The Polyamorous Misanthrope

This week’s column is a guest piece by Edward Martin, III.

How do I “break the news” I’m poly?

This question rolls around a lot, especially on boards and meetings where there’s a lot of new folks, or folks that have just started dating, or aliens that have only recently arrived on Earth and haven’t quite figured out exactly how humans interact.

Maybe there’s a fourth category.

The basic question is this: “Gee, I’m poly and I’ve met this great person and want to ask them out on a date or two, but I’m not sure about the how and when of revealing that I’m poly. What should I do?”

A necessary digression:

First of all, note that this question – like so many other questions – never has to be asked more than once. Once you have an answer that works, you can pretty much use the same technique for everybody. If the answer you’ve been offered or that you’ve come up with can’t be used for practically all instances, you’ve probably just come up with an answer that’s not viable (my preference is solving General Equations, because I don’t like to do a lot of work – it’s like learning how to do addition, instead of memorizing all possible answers to all possible addition problems).

Second — and this is really important if you hate being redundant and doing redundant work over and over and over and over — is that you, personally, don’t have to come up with a solution. It’s true! Ever watch someone suffer horrible burns on their hands by grabbing a red hot stove element, and then wondering if maybe your Magical Powers will protect you if you grab the same element? No, because any idiot can see that a red-hot stove element will make you scream like a little girl if you touch it, and learning that lesson indirectly is tremendously better than learning it first-hand. (my sympathies to the people who burned their hands, but thank you for teaching me that danger!) Okay, where were we? Right – coming out to potential partners/lovers.

There are two ways of going about this. Follow along all the way to the end, though, because the two ways are very different from each other.

The first way is easy: They’ll figure it out. They’ll figure it out because they’ve hung around you, or hung around your friends. They’ll see you have at least one partner, probably more, and that everyone’s communicative, comfortable, and cool. Maybe they’ll see the family pictures on the wall*, or how the kids kiss four parents goodnight. They’ll see it at parties, or see it during dinner, or other social events. They’ve already been introduced to everybody, and have all the first names down.

The only big “reveal” here is of the potential interest (which, frankly, is obvious by this time).

Now, surely, there will be some folks who claim this is a sort of “time-traveling” solution, that you would have to go backwards in time to arrange for all of this before you belly up to the bar with your Special Digital Effect hanging out. What they call “time-traveling” I call “planning ahead.” Planning ahead takes very little breaking of the laws of physics. You just put things in the right order from the get-go. The “reveal” shouldn’t involve any sort of huge problem, if it’s placed near the end of the sequence. There’s the cart and there’s the horse. Hook them up in the right order and you find that you have lots more problem-solving brains left over for those really tough Sudoku challenges, and learning Cantonese.

“Planning ahead” is one of those things that separates adults from children, and humans from animals. You want to target “adult human,” in your brain so plan ahead. A mistake might happen, but there’s no reason for it to happen more than once (preferably, it happens to someone else where you can observe and learn).
Speaking of horses and carts, that brings me to the second way.

The second way is even easier: Don’t bother, because it’s not a high priority item for you. If it were important to you and the other person, if you wanted a Deep Meaningful Relationship With a Partner, then you would have put your horse and cart in the appropriate order. See “The First Way.” Enjoy the hot monkey sex and if it becomes an issue, then be casual and mature about it. It takes two (or more) to tango, and if none of the involved parties bothered asking, then it’s safe to assume that – should you want things to Go A Little Further – it’s just not a dealbreaker, high-priority kind of item.

Note that this is all reciprocal, by the way. If you’re being romanced by someone and they prioritize introducing you to the family and their social structure, then chances are pretty good this is what they consider important. If they instead prioritize tiling the floor with clothing, and you’re cool with that, then remember that if other issues come up later.

There is a third way, which involves only dating people who have already been clearly identified as poly, and of course, you can do that, but sometimes it just seems so incestuous. Besides, if you’re going to a priori limit your pool, you just might miss out on something really exciting. Good or bad, I suppose.

* this is how people who may appear to be single can reveal they’re poly, as well as provide an excellent example of how well they might speak of their exes. We don’t have to talk much about people who are single because of how venomous they are about their exes and soon-to-be-exes, naturally, because that’s one of those “duh” moments.

** Now, for those really rare birds that have no past, and make no conversation where they can slide in the fact that they are not sexually restrictive, their best bet is to assume nobody in their right mind would subscribe to a restrictive sexuality and act accordingly, which would probably (assuming they were acting in a mature fashion) include asking after other people their intended may be dating. If that dosn’t open the conversation up in the right direction, you might as well start rolling percentile dice.

