Of course its nice to try and approach your partner as though he or she was your ally, but if it turns out not to be the case, you’re setting yourself up for some serious damage. I think the real question is how can we feel comfortable in the knowledge that our partner is not, in fact, our enemy. From there, everything should fall into place.

I hereby declare that DDA and Edward Martin III should never be in a relationship together, since they can’t agree on how to argue.

There, that should settle it. ;P

No you didn’t. You made shit up, attributed to me, and then acted all offended at me for it. The quotes you used could have basically been random. When I tried to clarify the difference between what I was writing and what you insisted I meant, you ignored it in favor of what you needed to insist.

And THAT — as I’ve made clear — is what’s lame.

If you don’t understand what I’ve written, I don’t mind clarifying, but if you can’t let go of your own interpretation, then I’m sure you’ll pardon my ducking out of that chat between you and your mirror.

Good advice.

“…that’s just lame.”

I objected to your judgmental statements and your justification for them. If that’s lame, so be it.

Yep. I’ve found this as well.

And it can be a hard lesson to learn.

It seems to me that the more comfortable one is in one’s own skin, identifying one’s own needs, and feeling like it’s okay to even HAVE those needs, the less likely one is to view nearest and dearest as enemies. In other words, without self-acceptance, it’s much more likely we’ll project our inner doubts onto the people closest to us.

And yes, I might have had this happen to me once or twice. :)

That’s a good one!

The phrase that Kyeli and I use to remind each other of this is “We’re on the same team.” It helps us reframe the situation from “you versus me” to “you and me together, working together versus the problem we’re trying to solve.”

Another useful reminder phrase is “Assume Love.” I often jump to assuming the worst possible conclusion, but instead if I assume the best intentions, we don’t get into combat mode.

Now this is all assuming that you and your partner are actually on the same team, and that there isn’t anything abusive or manipulative or otherwise unhealthy going on. Assuming love and saying “we’re on the same team” in that situation is just enabling more badness. But in healthy relationships, these sorts of things can be very helpful reminders.