people’s boundaries.

Good Luck!

Goddess of Java

Have you been considering polyamory?  Wondering where you want to go with your relationships?  Do you wonder if you’re really ready to take the leap?

If you’re wondering, that’s good.  It means you’re thinking.  Mama Java approves of thinking about things clearly.  When you get to thinking, you’ll need to start asking yourself some searching questions.  Nope, these aren’t questions you want to ask a partner, if you have one.  Though I really, really hope your partners will ask these questions of themselves.

1. Am I willing to acknowledge I am not a mind-reader?

One of the distressing things I often notice in relationships is that we’re often just sure we know what the other person is thinking.  Whenever you catch yourself thinking you can read minds, stop.  Put it aside until you can ask.  Then act on what you’re told.

This has a twofold benefit.  The first is that you’re training yourself to stop putting your own thoughts and feelings on other people.  The second is that if you act on what you’re told, you’ll find that you’ll be told the truth more often.  If you act on “mindreading” you’ll find that you often won’t encourage people to communicate with you because it’ll feel pointless.  If what one says doesn’t matter, often one becomes disinclined to speak.

2. Am I willing to speak up about my wants?

I’ve talked a lot about asking for what you want.  This is different from insisting on having your way, mind.  Yes, sometimes you will be told “no”.  But I promise not always.  Give your partners the opportunity to say “yes”.

In the past year, I’ve been making my living as a freelancer.  One of the more interesting things about the profession is that I’ve learned not to take “no” all that damn personally.  To make money when you’re marketing yourself, you’re kind of playing the numbers.  The attitude that “no” isn’t really a big hairy deal has spilled over into relationships.  I know it sounds goofy, but I’ve found that my ego just isn’t tied into whether or not someone wants to do what I want.  Sometimes, it’s something I can blow off with no big deal, and yeah, sometimes it’s as much of a dealbreaker as someone not wanting to pay me what my time is worth professionally.  But in either case, I don’t take it personally.  I’m allowed to ask, and the other person is allowed to say “no”.

3. Am I willing to admit my crystal ball is really just a lump of silicon?

If you ever find yourself getting into fortunetelling, STOPPIT.  This is a relationship-killer, I don’t give a damn if you’re talking about a romantic relationship, your relationship with your kids, your friends or your boss.  Just… don’t go there.

4. Do I feel if whatever activity going on isn’t the “best” then it’s really worthless?

Falling into the comparison trap is a real, real bad idea.  Whether it’s that you’re seeking perfection for yourself or thinking you have to be the Perfect One for someone else, it’s not conducive to a good poly relationship either way.

If you can’t get away from that just yet, you’re not really in a position where polyamory is going to be making you very happy.

5. Do I pull out my driver’s license or look in the mirror when asking myself, “Now just who got me into this mess?”

Thou Art God, friends.  If you’re not willing to accept that your choices are your responsibility, you’re not ready for romantic relationships at all.   Wrap your mind around that first.

A dear friend of mine recently commented, “There’s nothing quite so cathartic or educational as screaming “What’s your fucking problem, anyway?!” at the mirror.

Seems to solve most of my problems, anyway.”

He’s quite right.  The blame game ain’ta gonna cut it in a poly relationship.  Monogamous relationships can sometimes just barely stand up to it.  Poly?   Forget it.  Won’t work.

If you think that this list isn’t polyamory specific, you’re right.  I reiterate until I feel like a stalled MP3 that there’s very little in this world that’s polyamory specific.  Anything that’ll make you a more effective, loving, happier person is probably going to be good for poly relationships as well.