I Have Something to Tell You © 2008, Edward Martin, III

Used by permission

All Rights Reserved

Edward Martin III’s a writer and filmmaker living in the Pacific Northwest. Other essays and reflections of his can be found at http://www.petting-zoo.org/NonFiction.html and his movies can be found at http://www.guerrilla-productions.org/ he also does these animations: http://www.petting-zoo.org/Hardcore.html

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I mentioned in last week’s column that there are legitimate reasons why one might want to keep one’s romantic life quite private.   A poly person in the military or any other profession where witchhunts for sexual deviance are likely is probably either gonna want to change careers and be out or keep her mouth shut about it.

I have stated before that I think it’s safer for the poly family to make sure they live somewhere where nothing they’re doing is illegal and to be “out”¹.  I stand by that.  Notice, I say that I think it’s safer.  Not more moral.  Not more noble.  Not “better”.  I personally think that transparency is safer in the long run.

But, ya know, that’s easy for me to say.  It really is.  My financial status is enhanced by being a weirdo and being quirky.  I have no exes who would care to try to draw me into a lawsuit or custody battle.  I’m not important enough to “go after”. I’ve made some very specific and solid choices in my life to ensure that this is so.  Now, if we have A Handmaid’s Tale style government takeover, I will be considerably less safe and I know it. But given our present circumstances, I’ve made choices that make it pretty safe for me to be a weirdo publicly.

Those choices aren’t noble.  I think that’s really what I want to get across.  They’re just choices with a price just like any other choice people make.  Other people might choose not to be out about poly. Those choices are just as valid and no less noble that one’s choice to be out.

I remember many years ago there was a big discussion on one of the larger internet polyamory discussion groups where people who found being “out” valuable were commenting with some self-pride that they could never date someone who wasn’t “out”.  Know what?  I’d be unlikely to, as well.  That doesn’t make me a better person.  It was the undercurrent of virtue that got to me at the time, the idea that one might have compelling reasons not to be out was an inferior way to live.  That it was somehow hypocritical.  I don’t think it’s necessarily hypocritical to keep quiet about one’s love life.

Now, if you make a career out of chasing down and punishing alternative lifestylers, but you, yourself are a practitioner, I’ve neither sympathy nor mercy towards you.  If you’re participating in punishing people for being poly and you’re poly yourself, and if I find out about it, I won’t keep my mouth shut.

But that’s not what I’m talking about when I say that choosing not to be out can be a very valid choice.

I’m talking about the elementary school teacher, the people that don’t want to sacrifice other parts of their lives that they value to be poly.  I’m talking about people who don’t want to be activists.  You don’t owe the world activism.   I don’t flatter myself that I’m sticking my neck out for you.  ‘Cause frankly, my neck is in no damn danger and I lack the necessary arrogance to give myself airs that it is.  You people who are activists, don’t be trying to put the claim on the people you’re ostensibly trying to serve, either!

You own you, each of you, and you own your choices.  Don’t let anyone try to guilt you into doing something different.

If you’re on the fence, though, about whether or not to be out, examine it.  Why do you want to?  What do you hope to gain?  What might you lose?  Face up to it and make your own choice.  Then you can feel good about what you’ve done because you’ve made the choice with your eyes wide open.  I made the choice to be out mostly ’cause I’m chicken.  I felt like being transparent was safer for me. But you might not feel that’s the best way for you and your relationships to go.

My father used to tell me “There’s a price for everything.”   It’s true.  In or out, there is a price attached.  The important thing is to think clearly, don’t evade the fact that no matter what you choose, you’re gonna have that price attached and do it with a clear understanding.  When you do that, you will face up to the ups and downs of being poly a lot better.

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¹Being “out” and “waving the poly flag” are two entirely different things. If you’re out there freakin’ the ‘danes, stop being a show-off and a jerk. You look like an idiot.  Says the woman who has been an idiot before.

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Hi, Goddess of Java,

I am a BIG fan of yours and I come to this site in times of need, loneliness or when other frustrations arise.

I am the 3rd in a triad of a married couple with 2 kids. I am very grateful to be able to love my new family and to be with them on a regular basis.

For almost 2 years, I have struggled with being the 5th wheel and the nanny of the “cover story”. For the most part, I have come to terms with it. Proudly, I am far less emotional about it than I used to be.

However, there are still moments that it bothers me (yay for me, I can admit it now, too). Especially around the holiday season when families gather with extended family for gatherings, I am reminded that I will never be recognized for who I truly am. It’s the subtle, little things that eat away at my emotions.

Having a cover story where you are the household servant is not a “subtle, little thing”.  It’s a big, blatant one.

There are definately situations in which you will not necessarily want to give the world every damn detail of your life.   I break with a lot of poly people when I say that I think there might be legitimate reasons why you might want to be personal about your personal life¹, and I don’t think the less of anyone who chooses that.

But, you’re being introduced as the household servant.  The only way I would ever consent to being introduced as “Java, our household’s Nanny” is if I were getting market rate financial compensation for actually doing that job!  If you’re being paid to be their Nanny, then that’s your job and there’s nothing wrong with that.

There are other ways around that where one does not have to be introduced in a way that looks like you’re the hired help if you’re not.  Say, “Java, who lives with us.”  If anyone is so ill-bred to ask why, an answer using Miss Manners’ classic horrified disdain works wonders.

No, you’ll probably never get the outside social respect of “wife” in the household, and certainly that’s painful.  The group marriage I lived in was mostly “out”, but even so, I’ve been in situations where I could not be socially recognized as a wife to one of my husbands, and it hurt.  I’m not trying to blow that off.  But you’re subtly being encouraged to accept considerably less respect than you deserve by being introduced as a servant when you’re not being paid to be one.

I’m not trying to paint your partners as the bad guys here.  I know in the part I edited out for the sake of space you mention that they’re very concered with being inclusive.  Since that’s so, I bet they’d be open to talking about your concerns about the dynamic and the three of you could certainly put your heads together to come up with something that’d make you all a lot happier.

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¹Which has been suggested as a topic for another column, and will probably show up soon.

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What is the right action of the larger community when relationship dramas can destabilize and threaten an entire social network?  — a very wise friend

Pepper Spray.

Well, okay, no you can’t do that.  But hold that thought a minute.

If you’re polyamorous and are lucky enough to have a social network in your city, chances are it’s pretty small.  Even in the largest city, people who openly identify as poly are relatively rare.  Being poly, there’s probably going to be interlocking relationships, dating and what have you.  People, being people, are gonna fall in love, stay together and have great relationships, break up, be loyal, backstab, gossip, refuse to misbehave — all of it.  The one thing you can count on people to do is to behave like people.

This means sometimes there will be Relationship Drama that might splash on your local community.

How do you handle it?

This is gonna be how you handle it, ’cause I doubt like hell many people would choose my method.  I go away until it blows over because, well, I’m a recluse.  Being at home alone with my knitting or writing is fun.  Going to a party that makes me feel like I am back in high school isn’t fun at all.  To me, it’s an easy choice.  It’s prying my ass out of the house that’s difficult, even to see people I like.

But, allow the person who sits in the corner watching everyone play Telephone to make a few observations.

• You knew the job was dangerous when you took it.

Okay, I am going to have to break it to you: Relationships are not always forever and sometimes breakups hurt a whole bunch. If you’re not up for that, for heaven’s sake learn how to be before you start getting heavily involved in a poly community. Emotions can run high. Can you behave yourself when emotions run high?  Relationships aren’t politics and they aren’t a war.  You don’t need soldiers, minions or yes-men agreeing how wonderful you are when you’re in the throes of an emotional crisis.  What you need is to steady and stabilize yourself.

It’s the stabilizing part that’s the important thing.  Keep in mind that it’s never a war.  People broke up and emotions are running high.  Don’t try to be a hero, and keep any righteous indignation out of it.

• This isn’t actually unique to polyamory.

Families, churches and whatnot all have their own versions of interlocking loyalties and relationships blowing up a social structure. It happens. The question is: What do you want to contribute to? Do you want to contribute to growth, or do you want to contribute to drawmuh.

Even though it’s not unique to polyamory, wouldn’t it be cool if polyamory could set the example for Community in general.  Imagine how much it would rock if you were a contributing factor to the polyamorous setting the example for how to handle the pain of relationships within breakups!

• Even if it isn’t unique to polyamory, polyamory is only for grown-ups.  So grow up.

If you don’t wanna see an ex, don’t go to parties where that ex is gonna be. Throw your own parties. You’re not obligated to hang out with a former love if it’s painful. Really.   I know, you want your old social circle as well as not seeing your ex.  Friend, it sucks, you might have to make a choice.

On the other hand, if what you want is vindication about how right you are and how horrible your ex is, get a grip and grow the hell  up.  We all have exes that we think are a waste of good protein.  You don’t need outside confirmation here.   You know the truth.  Get on with your life and your Evil Ex dig his own hole.  If he’s not being ostracized as your sense of justice prefers, get the hell over it and move on.

• You’re not responsible for making other people behave.

If you fancy yourself a “community leader”, it’s still not your job to make sure that your widdle flock wipes their noses properly. Don’t go running from feuding party to feuding party trying to make every one behave. It only makes things worse.  You’re participating in and feeding some nonsense.  Step back, disengage and encourage other people not to be personally involved in things that are Not Their Problem.  You can’t make it all better.  You can set a good example.

On a not-polyamory, not-misanthropic note:  Gifts to food pantries around the nation are down as people are being hard-hit. If you have some spare cash, try to make sure that you keep up with your donations.   For those of us lucky enough that the box of pasta or can of green beans is still a relatively trivial expense, remember that it’s not for everyone.  Thing is, don’t stop a the holidays.  People get just as hungry in January.  Be a credit to your kink and give if you can.

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